What’s wrong?! (Epic Rant)

So, I have a ton of things whirling around my head like bees in a wildflower field. Shrink said to double up on vyvanse. Ok. Done. Still figety. If that doesn’t work, we’ll be looking at a different medication. We’ll give it a few weeks.

“And no doctor ever diagnosed you all through school?” She asked me in utter disbelief. Once again, I told her that my parents thought it was just who I was. A free spirit. But today, she asked about school. I told her all about my daily trips to the front desk, weekly paddlings, constantly being moved around the classroom, sitting out at recess, writing sentences, copying the dictionary.

“Was I disruptive in class?” Lady, seriously? I am disruptive at parent teacher conferences even now. And when did it start? Ummm, birth, I’m guesding. I can’t ever remember sitting still or quiet. My grandmother would bribe me with money, her husband with trips to the toy store. My parents had pretty much given up trying to control me by the time I was 8 or 9. I was just . . . I had too much energy, & talked too much, and way too fast.

My room was a mess. Always. Toys everywhere. I loved to clean the main living areas, though. No toys in sight. No Barbies or Legos to distract me, just one thing at a time to focus on. Dusting, vacuuming, cooking & baking stuff. Decorating, rearranging, you got it! Golf was good, but by 9 holes my dad was worn out by me. Piano at 13. Ahh. Something to keep me still. I was super-hyper-focused. And God help anyone or anything that disturbed me while I ritualisticly practiced, understanding & appreciating every note, as if they were written just for me.

Today I have too much to do. So I’ve done nothing productive. And I’m good with that. Diva & I played. We sang. We argued over the names of colors. But overall, happily, blissfully unproductive day.  Facebook helped.

Did you know a police officer is killed in the line of duty every 52 hours? Staggering. How does that not make News? I am baffled, to be quite honest. A few bad decisions or bad cops, & that is the picture painted to us by our media. Not the thousands of good cops.

Next up: Can anyone explain to me why there are thousands upon thousands of Christians being killed by terrorists, not just in the Middle East, but has recently been spreading to other continents . . . And not so much as an eyebrow is being raised? But for some reason, when Israel seeks to protect itself from these same terrorist groups, our whole country is up-in-arms.

Muslims, by in large, are peace-loving. Or at least the ones I presently know or have known, are very much peace-loving. So I am talking about the militant, extremist terror groups, just so we are clear. These groups, Hamas, or which ever one is wherever you’re looking, thrive on fear & hatred, seeking only destruction & extermination. They will accept no peace until every religion converts or dies.

So, when extremist terror cells begin killing Jews, kidnapping their children, bombing busses, launching rockets onto civilians, that is ‘acceptable’. And when Israel retaliates, after bombing the area with warnings to the civilians to evacuate the area so they will not be among the casualties as they seek out these terror cells, “how dare they hurt these poor terrorists & the innocent women and children they hide behind!?!?”  Excuse me, but WHAT THE FUCK?!

What, pray tell, am I missing? “The Lebonese have been oppressed by the Israelis.” Really? And they have just been minding their own business, and the greedy Jews have just decided to take back what was won in a 4-day battle over, what, 60+years ago all of a sudden? Seriously? Is everybody just ate up with the dumbass, or does anyone else smell shit?

As with the Muslims I know, the Jewish people I know are equally peace-loving. So, what’s really going on? Media paints Israel as the bad guys. Much like media paints cops as bad guys. All it takes is a few bad ones, & the public convicts, with only the little, biased news snippets they are fed.

I don’t care your religion – if you are a terrorist, I don’t like you. Period. There is no need to tolerate such behavior in civilized society. It cannot exist if we are to have freedom & order. If allowed, we would all be living in a constant state of fear, which is exactly what terrorists want. So, peace-loving people on both sides, & a group of thugs, holding one side hostage, while terrorizing & bullying the other, then shouting “no, no, Israel started it, we were only testing our rocket launchers when they went off, simultaneously, for several hours at a time.”  And why, If Israel is so oppressive, has not one UN resolution or sanction been wagered against them? The US & UN have no problem issuing sanctions against other countries, & we (the US) have been threatened with sanctions in the past for our own flagrant disregard when flying off half-cocked. The thought that America stands with Israel is just a farce. If that wad true, why has the media turned the masses against Israel by telling partial stories of what is going on over there?

