Merry f’g Christmas!

Yeah. I’m not all ba-humbug, or shit. My to-do list is just so fucking outta control I am seriously eyeing that last box of wine!! Why is it all on me? Fuck this shit.  I didn’t work this hard when I had a job. Of course, it was just me & Boo.  Fucking cooking & baking in a kitchen barely large enough to squeeze my fat ass into is bad enough . . . And all I get is fucking criticized. Guess I’ll kill myself to make everyone else happy.  But seeing everyone else happy will give me so much joy (even for a brief moment) it’s worth it. Looking so forward to tomorrow night & Wednesday!!! Can’t wait.

Can’t wait till I can sit still & just enjoy a few minutes. And let the kids go nuts. And just embrace the chaos & God help anyone who tries to make them behave.  I’m done. They are kids!! I am off work. Everyone is on their own, & if anyone wants a fight, by God, you’re gonna fucking lose!

There’s an old saying to pick your fights. Figure that shit out. I have OCD, so if anyone expects to win against that, you are a fool & can go fuck yourself. I am entitled to a well-deserved breakdown, so if you don’t see my posts for a while, it’s cuz my crazy ass is in jail.   THIS WILL BE BOO’S BEST CHRISTMAS EVER, or so help me, God! It very well may be his last magic Christmas. So that fucking tears me up.

I go back to my shrink in a few weeks, cuz the OCD meds stopped working & I can barely leave my apartment.  Fuck my ADHD!! NONE of the meds worked!! Focus on the bigger issue – the one that is disabling me – OCD!!! GOD, please keep me from macing her if she acts all fucking stupid & puts me on vyvance for my ADHD again. ADHD isn’t causing panic atracks! Dumb ass!!

Another saying is, “if Mamma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy. ” there are some mo-fo’s that need to figure that fucking shit out! Boo gets it, & he’s 8!

Yes, Erin, I’ll go see Fr. Don w/ my crazy ass soon.

Merry Christmas, bitches!! Peace & be kind to everyone, dammit! And that means being a fucking considerate fucking driver!! And if you are driving in the fast lane/HOV lane Christmas day in the DFW. area, & a black Jag XF gets on ur bumper . . .move the fuck outta my damn way or I will run u off the road, OR else get your license plate & HUNT YOUR MOTHERFUCKING ASS DOWN!!!!

I love ya’ll for listening & truly hope I can give you some understanding, acceptance, help, or just a “how NOT to be.” 

Ya’ll are awesome!! Feel fee to laugh, repost, pin, comment, or e-mail me.

May we all have a peaceful & joyous holiday!!

OCD is winning.

Yesterday was bad.  Boo had a Cub Scout meeting at 1. By 11, I was shaking at the thought of leaving the apartment. Thanks ADHD for helping to add to the bazillion things that frighten me, & possible horrible scenarious.  We went. I held it together, & was ok during the Farmstead tour . . . Until I smelled wet hay!  So back into the main office I sat. I am allergic to hay, but had my epi pens. 

Hubs re-injured his foot, so taking the kids to the Galleria was suddenly out. No way could I drive that far with 2 children fussing in the back seat, fighting traffic, & the crowds. No way.  Feeling like a failure, but the kids HAD to see Santa!!

Thank God for friends!! I took the kiddos to a nearby mall, & two friends hung out with us while we waited in line 2 hours.  My bursitis was killing me, Boo was hyper as hell, & Diva wanted to be held, while some bitch kept trying to cut in front of us.

A woman making balloon animals helped calm the kids the last 15 minutes.   We got 6 pics of Diva throwing a tantrum with a terrified Santa. Yeah!!

But Boo got to see Santa & we have pictures to blackmail Diva with. 

We all went to Cotton Patch afterwards, & met up with another friend.  The meds are just not working anymore.  I was more of an OCD basketcase by the end of the night. 

I used to joke about having OCD, but my family needs me, & it is a very real struggle, one that I seem to be losing, & just don’t know what to do. 

It sucks the joy out of everything like a Dyson-leaving no trace of happiness behind.   I can find no shred of peace to take solice. Relaxing is about as likely as shitting out a million dollars.  It’s just beyond my scope of reality.

Guess I’ll be looking for another shrink tomorrow. This is my fight alone, & by God, I am going to find a solution!!

Peace ya’ll. Don’t give up. Don’t be selfish. It’s a tiring, endless battle, but those good days are worth all the shitty ones. It just makes the good ones that much sweeter!!

I fought back!

