Sorry about the radio silence . . .

November has been a real bitch.  Holidays, Daddy has cancer – lymphoma, my daughter is teething, soccer games, I got sick & put on Codeine, my doctor has referred me to see a shrink if I can’t get my rage under control . . . so I’ve remained offline.  We all know not to drunk text . . . well, don’t blog while medicated . . . intoxicated, sure, but not medicated.  LOL.  I’m off that cough syrup from hell, so I’ll try to keep you all posted.  The garbage in the Middle East has me madder than a wet hen.  Thinking of decorating my house in all blue lights, with a giant Star of David on my roof!  Wait, I live in the country . . . some redneck will think I’m the taliban.  I’ll just leave my Christmas lights as-is, and post to my blog . . . after I have another double espresso & play with the baby a while.

Damn. Just Damn.

Have you ever had one of those days, and it’s only 8:17AM?  My son got his 3rd tardy of the year this morning, which means detention.  My husband misplaced his wallet, I spilled my espresso all over the counter, and as I was feeding my daughter her rice & bananas I remembered the recycling.  Went WWF on the lid trying to get a diaper box to fit, after trying unsuccessfully to stuff it into my neighbor’s recycling bin, then looked around in horror to see my new neighbors trying to force a smile & polite “good morning” wave.  I beat the recycling guys, tho.  What the hell is up with those a-holes getting here at the crack of dawn, but the trash guys (same guys) get here just before dusk?  I quickly sanitize my hands while my daughter screams from her high chair, the dog is flipping out, I throw him out the back door, and finish feeding the now happy baby.  At this point, I realize, just go back to bed cause it’s gonna be one of “those” days, then look at the empty cup of double espresso skinny vanilla I sucked down, and realize I won’t be sleeping until sometime tomorrow . . . somebitch.  Damn.  Just Damn.  Time for my Klonipin.  My daughter fell asleep on me, so now that she’s out, if the neighbor’s dog doesn’t stop barking, I’m gonna grab my circa 1980 Daisy BB gun & go to town on his ass!!  Oh the hell that’s gonna break loose if he wakes my daughter . . . I know, I’m all talk, but still . . . give your dog a treat for God’s sake!!! Let him in your house, or muzzle him.  Ah hell no!  My daughter is trying to wake herself up.  Damn dog!!!  You never wanna hear a southern mess say those three words – Ah hell no.  That’s rule NUMERO UNO.  The dog’s owners will catch my wrath.  I see chilli in my dog’s future – right after I go buy some brown paper sacks.  And if you don’t know what recipe I’m working on, well, if you piss a southern mess off, make sure she doesn’t have a dog.  If so, don’t step on the flaming sack she leaves on your front porch.  BTW – all you PETA freaks – I don’t even have that gun.  Ah hell no.  I really hope my daughter just talked in her sleep, and is not actually awake.  OOOOOOOOOOOOOHh – Motherless goats!!!  Catch my political rant if I get the baby back to sleep. DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMIIIITTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mess of a Monday

First thing’s first – call the vet that’s close to my house, and . . . they have nothing available. I call my regular vet, and they can get us Tuesday, drop off between 7 & 9.  Fabulous!! Hubby works at home Tuesdays, so surely I can talk him into holding the dog & we’ll be back before he needs to start working.  Voila.

Mom arrives a little early for our lunch date with my son, just as the plumber calls, he’s on his way. I send mom to go wirhout me – wait, where is dad? Shiiiiiiiiit!! He got an urgent client call & had to leave town. Mom hates driving & gets lost everywhere she goes. She can’t go. I’ll have to go & she’ll wait for plumber, & keep the baby – no problem. This can still be salvaged – just a few people short of the lunch my son envisioned. I’ll grab some burgers @ the drive-in, & he’ll love it. Phone rings, I answer it, & it’s my pediatrician reminding me of my appointment tomorrow morning.  Plumber arrives as I’m walking out. Mom yells to go, but I stay, explain situation to plumber, get estimate, sign, leave a credit card with my mom, give her a few diapers, box of wipes, & I’m off!