That still doesn’t explain why Christians are being targeted for slaughter by yet another Muslim extremist group in Africa now. For cenuries, I read, that Muslims & Christians have lived in peace in remote areas of Africa, but in recent weeks, a terror group has come in, killing literally thousands, entire villages, because they were peace-loving Christians. That was their only offense. And they were unaware of any uprisings or anything that could possibly warrant such crimes, and were uttrly unprepared for such immediate & unrelenting onslaught. And the UN sits quiet. And the US sits quiet. And one mention is made on CNN, but that’s about the sum of it. No outcry for justice. No assistance for the helpless. Not one damn thing.

And I can’t help but think that if it were Christians attacking peace-loving Muslims, hell would be breaking lose until DC deployed troops to help protect the remaining Muslim villages. Why is that? Why has this administration done nothing for his family’s homeland. Isn’t his family a branch of the original church from Egypt? The homeland of every African-American? Why is the African-American Christian community not outraged? Where is Jesse Jackson? Elections are just a few years away, afterall. Why not swoop in & secure both the African-American & the white Christian voted in one swoop?

Because the land is of no value. And the people we would be protecting are valued at less than what we value our own American soldiers, and our Western ideals, like democracy & freedom, and Christianity. Why did the US abstain from involvement while the Nazis gathered and killed Jews? **There went your arguments that the US loves Jews & Christians, as the US hangs both religions ‘out-to-dry.’**

Why? “Not our circus, not our monkeys.” It’s very easy for a country to stand on laurels & principles when we have a stake in the game, like when Japan pulled us in by bombing Pearl Harbor, or when we were out for blood after 9/11. But here we sit as a religious persecution is underway. Another Holocaust, and sit is ALL we do. It is not advantageous for the corporations pulling legislative strings to become involved. So we wait. Until Christians are in fear of their lives, or are deliberately, and systematically eliminated.

For 200 years, we claimed to be a Christian country. We put God in our pledge, on our money, referenced Him in acceptance speeches, prayed to Him in our schools, & now the last one is outlawed, the third one is kinda vague, as to be politically correct, & the first two are under attack every other months. Again, what the fuck? Did some kid who claimed to be a Christian bully you in 2nd grade?  Can you get over it?

Why would a group of people believing complete nonsense, nothing more than superstition, bother a true minority of the country at large? Why are some atheists so worried about a god or religion they don’t even believe in? 

The pursuit of happiness. Is it interfering with happiness if a nativity scene is displayed in public? Or if the word Christmas is used? Let’s face it, if you don’t know why you’re buying presents, you’re an idiot. If you don’t know the official holiday’s name for when you get a day off, or your kids are out of school a few weeks – you are an utter failure. Everyone, all religions, know what Christmas is. And we all know it’s called Christmas. So denying Christians to pursue their happiness, is really only making you appear weak-minded & scared of something. What? What in hell are atheists so scared of? So we take down the 10 commandments in all government buildings. What are you doing? Crushing their morale? Do you really think that’s going to change anyone’s mind? Forcing Christians to convert, or be condemed by our government. Forcing society to look down on Christianity as archaic & naive for only the simple-minded dolts who refuse to accept your belief that there is no belief. Isn’t that kinda what terrorists do? They oppress a group they despise. How long before practicing Christianity is outlawed? How long after that before Christians are being killed in the US, without any guff from the UN?

It could never happen here. That is exactly what the Jewish popuation in Europe thought, too. Russia, Germany, France, Austria, Hungary, Switzerland . . . All believed it was impossible to happen there, too. Such a thing had never existed. Not on that scale. Not just genocide, a cleansing to eradicate all religion from society. Much like some people want in this country, Africa, and the Middle East. And those who fail to learn from mistakes of the past are damned to repeat them. And it appears we are heading down that road like a squirrel after a nut.

So, what is a christian, this vile human denied entitlement of the basic right to live? This dispicable evil that is out to save your soul (gasp – what an atrocious idea to consider another’s well being?). Well, the word Christian simply means one who follows Christ. In non-Christian-terms, someone who believes Jesus was the Messiah, & vowing to live their life based on what He taught over 2000 years ago. *atheists – are you seriously worried here? Dear God, they may actually love you.*

The biggest problem I find is that so many “Christians” have never actually read Jesus’ teachings. That becomes obvious to me as I see Christians judging, condemning, hating, & being intollerant to others, fellow christians included. Jesus #1 message was love. For all you Westboro Baptist Church members – “here’s your sign”. So many follow the interpretations of a person standing in a pullpit, over their individual ability to open a book & actually read what the man, Jesus, had to say 2000 years ago. It was important enough to write down & keep circulating 2 millennia, so you’d think it would rank up there on their to-do list to acually read it once or twice. Love doesn’t envy, or boast, does not hate or judge. Yeah. It doesn’t oppress, or force others to believe, either, in my opinion. It simply LOVES. That was kinda big. He spells out right there what non-Christians hate about Christians – we’re a bunch of hypocrites. But does that mean we should be denied the basic right to life? Well, some groups believe so. Should we be made to hide our traditions, forsaking what we hold dear, just because it makes someone else uncomfortable? Obviously. And I just think that’s messed up. 

