Victory or Death

” . . . I shall never surrender or retreat. Victory or Death.” William Barret Travis.

Those are some damn bold words, if I do say so myself. Unwavering conviction. It is beautiful. It is inspiring.

I will enjoy my children. I keep thinking about yesterday morning, when both kids ran like banshees throught the apartment, shooting guns, then sword fighting while Hub was out. Something that normally makes me nuts, but I embraced it. And relished their wild laughter. The two of them playing together. It was great. I git about 5-minutes worth.

Good news, I’ll get to enjoy my growling V-8 engine for a few more months. You can bet your ass I’m gonna take delight in every last drive I make before trading it in later this year. And will pray it won’t need towing in the meantime.

Most likely I will opt for the 2015 Traverse XTL with all the options, but it’ll be something we can keep, hopefully, for the next 8 years or so. At which point Boo will be driving, Hub will have his Vette, & Mommy can get her Jag/Maseratti sports car for hauling Diva around. Hell, we can even keep it longer, if it’s still driving, as a family vehicle, if really needed. I have a plan. Victory or Death, right? And in the meantime, we’ll keep fighting to get our happy until, like a butterfly, it lands on our noses.

Happy is very much like a butterfly. Easier to find in the sunny, warm months, and even then, can just flitter all around you, & stays just out of reach. But, if you are just still, & patient, like happy, a butterfly will rest on you. And if you wait, you’ll find yourself amidst a whole colony, & all you can see are flapping wings in your face.

Sometimes, life is so much like a butterfly. Boo & I discussed this just last week. You got a larva stage, then the caterpillar stage, then cocoon to go through before you can become a butterfly, or in this instance catch one, but it is soooo worth it. Don’t settle for a moth. Don’t convince yourself you are happy with a moth; all they do is ruin your favorite blouse. Chase after that happy. Be happy. You deserve it. It’s what we were made for. If not, then why do people who can’t get it commit suicide? Because they know the simple truth: We were made for happy.

Hell, the American Constitution even goes so far as to protect it’s pursuit as an inalienable right. My very government accepts what I’m saying as truth . . . Not that I hold great respect for the political machine it has become, but I hold our founding fathers in great esteem. They had vision. My very ancestors had this vision. Victory or Death. Liberty or Death. Get your happy. Be it accepting what you just can’t control, or going balls out to make a change happen.

Make a goal. Get a plan. Write that shit down. And follow through! Get happy. Be happy. And for the love of all things holy, PLEASE spread that shit around!

Peace, bitches.

My favorite picture

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This may be one of my favorite pics. It was actually part of a larger one where I was trying to catch the elusive Diva in her wilderness habitat, along with Boo & Hub. In looking through my snapshots on my phone, this caught my eye, and I had to zoom in. Just his expression to me alone, about my futile attempts to get a nice photo of all three, in 100° heat on the Riverwalk.

So many times in life, we all get caught up in the “big picture”, we lose sight of those tiny instances where we can find happy, change course, or be a difference in someone’s life. This photo brought me into focus. Or in a crowded place, with a lot of chatter, & you hear a familiar voice out of all of the noise, you are still able to pick that one out, even from 10 yards away, above all kinds of noise – that’s the one your ears hone in on.

As I struggle to simply survive Diva & her toddlerhood, I am missing out on all the greatness. Sometimes I am so overwhelmed by my to-do list and touching base with everyone who needs/wants me, I take her & this whole experience for granted. Which is why I have decided to minimize my friendly chats, optimize my family time, & slate more time with extended family over relaxing & catching up with friends. (And trading in my high-maintenence luxury sedans for ones that won’t be in the shop every month, sucking my time & energy). My friends understand. They were there before the kids & family, & they’ll be there after the kids are in college. And a few times a year, I will make time for them.

