Thai Bouillabaisse – cheat

1 cube frozen cilantro
1 TBSP Canola
2 TBSP minced garlic
3/4 tsp (tube) ginger
1 1/2 tsp (tube) lemongrass
Juice from 1 lime
Chili powder (to taste)
3 TBSP (or so) organic stone ground whole wheat flour
5 cubes low sodium chicken boullion cubes
5 cups water
1 bag seafood mix (frozen, fully cooked octopus, muscles, shrimp, crab, squid)
1 avocado

Make broth from bullion cubes, frozen cilantro, & water, sit aside.

Heat oil, ginger, lemongrass, garlic, & chili powder for 3-4 minutes. Sautée the first 3 before adding the chili. Add flour, to soak up all the liquid, then add to the bouillon soup. Bring to a simmer, & simmer 15 minutes.

Add frozen seafood mix & cook till warmed through.

Serve with avocado chunks as garnishment.

Makes 8- 1 cup servings. I’m not sure how to do calories, but think this was roughly 400 calories per serving.

Quote

July 31st

I

was made aware of today’s date at my shrink’s office. The receptionist looked at me, then her computer screen.

“It’s not the 1st, is it?”

Her awkward smile, pause, then shook her head no.

After I woke early & drove there, making Hub late . . . A day early.

Yup. Definitely need vyvanse.

Today, I fear, may be a real adventure.

Joy

Joy: the opposite of me today. Diva went 3 kinds of berzerk at the orthopedist’s office. Then got prescribed more steroids to combat the inflamation. If this doesn’t work, then epidural injections, which I am NOT ready for. So I will take my meds & no lifting Diva. Not stellar news. Not winning, by any means.

We had a rough night, Diva waking at 3AM, her head caught in our bed frame, then I was on a quest to find a clean pacifier . . . Pain kept me up till 4. Up at 7, so she was napping before 11.

Boo is still at his dad’s & I will be at Shrink’s office when he comes home in the morning. And I love his early am hugs.

I spent an hour touching base with my Cub Scout Committee members, & while we are still reeling from losing 4 great leaders (moved up to Boy Scouts), I get resignation e-mails from 2 families. Not quite the “W” I was hoping for. Moving on, in search of happy. We read 2 books, then point & sound words in a 3rd book before Diva is done working today.

Then, while making plans with our district head for our upcoming meeting & this school year, Diva helped herself to YaYa’s Japanese souvenirs.

She has been especially active today, but exceptionally cute. I got her really talking today. She is really trying, & the kid can sing, or rather carry a tune while making babbling toddler sounds.

My entire back is hurting, but better when laying down. I have washed 7 loads of laundry in the last 3 days. And I will be done for a month . . . Or I can do one load a day. (Just thinking out loud.) The 8th load is drying now . . . But I have 1/2 load-worth, perhaps more, in the bathroom floor. I suddenly realize – we have too many damn clothes!! Diva’s I have donated all she has out grown. And still, she takes up half a rack! Need to do the same with Boo, as I really don’t think he has 100 shirts that all fit him. Have we really bought that many shirts in the last 11 months? Geez. Surely not.

As for the real problem – me & Hub (aka: YaYa). Over the years, we have each amassed several types of items, with varried styles & sizes of each; formal, dress, business casual, casual, and gym – from grunge to uptight & every flavor in between. My husband has an entire rack of slacks. What? My shoes are somewhere in storage, which makes me sad all over. Dayum. I need some Vyvanse . . . Bad. Sorry – ADHD has me jumping back & forth.

*Back to topic of joy*

My feeling like a total loser stopped abruptly, though. Diva asked, demanded, actually, to call her grandparents tonight.  You wanna hear unspoken joy? Listen closely to your parents voice when they speak & while they listen intently, to their grandchild babble on the phone. Suddenly I was full of win. Full of success. Full of happy. I helped make four people’s night. And Boo texted me goodnight. That is what it’s about.

Shit always happens. There will be losses. Some days are gonna suck ass. And sometimes, you’re hard up for anything to just go right for 2 whole minutes. But keep perspective. OCD makes perspective a real hard thing to find. Call someone out of the blue, & in making their day/night, their joy or simple appreciation, should be enough to help you find your way back to happy. Or at least gain perspective, which is on the pathway to happy.