And another damn thing! Mexico is holding one of our Marines (freetahmoorsi) for taking a wrong turn & having his military-issued weapon on him. We released 3 Mexican military personnel months ago for doing the same thing. What gives? I’m gonna have to call out Obama on this one. Dude needs to man up & tell those bitches “to release our serviceman or it will be seen as an act of war. We already took Texas. Bitches better give us our guy or God knows what we’ll be after next. Take a look at the Middle East, suckah.” Then hang up, like a boss.

Our borders being secured is simply a bad joke. 5200 children, unaccompanied minors, were able to cross. Months ago a Mexican military helicopter even flew into our airspace, and actually fired on border patrol agents as the sought to stop some illegals crossing into the US. Where the hell was the outrage there? Or was that part of Fast & Furious part II for this administration?

Don’t even get me started on Chris Stevens, or that whole mess in Benghazi. And NO retaliation. Nothing was done to show the world we will not cower to terrorists. Nope. We’re just gonna sit here, cover it up, & move on to the next attack on Liberty & Freedom. For much of the world, America is the beacon of hope. Yeah. Not so much. Fail. We just don’t care. Not like we do about ALS or the Kardashians.

And, for my final chapter of this volume’s installment of Epic Rants, taxing the rich/corporations. Yeah. Because they’re all stupid, have no tax attorneys, & no means to remedy a higher tax on them than the rest of us.  Secondly, it’s just not fair to penalize those who make more money. As much as I think it’s just gross how one person could rise to fortune on the backs of hard-working Americans to live a lavishly decadent lifestyle, if we buy into it, then he has earned the right to those spoils, whether or not he/she gives back is on them, not me, you, or government to force upon them.

Perhaps in non-capitalist nations, but not so much here (as I point to a map of the United States). Doing such only creates resentment & hatred between the classes. Case in point – the Oracle from Omaha took Burger King & moved headquarters to our Northern Neighbor (Canada). Yeah. Way to keep that money here – where we desperately need it. So, how is this plan going to benefit us, if other corporations follow suit? We’ll be bankrupt, starving, sick from Monsato’s GMOs, & Godless, without hope, or a single prayer. Prime targets for terror cells to emerge & wipe the Christian, Jewish, & yep, even the atheist scourge from their last foot-hold: America. She’s not looking so great. We’ve had some shit administrations, lazy bastages for representatives, and greedy corporations playing puppeteer.

What we have in DC is very truthfully, the fox guarding the hen house. We elect representatives to fight for us, and to protect us from the very sources, these corporations, that are giving them bribe money, under the guise of lobbyist campaigning, while in return, they are free to poison us with “safe for consumption” products that are banned in other countries for being toxic, or as a known carcinogen. You’re damn right I’m mad! I expect the food I eat, the water I drink, & the medince I take NOT to be killing me. Call me crazy, but I think my right to life kinda takes precedence over a bunch of slobs getting rich at our expense. Slobs I elected to put my & your best interest first! Food & Drugs are just one part of the problem. The main issue we have got to outlaw is lobbying. If not, we will have lost all hopes of this country & her people to be free of this political machine that has a strangle-hold on our very freedoms.

We. Are. Fucked. That’s all. As we approach this Labor Day holiday weekend, I have been thinking about 9/11. Whether or not it was a terrorist plot or a meticulously planned demolition carried out as some elaborate scheme to have a reason to start up a conflict in the Middle East, but for what I have to say, your inclination either way will work. I remember the 7-day no fly restriction, while agency think tanks figured what could be done to forever prevent this from happening again. How & where to crack down, and assess our vulnerabilities. How to, in essence, regain our blissful innocence. Other nations expressed sympathy. As a 27-year old, hearing on the radio a passenger plane hit a Twin Tower, and as I got out of my car, my boss yelling for me to come inside immediately, I was unaware how that day would unfold, or what it would mean for me always.