In leu of a job, I am heading my son’s Cub Scout Pack, which not only gains me time with my son, but also access into a life that I am daily being phased out of due to hormones that I have no personal knowledge of how to manouver, so I’ll have to depend on Hubs & rely on my ex to help guide him when I “just can’t.” And that breaks my heart a little each day just thinking about. It is coming, & just as there was no way to prepare myself for motherhood, there is no way to prepare myself for him to be a teenager. But I will hold him tight, for ad long as he allows it, & love him through it all.

The most heart-warming moment on our vacation, however, was caught by Hub, as Diva ran from one end of the open dining hall to the other, dress and hair flowing behind her, as she crashed into her brother’s arms.  In that one snapshot, it told the story of two mischievous children playing, unapologetically, and enjoying childhood to it’s fullest, and also of a little girl trusting not only that her big brother would be there to catch her, but catch her before Mommy got a hold of her.

This vacation was a sacred time. Of simple and cherished moments between us alone. And times I hope we don’t forget. I may share photos with friends & family, but only each of us know the full story behind it all. How we got there. Not just on vacation, but struggling to find our place in this family. And what we were thinking at the precise moment the shutter closed. Just everything that we are as a (blended) family. The crazy dynamics that make us uniquely “us.” And nobody gets that access, nobody steps beyond those velvet ropes but us. And that is what having a family is. Every silly, stressful, happy, argumentative, moment of family vacation.

Oh, and my phone charger was the first thing packed, so I threw it in and forgot. Nothing was left behind!! Super Mommy has prevailed, chalk-up a win for OCD!

It’s good to be home. The best part, though, is our bed! The glorious new iComfort ultra plush! 

Tomorrow, Diva has an appointment with the pediatrician, I have to run by the Scout Shop, Hub has some big meetings about his ap design with the company president who has flown-in, Boo has jiujitsu, & I have a parent meeting tomorrow night I’ll have to prep for. School starts in less than a week. You can bet your sweet ass I’m gonna squeeze all the happy out of these last few days like the last few squirts from a tube of toothpaste.

Get your happy!

Peace, bitches!

Heading home

So, this morning I woke up with my phone in hand & in mid-sentence of writing my blog for last night. Can you say exhaustion? My two little “angels” faught sleep as if they were battling Lucifer himself.  I finally had enough & it was around 10:15 when I put an end to glow bracelets, electronics, & any light source. They were both out by 10:30!

For the first time in the history of our life, Hub woke US up this morning with a swift flick of a light switch. Seriously. Shocked. With only half an hour left to grab the free breakfast, we hustled to get changed & down to the 2nd floor. Made it. Kids & I had a nice breakfast before heading back up to pack, but not before one last trip to the Riverwalk below.

It was a frigging circus in that damn room. Those three were jacking around, playing loudly, & throwing balls, while talking to me.

Now, this may mean nothing to you. It may just sound like a typical day – a happy family playing together in a hotel room for the last time on this vacation.

For someone with OCD, this means disruption to a sacred ritual. And that means imminent doom. Anarchy & chaos. Nothing good can come of this. Nothing. Loud noise filled my ADHD brain as I struggled harder & harder to focus on packing, rather than binding & gagging my family while I handled this. I tried to accept their “help”. Which only made things in my mind, more chaotic, as they handed me things out of my ritualistic order of things. Or inquired about others.

A little over an hour after leaving the hotel, and the only thing we left was my phone charger. I do not recall getting it from the wall. I do, however, remember being interrupted when asking about all of our chargers as to whether or not I’d remembered to get this or do that . . .

If everyone leaves me alone, and I can have a quiet work area, I will not forget anything. No. Not one, single, miniscule item. I even get on my hands & knees checking every square millimeter of our space before leaving. This morning, however, with everyone’s “help”, I did no such check. And the last 15 or so minutes, I was just tossing shit here & there & just hoping to make it to the car before I had a heart attack, or someone had to call 911.

This has been a tremendous 1st official family vacation. It was great!! I got to stay on the Riverwalk, Boo got to go to The Alamo, & both Boo & Hub got to see Guardians of the Galaxy in Imax 3D.