Today I got shelving to help organize. I feel like a new person . . . What do I want for Christmas? Steel shelves. I plan to put them in every problem area in this apartment. Once I have organization, I can begin to not just function, but excel. I can do this. I have to. Not for me, but for my kids & Hubs. They need a better me, & I cannot get there unless my mind is quiet enough to make sense. My house is not what I miss.  It was a sense of order.  Well, & more space to spread out, put things, had a bigger kitchen & a back yard . . . But those things I can work around.  But order instead of constant chaos . . . That is pivotal.  And I CAN do this.  I have to get my OCD uner control & quick. Christmas is the worst for me – I have to split Boo w/ the ex. And it used to be my favorite time of year, & since the divorce, I can’t enjoy the season until Christmas Eve. I can’t keep that up! I have a precious (precocious) little Diva that needs me.

So, if you are having a tough time – face down what is crippling you. Name it. Then find a way to snuff it out.  Wether it’s a decluttering, stocking up on hand sanitizer, or sanitizing your entire home. Do it! Do it for YOU! You deserve to be well. Hire a cleaning service, carpet cleaners, get an air purifier . . . Or buy some ugly racks & put like things in containers.

Stay strong & keep fighting with everything you have!!

I am tired of having OCD

The messy life of being in a family is simply – overwhelming. I just don’t even know where to start. I alienate myself from everyone I love the most. I have become obsessed with how to make this apartment livable for me, & am waiting for help. A lifeline. I feel like I’m swimming in an ocean of clutter, toys,  to-do lists, & “things to remember”, & only want to feel normal.  My meds are just not cutting it. My shrink even believed that we had tried all we could. Therapy didn’t seem to help, even on meds.   My ADHD has me spinning my wheels & wiggling my feet.  My stomach is in knots, & for no really good reason. I just wish I had people in my life who understood, not sympathized . . . I need a solution, not prayers & hope. I’m tired of praying for something God clearly thinks I need to work out myself.  I’m tired of hoping for a normal day.  I’m tired of “normal” people judging me & giving me that bullshit that I should just be “better.” Or the “control yourself” look. So, no pressure. I crave order to chaos, rules to anarchy, & prefer people do what I ask to ignoring me, or finding a better way.  I have considered all scenarios, & know what is best.  Dammit.  I’m going to Lowes today & getting some gorilla racks. Then to dollar tree for some buckets & bins. That is all.  I am taking back my life, starting today.  Or should I continue letting everyone be happy?  Decisions decisions . . .

Wish me luck, ya’ll.

The night before a “snow day”

Here in Texas, it was 81┬░ yesterday. My ass was in shorts stocking up at Target after seeing our weather advisory. Went to the gym today.  Not to work out, just to enjoy the hot tub & steam room. I also got to enjoy a shower without blood curdling screams from my toddler. Diva is going thru major separation anxiety.

Walked out to sleet sticking in the parking lot. Grabbed Boo from school & called his dad to cancel juijitsu.  We’d postponed Cub Scouts till next week this morning.   Glad we did, too. Roads here were treacherous by 7. 

We all snuggled in, even Hubs came down stairs, & the boys decided to watch GI Joe.  Oy vey!

We had a great time.  I did notice a certain green-eyed monster creep in, tho. Diva didn’t like me cuddled up with Boo, so she crawled up between us. Boo just laughed. It was really sweet, until Diva started slapping Boo.

Dinner & calm!! I got my peaceful time with my family that I’d been praying for.   Hubs went back upstairs after some fro-yo.  Mind you, it’s 29┬░outside & sleeting, but they all wanted fro-yo.  I think the family time did us all a lot of good!

I even let Boo accompany me to let the dog out so he could see the light dusting of snow. He was so happy.  He even brought down the trash for me!

Then Boo turned on some Christmas music (thanks Google Play), & he fell  asleep on the couch & Diva in her swing.  I checked online one more time & finally, our school district showed closed for tomorrow!

I picked up Boo (since I still can), & put him in bed. I whispered that school is closed tomorrow, and then moved Maggie (our Elf on the Shelf), before taking Diva upstairs to her crib. Then got a call from our school district’s automated line that school had been officially cancelled for tomorrow.

I have been planning tomorrow since we got the weather advisory on Monday! Christmas crafts, The Pokar Express, gift wrapping, & fun. 

Now, for Hubs to get better. He tripped in India & actually dented a bone in his foot.  The trauma caused an infection. How random is that? Just praying now he doesn’t loose his foot, or his job! He can work from home, but the pain is excruciating for him.