I remember him asking if I’d heard what had happened. I said yes, and something along the lines of ‘isn’t it just terrible’. As the guys working on the dock downstairs hurried in with a television from their break room, we waited to see if anything would be on our local news.

National news had overridden all local channels. I remember standing with our staff, men & women alike weeping aloud as we watched the first tower fall.
Regardless of religion, sexuality, or any of that HR bullshit. We formed a circle & held each other up, and we each began praying. Praying for our Nation. For New York. For peace. For a cease from attacks. For quiet. For sanity to be restored. No work was done that day. In stores, and on roadways, people were being considerate. A nation in shock & disbelief. And for a brief moment in our history, it didn’t matter your economic or social status, your race, ethnicity, gender, religion, or sexual orientation, and it didn’t matter if you were a 12-generation born native, or you arrived here a week earlier – for a brief moment in time, we were all Americans, we were all human. And we embraced one another as Americans, equally humbled by this event. We were all of one eternal spirit, & linked by our own humanity. And for the first time in our lifetime for many of us, our innocence had been stripped away forever. We were no longer immune to terrorists finding their way to hurt us; no longer a safe harbor from terror. It was no longer something on the news that happed some place over . . . There. The ugliness of hatred had been brought to our doorstep.

And for a while, we banded together to gain reassurance that we would make it through. An overall kindness among strangers. A complete outpouring of hope & survival.

We are forever changed, now. I remember George W. likening it to being sucker-punched & telling us all, that “we get back up”. And for many years pride and patriotism was something beautiful. Yet today, not even half a century later, it is scorned. That kinda makes me sad. But, that I got to see, first hand, all the goodwill that humanity is truly capable of, & just remembering that day, & the days that immediately followed, gives me hope that all is NOT lost. That people are inherently good. And we choose good, & to do good (people, not corporations).

This whole place may be fucked, but there’s a shitload of good people out there, & good in general. And so is your life, & mine. Despite whatever shitstorm you are in, whatever challenge that has landed on your door, dig deep, look indide yourself, & find it in you to persevere. To face your fears. But most of all – get your happy. Shit happens & life is short.

Peace, bitches. Sorry I’m late. It took 4 hours to write. And I fell asleep twice.

Oh yeah. Nails still hanging in there, even after habanero peppers & some lemons effectively ate away at my fingernail tips (the same combo melted acrylic nails a few years ago, just sayin’)

CAN YOU SAY ADHD????

Proof you are NOT alone!

http://www.gamesradar.com/does-gaming-sweep-mental-health-issues-under-rug/

And that more & more outcry for understanding, help, & acknowledgement is pushing it’s way forward, so nobody suffers in silence.

I say it all too often, but I’m saying it again: if you are struggling, if you can’t leave your home, get out of bed, or get a moment of happy, please get help! You are NOT alone. Go to a place of worship, a psychiatrist, call your doctor,  a hotline, or a friend, but do something. You deserve happy. You deserve to function. Period. You ARE worth it.

Get your happy!

Needing my Clonazapam!

So, today Boo started 3rd grade! A few hundred thoughts race through my ADHD brain & every 3 or 4 are fighting to steal my happy. Luckily, I have so many of you reaching out to me, and just letting me know you like my blog gives me the energy to push back & tell those worrisome thoughts to fuck off!

Yes, this will be a monumental year. In so many ways. Not just for Boo & Diva, but me working through the root of my OCD, & learning to conquer both my OCD & tame my ADHD.

STILL . . . I find myself in the batroom with a seriously disturbed tummy. Do you know the problem with getting up early? There are more hours in my day.  However, I will search out all the extra happy!

Diva & I are on schedule this morning, and our new routine is gonna rock! I’ve got 6 hours until I get to hear all about my little guy’s day. Instead of worrying, I will look forward, & focus on my tasks. I have my usual amout of too much to do to keep me busy in between working with Diva. 

It is a state of mind, this elusive “happy” that I’m always droning on about. Sometimes it does just hit you when weren’t expecting it. But you always have to be ready & receptive. If you want to catch butterflies, you have to find the balance between sitting still so they’ll come near with the right amout of chasing. The same is true with happy. And you just have to get your head right.

Today, I am going to calm down. I am going to clean up & run errands. Diva’s going to nap, & I’m going to take care of a few things. And then we are going to hear all about Boo’s day. It is going to be a great day. I believe that. And today, I am in control of my brain. Without my anxiety meds. But, if I keep running to the toilet, then I’ll use my Clonazapam to help me.