I can never be like my obsessions say I should be. But by God, I can be happy. And dammit, I am gonna be happy!! Even if my toes are numb. I have done a whole shitload right. Today. This week, month, & year. Hell the last 39 years.

Life is short. Get your happy, bitches!

Back to the ortho!

Well, now I’m going numb on my left side (last month it was my right), so ortho wants to re-evaluate me in the morning. Yippy. As I lay here wishing for enough tired to dampen the pain, just for a little sleep, I’m thinking of you all.  I hope you got your happy today.

Even in pain, I was doing one more load of laundry, but this time, Diva insisted on helping. Wow! What a helper, too! She pulled out every piece of clothing from the dryer & handed to me one-by-one as she announced who it belonged to. Hubs is no longer Daddy, but YaYa*will explain below*. I got it all sorted, folded & hung, & I handed her the wet pieces ftom the washer, & she tossed those into the dryer. Us working together gave me such a sense of pride & happy. Such a little thing, but it just meant something. Like letting her stir a bouillabaisse the other night . . . Just us. Almost magic. Then YaYa came home, having received an unexpected raise. So we went for celebratory sushi. And we got some heart-warming pictures with her & her first sushi rolls.

*YaYa – one day Hubs, now YaYa, was plaing the sound game with Diva (what sound does this or that animal make). To be a pill, after he asked about the tiger & Diva roared, he asked what noise Mommy makes. Yup. A roar came out. So, tit-for-tat . . . I asked what noise Daddy makes. Hoping for something equally embarrassing. Without missing a beat she replied, “YaYa.” There you have it, folks. Mom roars & growls & Daddy just says yes. Since then, however, she identifies him now, almost solely, as YaYa. In pictures, addressing him, if we go by his office, or making requests. He is now YaYa.  Thankfully, I am still Mommy or Mom, if she is growing impatient with me. Ahh. Sleepy is winning agaist pain.  So that means I’m gonna wrap this up.

I hope you got your happy.  Even if it came from doing a chore. Make it count. Make it all count!

Peace, bitches.

Are you serious??

This is what I asked my 2-year-old several times in the last 3 hours. She woke at an unprecedented 6am!! Usually around 8. While making her breakfast she preceded to attempt total destruction. Then ran as fast as she could, and feebly arrived at her normal hiding spot. She was quickly strapped into her high chair.

With the face of an angel, she requested a color, red. So I gave her the one, naked crayon & 3 sheets of paper. She quickly marked on each one lightly. As I seved up breakfast & sought to retrieve her so she could join us. Her entire tray table had been colored deep red.

She ate her breakfast, so back to her chair just long enough for me to wake up & devise a plan to engage her. Having some numbness in my legs, so will call ortho-specialist for stronger NSAID, too.

And storms are expected, so swimming to tire her is not ‘in the cards’. Boo & I are going to have to get creative!

Today . . . I’m just gonna hold on for dear life. Boo gave me a good, tight hug, so that happy is gonna get me through whatever comes.

Peace.

Are you serious??

This is what I asked my 2-year-old several times in the last 3 hours. She woke at an unprecedented 6am!! Usually around 8. While making her breakfast she preceded to attempt total destruction. Then ran as fast as she could, and feebly arrived at her normal hiding spot. She was quickly strapped into her high chair.

With the face of an angel, she requested a color, red. So I gave her the one, naked crayon & 3 sheets of paper. She quickly marked on each one lightly. As I seved up breakfast & sought to retrieve her so she could join us. Her entire tray table had been colored deep red.

She ate her breakfast, so back to her chair just long enough for me to wake up & devise a plan to engage her. Having some numbness in my legs, so will call ortho-specialist for stronger NSAID, too.

And storms are expected, so swimming to tire her is not ‘in the cards’. Boo & I are going to have to get creative!

Today . . . I’m just gonna hold on for dear life. Boo gave me a good, tight hug, so that happy is gonna get me through whatever comes.

Peace.

Starving!!!

The fact that everything I want to eat has calories just pisses me off! Seriously, if mustard was what I wanted, I would eat about 5 bottles of it. I now have a healthy pantry, fruit & veggie basket, & fridge, but all that shit adds up. And giving me a budget of 911 calories??? Ate you serious?