Poor Diva got more than she bargained for, though. She had a cut on her thumb Thursday, before we left. I cleaned it, & put a Hello Kitty band aid on it. She also had a small scratch on the corner of her mouth. No biggie. It looked kinda bad when we left, but figured we could get some blistex & it would be ok. Looked like a cold sore, honestly.  By Saturday (the next) morning it was the size of a dime & her nose seemed really snotty.  By Saturday night, her nose was crusty. Sunday, the nose was red, swollen & crusty & her mouth & thumb looked like they both may be infected.

I called her pediatrician before packing up this morning, & made an appointment for tomorrow morning. Plus, our doctor is calling in an ointment to keep me from complete panic. Poor baby. It doesn’t seem to bother her much, though. We stopped in Georgetown for lunch. Quaint downtown, I must say, & everyone is friendly & nice.

Now, to get home. Oh yeah, kids are both soaked from playing in the town’s water park. Uuugh. OCD really snatches my ability for happy when I’m hyper-focused on getting home safe & germ-free. Hub helps with that. How I wish I could’ve just enjoyed those few minutes of the kids playing, instead of mentally thinking of how to keep them dry, or how to get to their clean, dry clothes. I’m glad that sometimes Hub really takes over in the fun department, for their sakes.

I have got to stop living in the “what if’s,” & how to be prepared, & instead just realize, I will figure it out. I can’t prevent everything, I can just create a boring time.

Get your happy. Less than a week from now school will be underway, & our old routine started up. And we’ll be one school year closer to packing him up for university. In that perspective, everything else seems trivial. We’ll get there. And we are all 4 going to snag that happy! Come hell or high water.

Peace, bitches.

Our last night

We spent Sunday morning cruising through the El Mercado. Diva & I got matching dresses. We both received numerous compliments on them this evening, too.  We had lunch at Hub’s family favorite – Margaritas. However, they refused to serve me an entire liter, so I downed two half liters instead. If you’d have been there, you would have, too.

First off, the Mercado is an indoor shopping – center, I guess – with knickknacks & bullshit made in Mexico. It reminded me of shopping in border towns. Just about anything & pretty cheap, too. Diva ripped a paper flower from a sturdy vase. As I wrestled it from her hands, while she screamed bloody murder, the guys were looking for & buying their own stuff a few shops away. I explained to the older gentleman running that booth that my husband had my money, but would be right there . Sent frantic text to Hub as gentleman walked to vendor across the way & spoke indestictly, & both looked back at me & Diva, now rocking her stroller violently, trying to escape. 

The older man crossed back to the “scene of the crime,” and fixed the paper flower. I was so embarrassed, I offered to pay him, but he reassured me it was okay. It was only $2, so we really lucked out. I handed him the money once they guys got to us, & he reached for the biggest, prettiest lime green flower, & placed it in Diva’s hands.

She thought it great fun to drag it on the ground once we were outdoors.

We had a 10-minute wait for a table at lunch. We ordered, & all was right. Then Diva had to climb out of her high chair, knocking her completely full orange drink onto the floor, and under the table where a childless couple sat. Both glaring at me. The husband jumped up, holding his wife’s Marc Jacobs knock-off and manouvered to the side of their table farthest away from us. The wife was terrified her new Nike running shoes would get wet, so she placed her feet on the table legs & base until I could finally flag down two waitresses & a bus boy.

The waitress began cleaning what she thought was just a minor spill. Then I pointed to under the nearby table. Her eyes said it all: “Damn, the whole cup must have been full!”

Yup. I had a liter of margarita today.  This is why I don’t leave my apartment. There is no controlling her. No amount of desperate pleas can coerse her. No threat, no punishment.  Okay. I can go with accepting her, but I cannot allow bad behavior. I just can’t tolerate it. Nor can I stomack Boo constantly talking back.