Run to his school, where I’m 2 mins late, hair in a bob-pony-tail from when I first got up, unbrushed, no makeup, and jeans are two-sizes too small . . . And I see my little angel with a tray of food. He thought I forgot him. My poor, sweet little boy. Such a trooper.  For lunch, he had chosen a pretzel, some string cheese, & a yogurt as his main entree. Cheeseburger, fries, & a milk shake was a huge improvement (and here I felt bad for bringing junk food).   **The sound of a record scratching**  Can that be right? A pretzel for lunch? 


Funny thing, this morning, I’d prayed for some one-on-one time with my son, something we hadn’t had in over a year, and looking at my son & listening about his accomplishments thus far today as line leader, I suddenly realized, this was it & to make the most of it, which we did!  He even gave me a kiss on the lips & a big hug before running back to his class table.

Back home, call my hubs, and he says he’ll just take his laptop, tether to one of the cell phones, and he’ll work on the road, since he doesn’t want to miss the appointment, or start work at 11. I notice about 6 wine glasses around the living/dining/kitchen area & tell my mom that being a wino is better than me smoking, or doing drugs. She just shook her head. But, my hot mess moment was me turning a corner to pick up my son from school around 3PM, about to dial my mom to thank her again for bailing me out with the plumber & the kids, and started thinking about my appearance. What is my hair doing? When did I last brush it (Sunday around 1:30PM)? Did I put on deodorant today, or just perfume?  Did I put on perfume?  And as I look at my reflection in the rear-view, (to my shock & horror) I had to ask myself, “when did I last take a shower?”

My daughter is passed out in my lap, it’s 10:30, my husband is asleep, and I’ve gotta figure out what we are all wearing tomorrow, take a shower, get the soft drinks out of my trunk before they freeze & explode, put them in fridge, bring in the dog, do the dishes, pack the diaper bag, get the leash & blankets for the dog, and then go to sleep. Three glasses of wine was NOT enough for my night ahead.  And, gonna publish this blog, as if anyone’s really keeping score, and thinking, maybe the shower can wait another day.

Tomorrow – BALLS OUT at 7AM!!! 

What went wrong this weekend . . .

Okay, so Saturday my husband takes one look at the directions for repairing the toilet, and decides I should call a plumber. Hey, at least he man-ups, and admits when he’s in over his head before taking out a wall . . . We rush to my son’s last indoor soccer game, back to my parents, 2 rum & cokes later, I take my husband home, grab a change if clothes for my son so he can spend the night, rush back to parents house, grab baby, who is sleeping soundly, all in hopes of an impromptu date night!!!


Well, the baby wakes in the parking lot of the grocery store, as I shuffle for my wallet, which is sitting at my parents’ house. I run home to grab my husband & his wallet, as we are out of wine, & I’m hungry. Hey, the night can still be salvaged – these are MINOR setbacks, mere speedbumps. I can get the baby back to sleep, have some wine & watch a movie, while cuddled up with my husband.

Well, we get the wine, loads of junk food (never go to the grocery store with someone who has been drinking), and $50 later, headed back home. Get the junk food going, nurse the baby, and start snacking. Baby’s wide awake after getting about an hour nap with my mom, and then, my face starts swelling up because of something I ate!! Tonight still can be salvaged . . .

3 hours later, it’s 10:30-ish, the baby just fell asleep, and apparently, so did my husband. Thank God, though, cuz I was dead tired!!

Sunday – we slept till noon!! Seriously!! Noon!! Parents brought back my son, on a sugar high, which I promptly loaded him up headed for his dad’s house. Picked up child support, deposited into my son’s checking account, and headed home in the rain, just in front of a cold front.  I try to find when our next well-baby appointment is written to no avail, but I’ll try to call tomorrow. I call my 24/7 plumber, the one I’ve used for 5 years, and make an appointment for Monday between 9 & 1.  I hang up, and notice a text from mom. “What time should we be at your house tomorrow for lunch with your son?” Oh hell no!!! I forgot & scheduled a plumber for the day we are all going to have lunch with my son!!! Seriously! That’s a large window, though. I’ll make it. What are the chances he comes the 45 minutes I’m gone?  If nothing else, I can join late, or leave early, as they call half an hour before they show up, so no biggie. I got this. Wonder if it’s going to rain this week? No, but gonna freeze, so gotta get the dog groomed before he’s around the baby. I’ll call vet tomorrow.


The good thing . . . I got to see my sister, and got some much needed sleep.

