Snapped

Yup. This place is such a mess, I finally snapped. Have been throwing away toys & tying up cables. My friggin’ eye is twitching because I just can’t take this mess.

Taking away all toys. Will be installing shelving around the whole living room before Diva gets her toys back. This living room is ridiculous, & I will not allow it any more. She’s a little slob. Guess it’s better than having OCD, but the two just don’t mix.  Shrink at 4 today. Yeah.  Because kids keep undoing what I’m doing.

Oh hell.

That moment when you meltdown in front of your kids & make a violent arm flail . . . And the google remote flies loose . . . Launched through the air accidentally. Boo looked at me & shouts, “I’m telling!” 

“It was an accident!” I exclaimed, before we both burst into tears laughing so hard. Sometimes, happy just happens. Even in the middle of a meltdown. Go with it. Toys are still getting taken away, but with less anger. I will deal with my punishment when Hubs gets home, but for now . . . Gonna go clean & play.

Peace bitches!

Yeah. Good to know

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Good to know, indeed.  However, for those of us without the luxury of that filter, shit just comes out. My ex called it diahrea of the mouth, & I had it. Still do. Fuck it. Shit happens.

Happy is a real possibility!!

I met with my new shrink today. Not some idiot physician assistant flunkee, either. One who’s been practicing for decades. Her book shelves were filled with reference encyclopedias & medical books, not touchy-feely books by Dr. Phill & Christian authors. Her office was comfy & well lit. She kicked off her shoes & made notes. She asked detailed questions & listened to my responses, rather than lead my answers & jump to conclusions, & push pills. She asked about my anxiety, & my triggers. She asked about my outbursts. Then she asked to speak to my husband as well to further evaluate me & get a better picture. Not sure what exactly got me classified as “extreme OCD” on the spectrum, but that’s where I landed. 

And, surprise! She agreed wholeheartedly that my ADHD is a much lesser issue, & hinted that may just be a deeper symptom of my OCD, as a way my brain copes with anxiety. Hmmm. So yes, I’m loving her so far. 

She prescribed a pill specifically designed to treat OCD! Are you serious? There’s medicine to help the receptor uptake? Oh My God!! The light at the end of the tunnel may not be a freight train after all.

I still have 2 to 3 more evaluations to get through to see what therapy/therapist will work for me, but I have hope I’m not going to continue to struggle alone, suffer in silence, & continue to fight for my fucking happy, while alienating everyone who loves me because I’d rather not be bothered.

She asked me to read up on OCD before our next session, & extreme OCD. But when I asked if she thinks she can help me, she replied she believes she can, & she is sure gonna try. The tone in her voice & her expression assured me she was sincere, but that she herself understands this will be a challenge.  So, BALLS OUT, I will try. And by God, I’m gonna give it my all!!

And so, my journey begins. And I’m dragging ya’ll along.  In hopes none of you suffering ever feel alone or helpless, or hopeless. For those not battling OCD, sit back, cuz I’m 8-kinds of crazy.

Peace bitches! Nothin’ but love for ya!!

Flashing yellow

What does it mean? Hit the gas & pray? That’s what one man assumed today. Guess his god wasn’t listening. Thankfully, my God was.

I was taking Boo to his dad. They were heading to my ex-step-son’s graduation. And it was a lovely (but humid) June afternoon.  And at a busy intersection in north Plano, one man in a Nissan sedan decided he “didn’t get the concept” of a flashing yellow arrow. I saw him approaching the intersection at full speed, as the truck directly in front of me had a green light,  and I just screamed, “JESUS CHRIST, NO!”  Followed by the trucks bumper & rear tires being jarred into the air, then resting silently on the pavement.

Nobody honked. Stunned. As other cars kept buzzing by unphased & unstopping.

I gotta give props to my Jaguar XF Portfolio. I went from 50 mph to zero in 4 feet. Holy shit!, right? Uhh. Can you say, loyal Jag owner FOR LIFE?

The intercection is a major one, so I pulled over into the gas station, & called 911. I was the only witness who bothered to call & stay on the line till help came. I had Boo & Diva with me, so I couldn’t jump out & render aid, but I did the only thing I could. Remember, it’s June, in Texas, & 95° outside, without heat index, so leaving them in a car is NOT an option, nor is dragging out the stroller & walking up to strangers in shock with 2 small children.  So . . . After I see the lights coming, we head off, shaken, but unscathed. Thanks to the Big JC & my phenomenal Jag.

I was just pulling in the driveway when my phone rang. It was an officer calling me back to get my statement. I explained why I couldn’t render aid, & he let me know there were no injuries, thankfully. I told him we had a green light. A few cars had gone through the light & I saw the Nissan heading for the turn & was bracing for impact, but miraculously, we avoided the crash. He told me the driver admitted to seeing a flashing yellow arrow, but didn’t understand it meant he didn’t have right of way.