We ARE NOT alone! There are so many of us out there. We are not alone. We are not wierd or a friggin’ lunatic. We can be. We can just let our fears debilitate us & spiral into the 4th ring of hell. Or we can stop it. And sometimes, it is simply too much for us to do alone. Neurological disorders are something we didn’t ask for, but we can get through, using cognitive behavioral therapy, medication, & a positive attitude and we can. It doesn’t mean we are boring normal, it just puts us back in control of our crazy. And helps us find that happy.

I cannot stress it enough: if you are struggling with things like focus, intrusive thoughts or behaviors, or just getting out of bed, you are not alone – get professional help! Everyone deserves to get some happy! It doesn’t make you weak. It’s the most courageous thing you can do – to see there is a problem & face that (or those) demons down. It is something nobody else can do for you.

Get your happy today!

Peace, bitches.

Take your happy back!

I’ve read a lot of articles about how people behave differently to differnt people. Not just uptight professional at the office & wild party animal on the weekends. I mean that you behave one way to one friend, & completely different to another. We all do it. This doesn’t make us fake, it is adapting to each personality & situation as best we can. Or if we don’t, end up sitting at “the loaners'” table.

Some people are just who they are, unapologetically, & unphased, while others bend here & there to people please. I am a people-pleaser, by nature, & most often, my obsessive thoughts of “it will make me a bad person,” or “I just have to,” have really propelled that people-pleasing in my life.

Looking at patterns in my life, & routines, especially, my shrink asked me, blankly, & as if I were from another planet, “Why do I have to?”  I sat there for a minute, stunned. I had absolutely no answer.

“Will it cause harm?” she continued. And paused for her question to sink in.

(No.)

“Will having a messy living area cause physical harm? Will having a good time once in a while honestly result in physical harm to a third party from some cosmic force?”

So, with this new empowerment, I realize that I can say no when I want to. Even if it’s just because I feel like it. 

Their are certain social “norms”, like holding a door open when someone is right behind you, or having good manners, & being courteous, but you can, or shall I say, I do, take it to the extreme.

I judge myself harshly. We are always our own worse critic, but the OCD brain can’t shut it down. And the added benefits of ADHD really don’t help. So we clean, to the extreme. We wash our hand incessantly. We fall back onto our rituals. And when we are too far from our comfort zone, those intrusive thoughts become overwhelming, & wham! Panic attack, for me. Others fall into depression.

It sucks for us and those who care about us. So, for me, I am unburdening myself of the shit I simply don’t need. Guilt being one. I do the best I can. I always give my best. And that is going to have to be good enough, dammit. I’m unloading situations and people that are taxing. I am allowing myself to spend my time where I want, with whom I chose, doing whatever makes me feel good, without feeling guilt for not doing something else, or giving more, or being more.

Diva is taxing at times, but I am learning to appreciate her for who she is. Instead of fighting her & Boo, turning instead to just allowing them to be kids, and join their happy world more often.

For the friends I haven’t seen in months or even years, taking time to make time for them. I owe nobody an explanation or apology if they are not higher on my priority list. Even if you’re not about to be 40 in mere weeks, you don’t either!  Don’t rush to make someone else happy all the time. Stop, already, and get your own happy!

Take your happy back!!

The world will not reverse it’s polarity, and the moutains will not crumble, all because you actually put yourself first. I promise, if that happens, it will have just been by coincidence that you did something to get your own happy at the precise moment the earth had mounted it’s revolt against humanity.

Perspective is great. It’s even better when you have control over your ADHD/OCD brain to gain that perspective. Dump the toxicity in your life. You’ll feel so much better.  Today, I have about 8 more things that really need to be done, but if they don’t, ya know what? Fuck it! I tried. I did my best, & that IS good enough. If anyone takes issue, recognize that as not only an affront your character, but also their lack of compassion for your own peace of mind.

Peace & happy to you all, bitches!

Victory or Death

” . . . I shall never surrender or retreat. Victory or Death.” William Barret Travis.

Those are some damn bold words, if I do say so myself. Unwavering conviction. It is beautiful. It is inspiring.

I will enjoy my children. I keep thinking about yesterday morning, when both kids ran like banshees throught the apartment, shooting guns, then sword fighting while Hub was out. Something that normally makes me nuts, but I embraced it. And relished their wild laughter. The two of them playing together. It was great. I git about 5-minutes worth.