***and that is where I fell asleep***

We all slept-in till 8:30, so now we are in a mad rush!! Gotta go. Hang onto whatever happy you got.

Peace bitches.

Letting go

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Diva, rightly nicknamed, is high-spirited & very strong-willed. The high-pitched squeals are soul-quaking. Simply, they are beyond my ability to tolerate. I just lose my shit. Her incessant quest for destruction, disorder, & chaos is overwhelming.

Terrible twos? You gotta be kidding me. My shrink says she couldn’t possibly know or do it on purpose. Yeah. I call bullshit. She is a thrill & attention seeker. This type of personality can’t be changed. It can only be accepted. It’s 9:30AM on a Sunday in a very predominantly Catholic city. So my means needed to accept her this morning are cut-off. I will have to wait until noon (Texas Blue Law) to search out hard alcohol.

I’m hiding in the bathroom while the guys watch her. So far, she’s used markers to jazz-up the solid white sheets & I can hear her laughing with a sort of sickening delight as they scramble to contain her mischief. Fail. Fail, fail, fail.

I get her. I was the same way, although not as young or as destructive at my onset, but a thrill & attention-hungry beast, nonetheless. It was in my mid-30’s & during my abusive 1st marriage that it was quelched. However, I do, occasionally have flare-ups.

I refuse to resort to the tactics used by my ex to squash Diva. In squashing my destructive nature, he ripped my happy to absolute shreds. I catch glimpses of that girl I used to be. In Diva & in old friends; In thinking long & hard about what I believe in & why – spirituality, politics, and societal issues.

I will raise both children. I will love them equally for the person he/she is. And I will guide & encourage each to be true to themselves, while showing them to make positive, good choices. Literally, as best I can, as calmly as possible.

And I will let go of trying to control either of them (as much as I’d like to ducktape Diva’s mouth). I will embrace it. I will, at least try. I will try. Fighting is not worth it. And, it seems to me, resistance is futile, for my fellow trekkies. I WILL embrace Diva’s absolute madness, as well as the messes she continually makes.

Get your happy, however insane your life & all those in it are & make you. Happy is what makes all the difference. Fuck it & fuck any rude, hateful stares. Who the hell are they, anyway? Obviously, they need to get some happy, too.

Peace, bitches.

Staying in San Antonio

Ok. So here’s my take on Drury Plaza Riverwalk in San Antonio.

Clean rooms. Direct access to the Riverwalk & free drinks. Free WIFI. Free breakfast, too. Hell, free dinner! Seriously?

My stipulations for a hotel – on the Riverwalk & free drinks. Win! Free food is a bonus, right?

Well, the dinner “appetizers” are really a full meal. Pasta with meatballs, salad, baked potatoes . . . And as much soft drinks as possible. So that’s actually really cool. They even have high chairs for Diva. However, only 3 free alcoholic beverages, which was fine for me & Hub only had 2 beers.  Tonight’s “snack” is chili dogs. Kinda stoked about that. Breakfast was really good – scrambled eggs, roasted potatoes, biscuits & gravy & pancakes. Seriously can’t complain.  The coffee, however, reminded me of that from a truckstop, not so much Starbucks quality. Still. Included in the price of the room, which was very moderate, I can’t bitch too much. Again, this is a tremendous value & utterly family friendly hotel & town. Several times today young men in uniform (obviously on leave for the weekend) opened doors & offered to assist me with a stroller & maneuvering stairs. More than one person offered to help with the stroller today, as well.

Now, regarding the room: I applaud Drury for opting to not only save money, but reduce plastic bottle waste by mounting shampoo, conditioner, & body wash on the wall of the shower. Nice smell & decent quality.  However, I was very glad I threw in our listerine, as they had no mouthwash in the form of guest gimmies. Just some body balm/lotion.

Also lacking was a vent for the bathroom. So the mirror fogs when you take a shower, & the stink lingers if someone poops. That, I thought was strange. It’s not an all-in-one, it just doesn’t have one.