The Wild Life . . .

So, it’s 10:00 on a Friday night, and I’m the only one still awake – doing dishes & laundry, of course.  But the week I’ve had . . . becoming a wino should be looked upon as an accomplishment.  Got comforters dropped off, recycling set out, lawsuit #2 put to bed, picked up the toilet kit to repair the guest bathroom, got the batteries to operate the garage door (this has been 2 months of not having one that works, since our cars were programmed, and the batteries died in the actual remotes), picked up mace for myself, husband, and industrial size for the house, grabbed a new pair of tweezers, course nail file, and eggs for tomorrow morning, and made it back home by 10:30 AM to nurse the baby!!  I got the garage door remotes working – FABULOUS!!!  and between 12:45 & 2:50 I held the baby so she’d actually sleep.  I got up twice, and each time, she opened her eyes & stared at me until I crawled back into bed with her, then she closed her eyes . . . can you say prisioner?  Seriously?!  I’m held hostage by this 14-pound gorilla.  But, she’s a cute little terrorist, especially when she’s asleep.

Yesterday, my son got on orange, which means he is in time out from activities, and a note is sent home (well, she sent an e-mail to me).  However, since I was with my mom at the doctor waiting for my dad’s bone test to be finished, I didn’t see it come in on my phone.  He had a bad day – treating his teacher like he does me.  Oh, I took his cell phone, ipod, leappad, and all tv priveledges away, and he was sent to his room except for dinner & bath, and all he could do was read, as that was the only thing in his room.  He did well today, and his teacher & I spoke.  He just went a little nuts yesterday . . . My son, the thug who is disrespectful.  I much prefer my son, the little gentlemen.  Is it gentlemen or gentleman?  huh?  Oh well, I met our new neighbors today, and they are so sweet.  Probably my parents’ age, so that’s cool.  The husband is retired, so that’s nice.

Guess I’ll go to bed myself.  Some lady is coming in the morning to get blood samples for our new life insurance policies.  And no!  That’s not why I want a new gun.  I want a handgun, a Walther .380.  I fell in love with that gun about 4 years ago when I went shooting with some friends.  out of the glock, .9mm, .45, .38, and 22, I aimed and shot better with the Walther than anything else.  plus it is sleek, and sexy, I must say!  I also want a tazer.  That just looks like all kinds of wrong.  I will start fights if I have that, though, just so I can blast someone.

Oh holy hell . . . I’m not sure what that friggin noise is, but I’m going to lose my shit . . . water dripping, or pouring . . . and dear GOD, please don’t let it be from my frige.  either that or the sink/dish washer . . . uuuugh.  Lemme go play plumber, ya’ll have a good night & hope you like my recipe.  It’s the toilet!!  Gotta fix it tomorrow.  just gonna shut off the water for now.  Night.

Just another day in paradise . . .

So, my dad appears to have stage 1 skin lymphoma, but further tests are needed.  My son has nits . . . so I spent the day de-lousing my house, all clothes, and his head.  Thankfully, he didn’t have adult lice, but he had a few eggs.  How does that happen?  I guess the old question of which came first just got proven – the egg.  Bwahahahaha.  My son has decided that since his dad is too busy this week to spend time with him, it’s time to take it out on me.  Afterall, I will always be here, I’m his mom, so let’s go nuts & see if we can kill me.  Oh yeah, and the baby hasn’t stopped screaming all day, since I was unable to get her to nap, she’s been up all day, and beyond tired, but me, oh, I’m fresh as a daisy.  There just isn’t enough wine in the world . . . and the election.  Oh, that was just classic.  True to my political views, I voted against incumbents, even if they were on the ticket that I most closely tend to side with, just because those dirt bags need term limits.  I feel that Americans are far too ignorant to understand how we have been robbed by the politicians, who have been elected to serve us, and too lazy to take action against them – not me, kids!!  I’ll vote everyone out, if I had the chance.  EVERY SINGLE INCUMBENT!!!  All gotta go!!