Good news, I’ll get to enjoy my growling V-8 engine for a few more months. You can bet your ass I’m gonna take delight in every last drive I make before trading it in later this year. And will pray it won’t need towing in the meantime.

Most likely I will opt for the 2015 Traverse XTL with all the options, but it’ll be something we can keep, hopefully, for the next 8 years or so. At which point Boo will be driving, Hub will have his Vette, & Mommy can get her Jag/Maseratti sports car for hauling Diva around. Hell, we can even keep it longer, if it’s still driving, as a family vehicle, if really needed. I have a plan. Victory or Death, right? And in the meantime, we’ll keep fighting to get our happy until, like a butterfly, it lands on our noses.

Happy is very much like a butterfly. Easier to find in the sunny, warm months, and even then, can just flitter all around you, & stays just out of reach. But, if you are just still, & patient, like happy, a butterfly will rest on you. And if you wait, you’ll find yourself amidst a whole colony, & all you can see are flapping wings in your face.

Sometimes, life is so much like a butterfly. Boo & I discussed this just last week. You got a larva stage, then the caterpillar stage, then cocoon to go through before you can become a butterfly, or in this instance catch one, but it is soooo worth it. Don’t settle for a moth. Don’t convince yourself you are happy with a moth; all they do is ruin your favorite blouse. Chase after that happy. Be happy. You deserve it. It’s what we were made for. If not, then why do people who can’t get it commit suicide? Because they know the simple truth: We were made for happy.

Hell, the American Constitution even goes so far as to protect it’s pursuit as an inalienable right. My very government accepts what I’m saying as truth . . . Not that I hold great respect for the political machine it has become, but I hold our founding fathers in great esteem. They had vision. My very ancestors had this vision. Victory or Death. Liberty or Death. Get your happy. Be it accepting what you just can’t control, or going balls out to make a change happen.

Make a goal. Get a plan. Write that shit down. And follow through! Get happy. Be happy. And for the love of all things holy, PLEASE spread that shit around!

Peace, bitches.

And we’re off & running!

I feel like Forest Gump most days. I am running. Hubs & kids in tow thos morning, and we head to the pediatrician. I called it. Diva has impetigo. But a rare form, so oral AND cream antibiotics are needed. Poor Diva cries so genuinely sad if anything touches her nose. Breaks my heart for her.

Then Scout Shop to grab a few things, then Barnes & Noble . . . And there just happened to be a Cain’s Chicken right across the street, & it was lunchtime.

While there, we decided to just test drive a Traverse, just to get a feel for how they handle, before grabbing a few things & Diva’s meficine.

Traverse: Overall, I really liked it, & tonight I have been doing homework about it . . . Since we are planning on running back by tomorrow to let them crunch some numbers for us. Hub elected me the chief negotiator. Actually, not a bad idea. I know what I want, & I have test driven many other cars that we are considering/have considered in the recent past, & I am bullshit intollerant (side-effect of having ADHD). PLUS, I am in no rush. If it doesn’t happen, I can get a different one, or completely different vehicle. Really, not much to lose. Plus, they wanna play hardball? Well, I’ll see your “let me get my manager” and raise you an “I have to get my husband to come in, & he’s really busy for the next few days, maybe I need to go back & drive the newer XFs again before we make our final decision – I will miss that throaty growl & excellent stopping power. But we’ll let you know by later this weekend.” Then walk out like a boss.

I was too busy for dinner tonight. Dropped Boo with Ex, came back, switched cars & headed for our Adult Pack meeting. 5 parents stayed, 1 came & left swiftly, & one veteran came in late. It was successful for the most part. 6:15-9, but got a lot done & feeling better about the coming school year.

Busy day tomorrow. Something tells me I’ll be keeping my Jag just a bit longer, but hey, no biggie.

I like the Traverse more than the Evoke, Odyssey, the Lincoln & Cadillac mini SUVs, & the dreaded Caravan. Mid-sized SUV or full-sized car for me.

Now, to start looking at cars . . .  Who am I kidding? If I’m driving a car, it’s gonna be a damn Jag & I’ll curse it everytime it’s in the shop (which will be monthly). For every other vehicle, a car/truck is just a mode of transportation, but for Jaguar owners, it is truly an experience.  But THIS Jaguar owner has become bored with it’s high-maintenance bullshit. I swear, these cars need zanex – they are never happy. If it was a man, I’d have written it off as a toxic relationship by now.