The other down-side is all of the other tourists staying in the hotel. If you wait your turn & stand a reasonable distance from the person ahead of you out of courtesy, you will notice someone, often several someones, nudging you to push their way to the front. This struck me as odd. Is this their last meal? Have they never basked in the glow of a fountain machine before? Perhaps they are unfamiliar with the term free, so they are bum rushing others in line so as to evade reprimand from authorities.

A similar occurance is prevalent while getting onto the only three working elevators. Upon checking in, we noticed a line of others with bags, some without, standing at the bank of elevators.  As soon as one set of doors opened, common courtesy for the unspoken honor system of “next in line” was thrown out the window, and those from the rear rushed forward with recless abandon in their race to their floor of choice, as if God Himself were waiting on them, & completely disregarded those respectfully obeying the commonly known laws of civilized society.

I encountered this more at the Mall today. People pushed & shoved to get into the food court area, as if it would disappear, along with all possible food sources.  Perhaps these people are refugees from another land, where you must be first, or you will not have food? Perhaps. Or perhaps this is just what society is becoming: ruthless, classless bottom-feeders.

Speaking of possible end-of-the-world scenarios, upon returning from our sweat bath, I inquired at the front desk as to where the bar was, or if I just had to order a soda from room service, only to be told there was no room service.

The horrified look on my face. Utter. Horror. As if I’d just witnessed Norman Bates running with a knife through the damn lobby.

“Excuse me, what?” I said with a chuckle. Obviously I misunderstood.

“We have free drinks at breakfast & at 5 . . .”

“No, wait,” I interrupted, “uuhm, how can I get a soda in between?”  I had suddenly moved into a visible panic &  had a feeling that I was somewhere I didn’t belong, like when you make a left turn onto a one-way street. Or walk into a private club, thinking it was a public restaurant. Panic. Panic was setting in. I don’t belong here. Something has gone horribly wrong. And I read reviews & picked this place. Oh, my sweat began sweating.

“There is a sundry shop over there.” Diva & I almost knocked a maintenance man off his ladder to get to that refrigerated door of goodness. Dr. Pepper in hand, I reached for my wallet just as Diva bolted across this once completely grand lobby. “Just charge to my room!”  I heard her yell “yes ma’am” as I ran after Diva.

So, they can do that. The staff here is really nice. Other guests, however, are not.

What has society become? This just makes me sad for my children. Strangers exchanging niceties out of courtesy is something they will never experience. Oh, the humanity. Indeed!

Perhaps I have lived a very sheltered life. Perhaps I am just old school. Because I’m not talking about kids, here, I’m talking about the parents. My age, approximately, & were either never taught manners, or feel they are out-dated. No. Rudeness will never be in style. I guess this growing rudeness is what causes highways to be shut down due to some crazed lunatic going all road rage. Nice people have had it with rudeness. Perhaps that is the reason for so many shootings. Guns don’t kill people – crazies pissed at rude people kill rude people. Ehh. Enough of my rant.

Athough I do not condone rudeness, or the invasion of my personal space, murder is completely, and unabashedly wrong, & against my religion, & every one of my personal beliefs. Now, I can wish clamidia on someone, but that’s about as far as I go.

Bout to go get my grub & drink on. Damn the rude people. Then we’re going swimming on the roof. Ahh. It was a good day. Get your happy!

Peace, bitches.

When vacationing in San Antonio

When vacationing in San Antonio, especially in summer, you will need to pack multiple changes of clothes per day. Especially undergarments. Women prone to yeast infections, you will want to change underwear about every half-hour you plan to be outdoors.

Dramatic? Perhaps. Honest? Absolutely! To say it’s fucking hot is just a gross understatement. I have been in a 72° hotel room half an hour, & my clothes are still ringing (literally) wet.