My heart goes out to the man and boy in the truck, though. It appeared they were father & son. The younger-looking, teen was crying & visibly upset & the older man was embrasing him, like only a parent can.  As we passed, we saw the T-boned Nissan’s air curtains, but none in the truck. Again, I was so relieved no injuries.

So, my point? Slow down. Not just so you have enough time to process the truck that’s about to T-bone your ass, but to understand that flashing yellow arrow in life: Caution; proceed with caution.

Life can not only change in an instant, but goes by way too fucking fast. My son is now in 3rd grade, & I’m sitting here at an obviously green light (metaphorically), wondering what happened to the last 5 years. He’s not 3, any more. Not by a looong stretch.

Just slow down when you can. And try to pay attention to what – and find a way to filter out the bullshit that keeps us all from seeing really matters – the big, happy picture.

Peace to all my ADHD & OCD bitches. And my sincere congrats to the class of 2014!

Running through a muddy field

Ever try to run through a muddy field? Your feet get bogged down, you’re quickly covered in mud from head-to-toe, & the more mud on your shoes, the harder it becomes to lift your feet, m7ch less continue running.  That seems to be the theme of my life. The harder I try, the more difficult it is to move forward. Each day drags on, while I recognize my life passing me by. This is my brain. This is my world.

I know this will all pass, in time, but for now it sucks. Again, I am clinging to any & all happy that crosses my path. “The ‘storms’ of life”. Yeah, not so much. Just struggling to find peace while exercising patience. And that’s going over like a pregnamt hurdler with a lead balloon.

However, I am embarking on a new challenge (I just thought of it) 5 things everyday that bring me a slice of happy. Doesn’t have to be a whole cake, I’ll even take the crumbs. Just 5 things everyday.

Today: I got to bathe myself!! Alone! Huge win. I did a load of dishes. Dinner was easy & delicious. Boo actually waited till I had my keys in hand before opening the door (huge OCD panic attack otherwise) & he pointed out he did it to help me NOT spaz out, and finally, my #5- Hub came home & kept Diva while I drove Boo to jiujitsu class & I didn’t have to wait on the ex this time, so fartman didn’t get me. Yeah. *Jack White’s new song sounded STELLAR blaring in the Jag – BONUS!

Sometimes, you gotta look & just be greatful for those rays of sunshine while you’re mired in the mud.

Peace, bitches!

If you’ve seen the movie, you know what I’m talking about. I have three bosses. Can’t get fired. And am ready to just unhinge everything I don’t like, then walk the fuck out – like a boss.

Wouldn’t that be awesome? But I live on a little bubble I like to call reality. It’s a bitch. Daily.

But, I have my next dental cleaning, my bloodwork (cholesterol check), new shrink, Hub’s bloodwork (bp check), & Diva’s speech evaluation all scheduled . . . So, June should be fun. Here, let me pour another glass of wine & settle in while the clothes dryer finishes.

Still have to get the Scout Pack Committee to meet, and outline key dates, since I’m Committee chair (no, it didn’t mean what I thought when I agreed to it). And make sure our boys assist in 5th grade graduation (is that REALLY an accomplishment?) And don’t get me started on the chores. And the never-ending to-do list. Combined with Diva’s screaming, Boo always drumming on or bouncing something, the tv always too fucking loud, and lights left on, things not done, projects incomplete . . . And wasn’t I writing a book? Oh yeah, the house. We have to finish paying off the last remaining debt, then start building a FUCKING HOUSE!! And my ex husband drones on & on about this & that & this & that.

Let me continue this vision of my reality: good friend is moving to Arizona (lucky bitch!), another friend misses me & I just don’t have the time, a family friend died, an aunt is now in a psych ward after her 2nd suicide attempt in as many weeks, my dad is battling cancer & waiting on results from 2 tests & a PET Scan.  Oh yeah, hell is a lot less warm than I had imagined. And I’m really just giving you the “overview.”  And my OCD/ADHD brain cannot process it. I just can’t seem to filter thoughts anymore than what comes outta my damn mouth.

So. What can I do? One thing at a time. Yeah. Suck my dick. Go eat a bag of potato chips – one chip an hour. If you don’t have it, you don’t get it.

I will continue to try – every mother fucking day – to just be alive. I will welcome happy at every chance. I will embrace this chaos. And starting June 9th, I’m going to walk out, LIKE A BOSS, & and be a kid with my kids. Story time at the library, tent forts in the living room, & swimming in the pool. We did the last homework of 2nd grade (that’s getting fucking done) tonight. He’s already been promoted, so kiss my ass. I am done being his warden.

Oh wait. Fuuuuuuuck. I have to make him read & work on his handwriting ober the summer. Oh well. We’ll work while Diva naps – after the pool. Win-win. Yeah. I have a plan.  Uuugh. Vacation. I was supposed to plan vacation 2 months ago.

Happy? Happy? You motherfucker. Where the hell are you? You bastard.