Sorry, I rant & rave, and piss & moan about those burdensome beasts, but like an addict’s sickness, I can’t help but love them & crave them & the power they bestow.  I will not miss comments like the one I got today, “Who would be pulling up to the Scout Shop in a Jag? Must be someone from our Willow Bend Pack.”  Or my favorite, “You’re driving a Jag to our campout?”

I’m not that person. We really aren’t. I may be a little high maintenance, sure. I may be a stay-at-home, but I am very grounded, too. I love a good deal. I love feeling safe in a vehicle. Hell, I even shop at Wal-Mart, & we are budget conscious & live within our means. But we are well-informed consumers, & when we make a purchase, it is only after serious consideration. Hell, I am needing a new steamer, but want to make sure I get the right one this time. No need to waste money.

Diva & Hub are sleeping soundly, even after I came home & woke Diva up to change her diaper & apply more ointment. She’s a tough one. Falls off a slide, no problem, tumbles down the stairs, no biggie. Runs into a door, trips over a chair & gives herself a black eye, & she just keeps going, wondering why I’m flipping out. But her tears from the pain & agony of this damn impetigo? Well that breaks my heart.

This is the first time she’s ever been in so much pain that she cries more than a whole minute before demanding to be let go of. Instead, she curls up & wants to be cuddled. Yes. Diva. Actually LETTING me hold her. In fact, desiring me to cuddle & comfort her. So I know this must REALLY hurt.

So, inspite of the busy day, it was a good day. We accomplished much, & I got to go shopping alone with Boo for a few minutes. It was all good.

Gey your happy everyday.

Peace, bitches. I get to cuddle with Diva!!

My favorite picture

image

This may be one of my favorite pics. It was actually part of a larger one where I was trying to catch the elusive Diva in her wilderness habitat, along with Boo & Hub. In looking through my snapshots on my phone, this caught my eye, and I had to zoom in. Just his expression to me alone, about my futile attempts to get a nice photo of all three, in 100° heat on the Riverwalk.

So many times in life, we all get caught up in the “big picture”, we lose sight of those tiny instances where we can find happy, change course, or be a difference in someone’s life. This photo brought me into focus. Or in a crowded place, with a lot of chatter, & you hear a familiar voice out of all of the noise, you are still able to pick that one out, even from 10 yards away, above all kinds of noise – that’s the one your ears hone in on.

As I struggle to simply survive Diva & her toddlerhood, I am missing out on all the greatness. Sometimes I am so overwhelmed by my to-do list and touching base with everyone who needs/wants me, I take her & this whole experience for granted. Which is why I have decided to minimize my friendly chats, optimize my family time, & slate more time with extended family over relaxing & catching up with friends. (And trading in my high-maintenence luxury sedans for ones that won’t be in the shop every month, sucking my time & energy). My friends understand. They were there before the kids & family, & they’ll be there after the kids are in college. And a few times a year, I will make time for them.

In leu of a job, I am heading my son’s Cub Scout Pack, which not only gains me time with my son, but also access into a life that I am daily being phased out of due to hormones that I have no personal knowledge of how to manouver, so I’ll have to depend on Hubs & rely on my ex to help guide him when I “just can’t.” And that breaks my heart a little each day just thinking about. It is coming, & just as there was no way to prepare myself for motherhood, there is no way to prepare myself for him to be a teenager. But I will hold him tight, for ad long as he allows it, & love him through it all.

The most heart-warming moment on our vacation, however, was caught by Hub, as Diva ran from one end of the open dining hall to the other, dress and hair flowing behind her, as she crashed into her brother’s arms.  In that one snapshot, it told the story of two mischievous children playing, unapologetically, and enjoying childhood to it’s fullest, and also of a little girl trusting not only that her big brother would be there to catch her, but catch her before Mommy got a hold of her.

This vacation was a sacred time. Of simple and cherished moments between us alone. And times I hope we don’t forget. I may share photos with friends & family, but only each of us know the full story behind it all. How we got there. Not just on vacation, but struggling to find our place in this family. And what we were thinking at the precise moment the shutter closed. Just everything that we are as a (blended) family. The crazy dynamics that make us uniquely “us.” And nobody gets that access, nobody steps beyond those velvet ropes but us. And that is what having a family is. Every silly, stressful, happy, argumentative, moment of family vacation.

Oh, and my phone charger was the first thing packed, so I threw it in and forgot. Nothing was left behind!! Super Mommy has prevailed, chalk-up a win for OCD!