And still my fury turns to Rick Perry. If you’re not in Texas, google it. He’s allowed to veto, just like a president, which is legal. However, what he veto’d was funding for investigating public officials for abuse of power, which ironically, is what he is being charged with.

The DC political machine has spread to all of our states. All of our towns. Loopholes how to fuck over the American working class, how to manipulate the system, how to get rich while raping the working poor. AND NOT ONE PERSON IS STEPPING UP TO THESE BASTAGES!

Who will run against them? Who will implement term limits? Who will abolish gift-giving? Who will put an end to lobbyists? Who will stop these minority special interest groups? Obama, I seem to recall, mentioned that in, I believe, his first campaign. It’s not gay marriage, atheist rights, political correctness, or illegal children that we need to focus on, dammit! It is term limits!! When it gets down to sending our neighbors & friends to sit in office, you can bet your sweet ass that they are going to vote the way the people who electected them expect, to truly represent the people, or he/she is gonna face some serious shit when that term is over!

As it stands, our elected are above the law, get a stellar healthcare package, a truly epic retirement, and as long as they’ve got one of those golden parachutes, don’t even have to act in the people’s best interest, let alone with any shred of ethics or basic morals.

And, nobody seems to give a rat’s ass. Nobody cares.

I digress. Today has been good. Lots of heat, but overall, really, really good. It is beautiful here.  I just need some dry clothes, fresh underware, & a nap . . . Whisky wouldn’t hurt, either.

Peace, bitches.  Fire all incumbents & let’s fix America!

I can go no further

I am so tired. Everything on my body hurts! I swear my hair sighed with relief when my head hit the pillow. It has been one hell of a busy few weeks, and the last 7 days have tested me as a human being.

It is almost done. Tomorrow we set out on vacation.

Who am I kidding? Vacation is still work.  At least I have no dished to do! No chores. And that is gonna be stellar!! Still gotta be mom 24/7, but will have Hub helping 24/7.

I am sooo looking forward to this time away before next week smacks me in the face. First District kick-off meeting tonight. Tuesday will have me scrambling to get ready for the meetings ahead. But I’ll get it. We’re gonna rock this year.

I wish people would understand, that when I say I’m busy, & I can’t chat, not a second here or minute there, (because it distracts me, I lose focus, & have to start all over again), it is what I mean. I don’t have blocks of time set aside to chat with friends throughout the day. Hell, I don’t have blocks of time for anyone outside of my family, doctor’s appointments, scouts, chores, & school. Diva, Boo, & Hub take up every second, & I have a tight schedule that stays BOOKED. I’m lucky if i’m even able to carve out a block of time for Hub. I cram them in here & there, but I have to stay focused. And it is hard. It is damn hard, to be honest. I catch up when I can, & that’s just as good as it gets.

I spent an hour and a half tonight going over tomorrow morning & writing out, in detail, what still needs to be done, & in what order. OCD. I went through everything in my mind 3 times, so we are good.

Today, I painted Diva’s nails. They match mine – Lincoln Park After Dark, OPI. I love it. It looks absolutely gorgeous on her! And our toes are a sparkly gold – fabulous! So that was my happy. Today has been fraught with epic battles & simple tenderness with the kids.  And that is what I want to focus my time & attention on.

I’m sure whatever was missed, we’ll live without. It will all be fine. This is gonna be fun. Our first vacation away from DFW as a whole family.

I’m on photo duty. And I take the ones that catch everyone off guard. And Boo ALWAYS does a damn photo bomb. Will have to call Mom regarding our 6 ancestor’s names at the Alamo, but . . . I’m really going to stop now. I’m really going to bed. Between ADHD & OCD, planning a trip is a real mother!

Peace, bitches

Over it.

I’m over it! What does that mean to you? Done? I’m over parenthood. I’m over being a grown-up. I’m over my allergies. I’m over the post-nasal drip. I’m over having arthritis. I’m really over doing all the family chores. I am over being needed for everything from everyone. I’m over being so damn exhausted that I fall asleep before 9PM with my phone in hand because I still have things left to do. Really over the trail of destruction Diva leaves. Over rude, inconsiderate people. Over self-obsesssed parents. Have I mentioned how many parents & leaders have quit scouts in the last few weeks?