Fuck it. Laundry is about done. Bout to get my sleep on. Wine’s kicking in. Diva’s in her crib. I’m out.

Go find your happy, & drag it’s ass back, like a boss, & enjoy it. Everything else can wait to annoy you until you’re done with happy.

Peace, bitches!

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Anything is possible?

Yeah, they say anything is possible. If you believe. If you have faith. If you’re patient. With God. And it just goes on & on. I must say, I have become a sceptic & a bit cynical over the past few years. The optimistic, hopeful romantic has kinda died, giving birth to a realist.

I kinda miss that naive, blissful happy. Being a grownup sucks. Life isn’t the way I envisioned. And for the life of me, I can’t fix it. I have to patiently wait for life to unfold. That, for me, sucks even worse than being a grownup.

Ever just wanna run to your old bedroom, the one filled with stuffed animals & toys, and pounce on your strawberry-shortcake comforter- covered bed & listen to The Go-Go’s on your record-player & be 7 again? Hard times just seem to suck worse when you’re pushing 40.

Ever notice that when one setback happens, everything else that can go wrong does so at the exact same time? Even shit that you forgot about. Not to mention getting blind-sided by a host of other things that weren’t even on your radar? 

My ADHD brain is in full-effect, yet again. My mental checklist has overloaded. I need a 1000-page spiral notebook for my “to do today list,” and realize bitching ain’t getting me any closer to accomplishing any of them. So, I will grab a small spiral, & begin my list.

Diva, when she hugs me, or looks into my eyes and smiles . . . Oh, that is my big happy. I wish my son was able to be that kind of happy. For longer than 2 minutes/day. He is at the difficult age of 8. Not yet a tween, and not a little kid. I watch him struggle to find an identity, a safe place, a place to belong, and it hurts, mainly because I’ve been there. We all have.

When the magic seems to disappear from childhood. The rose-color glasses become a tad less rosey. And I find myself choking on my own selfish need for him to always be my baby. Did I mention being a grownup sucks? Letting him be free to grow up is so difficult. How tight is too tight? How loose is too loose?

These are the things that keep me up at night, haunt me while I sleep, and shadow me all day.

Ok. Cleaning the place up while Diva is taking a nap will at least occupy me more than Pet Rescue Saga, & help declutter my brain with busy work, as cleaning will be an accomplishment, which leads to happy, did you see that squirrel?? Bwahahaha. ADHD moment. Go be happy.

Peace, bitches.

Exhaustion.

Finding a new shrink is utterly exhausting. Ummn. Ok. I need help. And . . . Call insurance to get list. They gave me psychologists. Huulllllooooo. Who here doesn’t think I need meds? So, one very sweet Janell Myers was kind enough to call me back & spoke to me about what’s going on, & gave a few suggestions, since she doesn’t prescribe meds.

You know, it’s bad enough I’m batshit crazy . . . Can’t a regular dr just fix me? At this point, just labotomize my ass!! I’m so done. Everybody needs me to be normal, & I can’t, not anymore than a depressed person can just get happy-even with medication.

So, I called a shrink that provides meds, & will wait till June, when her scheduling person is back from vacation . . . Only to start the whole fucking process all over again!! And so help me God & Baby Jesus in a tux, if they try to feed me some bullshit about focusing on my ADHD, I may end up making the news. I just want a shrink to fix the OCD & panic attacks. Is that REALLY TOO MUCH TO FUCKING ASK???

So, I am getting ready to enjoy this weekend, Clonazepam in hand & ready to relax.  So, stay tuned for updates & future requests for bail money.

Peace, bitches . . . And stay away from the Meier Clinic.

Distraction

Today has been one gigantic distraction. I am barely able to grab one solid thought before 7 or 8 more come rushing in. “Where did i put my cup? What was i doing? I gotta pee. Where’s the remote? What load should I wash first? What’s for dinner? Is it really 10AM? When is the therapist going to call? I’m thirsty; where’s my cup? Did I turn off the coffee pot? Gotta remember . . . Where’s my note pad? Why am I holding a pen?”

Anxious to hear fron Diva’s speech therapist. My stomach is in knots. We have tried to talk, but I seem to only frustrate her, but she is making sounds & is very happy. Her eyes are filled with enthusiasm & wonder, and her smile is infectious. Today, I will have to calm down.

A hundred thoughts come flooding in when I sit quietly, searching for calm, though. However, when Diva presses her face to mine & I smoother her with kisses, none of it seems to matter much. I’ll take the call when it comes. I will meet with Boo’s teacher this afternoon. I may go to get him some shorts in a bit. I am washing clothes now. I will try to remember a note pad & pen.  Oh fuck it. Today is hopeless. 

I’m about to go play with Diva & get my happy on! Will find shrink.

Peace, bitches.

Get your happy on.

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Right now. Distractions, worries, anxieties & all can fucking go wait. Happy can’t wait. Right now can’t wait.

Go, bitches!! Go.

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