But overall, tonight was a success.  Now I’m just sitting in my little office nook listening to the ice pelt the windows.   Kinda freaking since the lights have flickered a few times.  I may run to the garage to grab the camping lanterns.  Naw.  It’s cold as balls & my phone has an assist light that could land a 757 in fog. We r good.  Now to settle in till Tuesday, when it gets warm enough to melt this shit.  Ya know, why can’t we get snow instead of friggin’ ice?? I won’t complain, tho. I got an extra day with Boo while he still believes in the magic of Christmas.

Ya’ll be good, stay safe & warm, & lets all hold tight to that magic!

Night, bitches. Oh shit. I need to charge our phone recharger.  Gotta love being a Techy Family. We’ll die without our devices. Lol.

So, who’s up for some pie?

Have you ever imagined the sound of a fresh warm pile of shit hitting an oscillating fan? You know? The splat sound, just before being pelted with said shit?

Tonight. I heard that sound. The splat sound. Except it was my dad’s heart, after finding out a secret about his mom that me, my mom & sister had kept from him over 2 decades because we knew it would upset him. Something petty, but very hurtful his mom had said to me when I was a teen. Wasn’t the first, & sure wasn’t the last. But it’s his mom. Who wants to hear trash talk about your mom? Who wants to know their own mom hurt their kid’s feelings – ON PURPOSE? Who wants to know their mom is a hateful person? My mom asked that I just let it go & keep quiet at the time.   Her mom told me the same thing, when I recanted what happened – “just let it roll off, like water on a duck’s back,” Nanny said.

Let me tell you!! That ratchet (my new word) woman, Granny, has rubbed me wrong so many times I don’t even keep up any more.  This one particular event, & 3 others,  however, have stuck in my craw, but i have held my tongue for my dad’s sake.

But now what really bothers me is that my poor daddy has just been faced with her heinous behavior against me – his oldest daughter, & it is more than he should have to stomach.

What the hell am i talking about?

When I was in high school, I asked my dad’s mom, Granny, for her chocolate pie recipe. It has always been my most favorite part of the dessert table.  Hell, everybody’s – it is something monumentally spectacular.   She refused to give it to me on the grounds that she only gives that to family members. Stunned & young, I said, “what?”  She said, “it is something that has to stay in the family.”

Grotesque, I know. Add to it I am the oldest child of her youngest child . . . Her family . . .  And a kid at the time. Who does this??? Hurtful sentiment & over a fucking pie recipe I can prolly google . . .

Again, this wasn’t the first, or even worse thing she’d said to me.  But when my dad called me tonight, it was the first he’d heard of it. And when he asked for my version of what happened, I faintly heard the sound of his heart breaking, followed by the splat sound, as he said that was bullshit for her to say that to me, & to hell with his mom & sisters. 

What brought this up? Easy. Mom & Tookie were talking about desserts. And, what’s the all time fav??? Granny’s chocolate pie. Then, the old joke (between me, my sister, Tookie, & Mom) slipped out, & daddy wanted to know what they were talking about . .  . So out it came. After more than 20-fucking-years . . . So, he called his oldest sister. Thinking she’d give it to him & proving I had just misunderstood his mom, & this was all blown out of proportion.

To his surprise, she refused to give it to him. (WTF, right? Is a dead man’s ear hair the secret ingredient???)  At that point, my dad officially flipped shit. He then asked if that was why his mom refused to give it to me, b3cause I wadn’t her daughter. And then said he was done with them all. Not to bother calling him. If that’s the way they treat family, he wanted no part of it. 

Yep. That sums up my night.  As much as I’m a fan of Karma kicking people’s ass who really deserve it (and believe me, there are few who deserve a Karma beat-down like that woman), I’d have rather let my dad keep believing his mom was a good, sweet person, rather than him have to deal with knowing she is a horrible excuse of wasted tax dollars.  Well, I’m sure he doesn’t feel as strongly as I do, but he feels really bad his own mother treated me so terribly, & that I coveref it up to protect his feelings. And really, there is no excuse.  And for some reason, I feel terrible for telling him the truth when he asked.  I should have pretended I didn’t know what he was talking about . . .

You live, you love, & you share. That defines family.  Period.  So. I heard the splat of shit hitting the fan. Now just waiting for the shit-splatter to fly back onto me. And when the shit hits a fan, it splatters on everyone.

Be thankful tonight that you’re not me. My daughter just shreaded every millimeter of styrofoam that had packaged my Christmas decor. She may be the cutest little monster ever.   Uuuggh. I love her. That little monster!

Peace, ya’ll.




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