Maybe over it is short for overwhelmed by it. I got a call yesterday from a recruiting agent. Two separate executive assistant jobs in Dallas that I would be perfect for.

Dear God!! Could you imagine doing all of this AND having a real job?? Plus the drive to & from downtown everyday? I would be completely exhausted & frustrated, then come home, after Hubs had picked up the kids, & will have had them for half an hour or more, on his own, and he will have to get Boo to Jiujitsu twice a week . . . Could you imagine what I would walk into each and every night? Then deal with Cub Scouts, too?

Yeah. As soon as Diva STOPS doing the opposite of everything we say, maybe. Most likely AFTER she starts school (and that countdown has begun). The living room is a disaster area, & I just cleaned it last night. The dishes pile up bad enough as it is. Hub “doesn’t do” the oven, so it would be take out every night if I had a job. No time to shop, cook, clean AND be wife & mother. Everything I love, everyone I love, taking a back seat until the two-weeks once per year we take a vacation, and the few legal holidays I am off work, AND Boo is NOT with his dad. I have done this before. It ended in divorce. Partly because my ex was a douche, & partly because after I got home every night, I crashed. We ate, I bathed Boo, & he & I went to sleep while my ex chatted online with his coworker, now wife. Next day, repeat. I could NOT do this with TWO children. It truly breaks my heart to think of the neglect everyone would feel.

Other couples do this. They manage just fine. But other couples don’t have one with ADHD & OCD. Other women don’t riddle themselves with guilt, imaginary or real. I never was able to find that balance between work & family. Just thinking about it totally stresses me out, my heart is racing, and I’m over it. I worked, then came home and spent every last ounce of myself pouring my emotions & soul into a tiny tot before passing out from exhaustion before taking him to daycare the next morning. Weekends were simply a blur of errands, cleaning, & napping. Married & divorced.

I may be overwhelmed here at home, but adding a job to it, would just create a new dimension of hell for me, Hub, & the kids. And we don’t need it.

I do, however, believe I can eliminate some drama from my life. Cutting out daily conversations with friends not related to me is first.

I am over owning high-maintenance vehicles! I love my Jaguars. LOVE. Absolutely love them. However, it seems I have one of them in the shop at least once a month. I really don’t need it. I adore the power, both in excelleration & braking. The sweet abundance of safety features. The luxurious ride. And the absolute sexy throaty growl of the engine’s purr. And when we can go a few months between another trip to Park Place, the anxiety of Bob’s call, butt-tightening to brace for the impact of whether or not it is covered, or the ridiculous cost we’re about to have to shell-out, I truly live the decadence of owning two Jaguars. $3k for tires? $2k for brakes? $1,500 here & there. What is it going to be this time? Or the next time? That, I do NOT love. Being anxious to the point of not wanting to take a long trip for fear of an inevitable break-down? Ridiculous. Serious. Fear. It is going to break down every 1000 miles, it seems, or something stops working, or malfunctions. And my ass is back at Jag. It is seriously about every 1000 miles, give or take. Something. Always something.

I hate GM for that bailout crap!!  The one my grandchildren will be paying for. I despise what GM top executives have done to Detroit because they paid themselves ungodly annual salaries, while workers who put blood, sweat, & tears into pursuing their American dream were laid off without much consideration. Sickening. Disgusting. I’m not all about labor unions, in fact, I am completely against them, but I am more against fat cats living extravagant lifestyles at the expense of the working poor. They are no better than the politicians they feed to keep our political machine running counterproductive to the American people.

But Hub makes the money, & he hates Ford. So . . . GM/Chevy it is. Marriage is all about compromise, sacrifice, & picking your battles.