I got the shakes & about fainted before dinner. Uuugh. My ass is exhausted & famished, so I’m going to sleep & pray I have enough fat stored up to get me to tomorrow morning.

And those two . . . My offspring . . . I kept them from killing each other today, which was a miracle, a serious act of God, folks!! They were wound up tighter than an 8-day clock! I just hope tomorrow is better.

I just got my scout stuff done – for now. Will be blasting all leaders tomorrow for a committee meeting soon. Half-dead & barely awake.

Peace, bitches!

Awe hell no.

Diva is just making messes & my back hurts too damn bad, & I am just too tired.

I floundered onto the sofa. The dishes – every single one, were cleaned. Before dinner. I have a stack now, but Hub emptied the dishwasher, so I can just load them in the machine in the morning & voila! Done, again!

On his way into the living area, he put Diva’s toys into the assorted boxes (another task I did while they napped, so I’m feeling pretty accomplished), then turned on some Richard Marx, & danced with Diva to “Hold On To The Night”. It was so sweet, even though that song normally makes me want to wretch. 

For dinner, I made an excellent Thai Bouillabaisse – I modified the recipe from others I’d seen, so I’ll post that recipe later if, and that’s a big IF, I get her to sleep before I crash.

Having 3 hours to clean, organize, & tidy while getting to listen to my music was the best therapy imaginable. For the 1st time in 3 years, I felt ok, centered, okay, in control, secure, strong, independent, wholely me, & at peace. Cleaning & listening to music was my routine. It was what I knew. It’s what I did while Boo was at his dad’s, and what I did for myself. I need a clean, organized, and at least tidy house, to function.  This is my norm. My peace. What I have been missing.

The apartment is far from done, but I have hope. I have a list & a plan. And bit by bit, I will prevail.

Yup. My OCD is every bit in control. And it has been. Which is the root of my anger & frustration. Poor Diva didn’t ask for a crazy mom. Boo knows me. He knows me a little too well, actually. He know precisely how to distract me to evade punishment. He knows how to pull my heartstrings to get his way, he usually knows exactly what I mean by what I say when others would scratch their heads in confusion, he knows when to leave me alone, & always knows when I need a hug. But that door swings both ways. He was my whole universe for 5 years. And I was his. Now we gotta train two newbies. But we’re getting there. Marriage, blending families, & adding a baby, now toddler just throws ya for a loop. Add to it psychological & neurological disorders, & it takes a little longer. But every day is a part of our journey. And the way I do it, it’s a real adventure

But just when I felt pretty good about today, my son just called to say goodnight, & the happy that rained down when I heard his sweet little voice – damn. You just gotta get that kind of happy!! I feel like I may choke on it, then burst into flames. Love it.

Love it, love it, love it! I’m just gonna wallow it that happy for a while.

Peace bitches. May happy jump on your face this week!

Sincere apologies

I, once again, have shrunk into a radio silence, & I truly apologize to all of you. I hate beginning with an apology, but I believe that when one is deserved, it must be said. I am learning that. I tend to give my loved ones back-handed apologies, rather than accept the blame. No excuses. I blog, and try to daily, even a quick blurb, just something, & I failed.

First off, I am in desperate need of my Vyvsnse. I have been all over the board, and just cannot seem to slow down. As I wrote those two sentences, I could feel a dozen or so thoughts pushing their way to the front of the line, shoving & shouting “me next”. My thoughts are like a room full of kindergarteners waiting to go outside, or to sit on Santa’s lap. It has become gradually more difficult to function, and so my obession with lists is being fed by my utter dependence on them.

New diet for me & Hub, which means a healthy lifestyle we will be teaching our kids. He & I have set out to each lose 30lbs. In the past 4 days I have lost 6, so I’m pretty happy. As of yesterday, Hub 4. Not a crash diet, either. A new way of looking at food. Not as comfort,  but instead as fuel for our bodies. What are the essentials we must have? And for me, while still appearing & tasting fantastic. And I’ve said goodbye to my daily homage to wine. And for my one & a half cocktail yesterday, I needed to burn some extra calories if I hoped to eat dinner. We have begun using an ap called “Lose It”, & it is amazing. I highly recommend it.