I had a few meltdowns tonight.  My husband threatened to call 911 when I became unresponsive.  Yeah, when it gets beyond crazy in my house, and all control or sanity has been obliterated, I shut down.  Guessing I’ll need to see my doctor again, and up my doses, because somedays, these kids make me want to lose my mind, and although it’s not their fault, it is simply the circumstances surrounding the kids, which push my OCD to the outer limits, and put simply, I lose my shit.  I hate that.  I’m full-on crazy, too.  Although my therapist says that is not a word to be used . . . well, if you’re batshit crazy & you know it clap your hands – she has no sense of humor, figures, she went to A&M.

Night kiddos.  I’m gonna try to play more with how this blog looks, so that ya’ll can find what you’re looking for easily.  Cool?

Keeping Positive

Ya know, I find inspiration in the life of Jesus, and I try to remain positive, but sometimes, I just wanna say, “chuck it, I need a glass of wine.”  Today is one of those days . . . I’m positive I need a glass of wine.  My daughter nursed for 2 hours today!!!  Two hours – straight.  My husband is being oh-so-dramatic, I had to fight with the guy who sold me on getting a Jaguar over an SUV about my Navigation system . . . huuuuloooooooooooo!  I have OCD over here, and can’t leave my house if it’s not working!!!  AND, it’s NOT working!!!  But, apparently, it has a second disk . . . for my state!  I fixed it, just like I have to do everything.

Now, my daughter decided to riot early, in preparation for tomorrow’s upcoming election.  So as her punishment, I put her in a dress with a pink tu-tu.  That makes me happy.  I love pink.  now to find some leopard print socks, and her glittery feather bow.  Oh, how I wish I had a matching outfit.  That would be pre-emptive punishment for my son . . . crap, now I gotta grab him from school.  gotta run for now, but unless I get that glass of wine . . . my next post is going to be a real mess.

Hello world!


Well, I have been referred to by many people as a mess, southern hot mess, and I like souther-fried hot mess, as I feel it is most befitting. I’m me – a bit outspoken, as you’ll get from my political rants, I love other cultures, and will post links to friends of mine with different backgrounds, and share their “commentary” on my accidental outlandish attitude, I love to cook, bake, and eat, have a 6 month-old and a 7 year-old, husband, and ex-husband, and am now a housewife, for going on my 16th month, and have been married . . . well, yeah, you can do the math. My sister has a great deal to say, so I’ll post her input occassionally, as well. This blog is how I’m coping, and what I think about being alive, an American, a Christian, a wife, a mom, a daughter, and a sister, as well as a friend – even to myself, while having to deal with my OCD, not so gracefully, but rather in my usual, southern fried hot mess way. I put the funk in disfunktional, kids, so sit back & laugh your butt off – oh, yeah . . . explicit lyrics. What can I say, I’m passionate.

What you’ll expect:

My RECIPES – these are everything from quick, cheap favorites that are easy & your family will love to how to pull a few tricks & impress the hell outta anyone you need to. From appetizers, casserole, and side dishes, to scrumptious deserts, and easy candy!! Did I mention I cook – a LOT???

My RANTS – what is wrong with the world, and how it needs to be fixed, because by God, I’m right – all the damn time.

My INSANITY – Newborn, grade-schooler, newlywed, exhusband, lawsuit #2 of 3 still looming, dad has cancer, and some dipshits believe I just have it made as a housewife . . . take my friggin’ life . . . please!! Uuugh, you should see my house – still haven’t unpacked (er, called Salvation Army to come get) my husband’s “stuff”. You’ll quickly figure out that while I’m a hot mess, my husband is not. He’s a software architect . . . yep, he likes video games, all things technology-based, and even collects comic books. Don’t get me started on his action figures, not now, but it works more than it doesn’t – we actually love each other. Oh, and while I used to be a lay minister, I recently became Catholic . . . seriously, yeah, really! And while I’m breastfeeding, I can take Paxil for my OCD, but sometimes, I just pump & dump, on those days that I have to take my Klonipin . . . to keep from losing my mind & scrubbing the floor till my knees bleed. Oh yeah, I’m just a little dramatic. I prefer to think of myself as ” passionately enthusiastic with details,” though.

So, whether you can empathize with me on any level, or if you’re one of those morbid people who would choose to actually watch a train wreck as it happens, check me out. I promise to entertain, and honestly, without much effort, because people just intrigue me, and me explaining WHY just makes me that “mess.” Or, if you just want a quick recipe . . . go for it.

I hope you’ll check in from time to time.


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