Shit. I should’ve set an alarm to write this last night. My day is slipping through my fingers as I type & play with kids, while trying to finish laundry & dishes before packing up, and then heading out to my Cub Scout District Leadership meeting this evening.  Yup. I multitask. Write, make toast, cut up oranges, switching out wet & dry clean clothes, emptied dishwasher, singing & dancing with Diva, & chatting with Boo simultaneously. Oh. Gotta freeze bananas for treats! Mother-in-law gave me that idea. She’s pretty stellar. She’s been around a while. And has been a housewife & mother of 4 during 1960’s & 1970’s. So, she definitely knows her shit!

So I’m gonna chug what remains of my iced coffee, & snag some fucking happy amidst this insane-busy day that lays ahead. Yes. I hate the stupid Lay, Lie, Lies, & Laid word rules. I’m from Texas. Ain’t nobody got time for that! So just go with it. You know what I mean. Hell, I’m doing good if I proofread my fat-fingering before I hit publish. Get your happy & fuck the details. Toss hate in the garbage, along with worry. Be a friend when you can, but mainly, find happy. Be happy. And spread happy.

Peace, bitches.

Welcome to adulthood

You know you made it to being a grown up when your childhood friends start burying their parents.  When you’ve had a good friends for almost a quarter of a century. Real friends from your late teen years. Who knew you as you were still young, free, naive, & hopeful. Still trying to figure out who you were & who you wanted to be. Before you got here. They knew you all along the way. And you got here together. I have only a few of those friends. Three, to be exact. The others have lost touch, drift in & out, or are casual buddies I keep touch with for old time’s sake.

But those three . . . I was the first call from Cadillac when his mother died last fall to fucking breast cancer. I was destroyed. I had meant to see her on her last visit, but was unable to because I had a 2 month old at the time. She understood. Never got to thank her for giving me such a terrific friend.

My oldest & closest friend, who has seen me at my worst & vice versa, well, we burried his mother about 6 years ago, & my husband & I just got home from his dad’s rosary tonight. It was emotional. All those little memories from hanging around their house as a teen. And popping in here in there over the years. Just to say hi because I saw their vehicles in the driveway. 

Tonight, somewhere between seeing his dad laying in that coffin & about the third part of the rosary, I suddenly realized, I wasn’t that kid who popped in. And I haven’t been for well over a decade. Hell. I wasn’t a kid at all. I was a grown up. And life had happened to me. It crept up on me while I was busy living.

I’ll be 40 in about a month. And for the life of me, I don’t know how I got here. Wasn’t it just a few years ago I was learning to drive?

Kneeling, I realized that your family, & that handful of close friends are what make life so great. When I die, I better look fabulous in that casket. Somebody better drape a boa around my neck & tuck a bottle of bubbly under my arm.

I got the feeling that when we die, we do get to all go to a better place, once we’ve finished here on earth. No matter what you believe. Our souls are intertwined into a greater frame than we can fathom. It’s bigger & greater than our human comprehension. It is only sad for those we leave behind. But that only goes to show how truly great of an impact you had on your world around you, and how you touched those you loved, and those who loved you back.

It was emotional, but very peaceful, too. Make time for your family. Show them your love every day. And get & give happy every chance you get.

Sorry. I am really drained & heading to bed. The rest of this week will be loving, packing, & preparing for this year’s Cub Scouts!  Oh yeah . . . And fucking Jag dealer!! So pissed. Really, really disappointed. And they are gonna catch some serious rath tomorrow! Don’t be interupting my summer fun with my kids, dammit. I may have to cut somebody! Just kidding. No premeditation. Bwahahaha. Ya’ll gotta laugh! We didn’t break down. Just little things that cause anxiety. Nothing truly horrible.

Get your happy. However we got here, we are here now. So I say, Hub’s right. I don’t have to act 40. I’m not old. And in these 39+ years . . . I have really lived.

Go Live!

Peace, bitches.

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