Since turning 30 with the birth of my son, I have behun to understand the struggle most people have with weight. Up to that point, I was clueless. I could eat as much of anything I wanted, & still wear children’s clothing. I was a 00 in adult clothing. I remember after delivering my son asking my OBG what “that” was, jabbing at a flabby abdomen. He looked at my now ex-husband, then back at me and said, “remember how I kept telling you to slow down on eating? Well, that my dear – is fat.” I remember a panic washing over me. It took 3 hard years to get & keep it off, & by my 2nd marriage, I was back into a 0.  I will be happy if I can get to a 4 again. And that is my goal. I have a very small bone structure, & that is the size I should be.

My GREAT uncle Doug died this past week. He was my mom’s uncle, but they were so close in age, he was more like my uncle. He was deployed during Desert Storm when I was in High School, & so we became pen pals to keep up his moral. He thought I should be his uncle, as our family didn’t keep with formal titles, so me addressing him as a “great” was just fodder for his older brothers and his platoon that he was the “great” uncle. And he was. He was quick witted, & balls out. He was always cracking jokes, & I only saw him solemn once, for about 2 minutes when my grandfather died. He had a slow Oklahoma drawl, & the things that came out of his mouth just made you laugh or shake your head.

Our last conversation ended with me promising to come visit so he could meet my new husband & son. His health was too bad for him to make the drive to Texas. The next year, Diva had just been born, so a 4 hour drive would be too hard for us. I thought we had more time. His death was sudden & unexpected. It has been too much for me to handle. He & his wife never had much, & lived very simply. He was cremated before I could say goodbye. Which broke a little chunk of my heart when I found out last night. I wanted to flop on the bed & cry . . . But Diva needed me to be Mommy. So I did. He wouldn’t want a big fuss. Hell, he wouldn’t want a fuss at all. He was the only child out of 10 siblings that didn’t have children. He wanted to adopt his wife’s son, but the tribal elders (Native American) forbid it.

When my mother called me early Friday morning, I began crying. Boo began asking if I was ok. I couldn’t answer. He came over & hugged me. I finally told him my uncle had died, and he & Diva both gave me a hug.

He is becoming a young man. I watch in amazed wonder. How did he get here? Wasn’t he fitting in my hand just a few days ago? Didn’t he just ask me if he really had to grow up, crying that he never wanted to leave me? Nine, in just over a month away? Third grade in mere weeks? Multiplication & cursive? This one big year is here. He is starting to have leg hair. And using deodorant & face product. It is going to be an emotional year.  So each remaining day of this summer will be swimming & playing. And we have homework every night (to get him back in the swing of things). And I have Cub Scouts to get ramped up.

But before that – vacation!! I booked a hotel on the Riverwalk. This will be our first family vacation. Even Diva is excited. Yes, we should be saving for a house. Fuck it. YOLO! And I want our lives to be fillled with happy & happy memories more than things. We can buy a less expensive home. But this year, this vacation, we will all look back & remember. I still have a lot of planning to do.

It would be easy & understandable for me to maintain some radio silence, but I gotta get my happy – even in the chaos. And to remind you to grab yours, too. Life is precious, & we never know when our time is up, or worse, your best friend, or favorite uncle. So I encourage you to treat your body better, & make time for the ones you love, not excuses. And start good habits & family traditions.

I had a lot of happy stored up when I got handed the info about the “already cremated” bit last night. Diva’s godmother had popped by for a 2 hour swim yesterday. It was great to see her & hear all her family plans going on.

Write an actual letter to friends too far to visit, or skype with relatives. They are worth it. Because when they are gone, you will have gotten it all in. No regrets.

Peace to you all.

Dinner yesterday

So I grilled a whole head of cauliflower & it was delicious!! You don’t have to follow a recipe or menu for it to be healthy.  Eating right is about taking flavors you love, & making them better, not forsaking what you love for the flavorless & mundane. Yuk!

Cauliflower – take the whole head, cut so that all leaves are removed. Place in a roasting dish upside down, so stem & base are up.

Drizzle olive oil over entire head. Dump minced garlic all over so it gets inside the head.

Place the pan on the grill. Depending on the temperature of grill for other foods, just cook until it gets to a nice tenderness.  I grill roasted mine at 220° for an hour while we swam, then threw on some salmon fillets.

Finished off with some cucumber lime water for myself & a Corona Light for Hubs.

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