It’s good to be home. The best part, though, is our bed! The glorious new iComfort ultra plush! 

Tomorrow, Diva has an appointment with the pediatrician, I have to run by the Scout Shop, Hub has some big meetings about his ap design with the company president who has flown-in, Boo has jiujitsu, & I have a parent meeting tomorrow night I’ll have to prep for. School starts in less than a week. You can bet your sweet ass I’m gonna squeeze all the happy out of these last few days like the last few squirts from a tube of toothpaste.

Get your happy!

Peace, bitches!

Heading home

So, this morning I woke up with my phone in hand & in mid-sentence of writing my blog for last night. Can you say exhaustion? My two little “angels” faught sleep as if they were battling Lucifer himself.  I finally had enough & it was around 10:15 when I put an end to glow bracelets, electronics, & any light source. They were both out by 10:30!

For the first time in the history of our life, Hub woke US up this morning with a swift flick of a light switch. Seriously. Shocked. With only half an hour left to grab the free breakfast, we hustled to get changed & down to the 2nd floor. Made it. Kids & I had a nice breakfast before heading back up to pack, but not before one last trip to the Riverwalk below.

It was a frigging circus in that damn room. Those three were jacking around, playing loudly, & throwing balls, while talking to me.

Now, this may mean nothing to you. It may just sound like a typical day – a happy family playing together in a hotel room for the last time on this vacation.

For someone with OCD, this means disruption to a sacred ritual. And that means imminent doom. Anarchy & chaos. Nothing good can come of this. Nothing. Loud noise filled my ADHD brain as I struggled harder & harder to focus on packing, rather than binding & gagging my family while I handled this. I tried to accept their “help”. Which only made things in my mind, more chaotic, as they handed me things out of my ritualistic order of things. Or inquired about others.

A little over an hour after leaving the hotel, and the only thing we left was my phone charger. I do not recall getting it from the wall. I do, however, remember being interrupted when asking about all of our chargers as to whether or not I’d remembered to get this or do that . . .

If everyone leaves me alone, and I can have a quiet work area, I will not forget anything. No. Not one, single, miniscule item. I even get on my hands & knees checking every square millimeter of our space before leaving. This morning, however, with everyone’s “help”, I did no such check. And the last 15 or so minutes, I was just tossing shit here & there & just hoping to make it to the car before I had a heart attack, or someone had to call 911.

This has been a tremendous 1st official family vacation. It was great!! I got to stay on the Riverwalk, Boo got to go to The Alamo, & both Boo & Hub got to see Guardians of the Galaxy in Imax 3D.

Poor Diva got more than she bargained for, though. She had a cut on her thumb Thursday, before we left. I cleaned it, & put a Hello Kitty band aid on it. She also had a small scratch on the corner of her mouth. No biggie. It looked kinda bad when we left, but figured we could get some blistex & it would be ok. Looked like a cold sore, honestly.  By Saturday (the next) morning it was the size of a dime & her nose seemed really snotty.  By Saturday night, her nose was crusty. Sunday, the nose was red, swollen & crusty & her mouth & thumb looked like they both may be infected.

I called her pediatrician before packing up this morning, & made an appointment for tomorrow morning. Plus, our doctor is calling in an ointment to keep me from complete panic. Poor baby. It doesn’t seem to bother her much, though. We stopped in Georgetown for lunch. Quaint downtown, I must say, & everyone is friendly & nice.

Now, to get home. Oh yeah, kids are both soaked from playing in the town’s water park. Uuugh. OCD really snatches my ability for happy when I’m hyper-focused on getting home safe & germ-free. Hub helps with that. How I wish I could’ve just enjoyed those few minutes of the kids playing, instead of mentally thinking of how to keep them dry, or how to get to their clean, dry clothes. I’m glad that sometimes Hub really takes over in the fun department, for their sakes.

I have got to stop living in the “what if’s,” & how to be prepared, & instead just realize, I will figure it out. I can’t prevent everything, I can just create a boring time.

Get your happy. Less than a week from now school will be underway, & our old routine started up. And we’ll be one school year closer to packing him up for university. In that perspective, everything else seems trivial. We’ll get there. And we are all 4 going to snag that happy! Come hell or high water.

Peace, bitches.

Staying in San Antonio

Ok. So here’s my take on Drury Plaza Riverwalk in San Antonio.

Clean rooms. Direct access to the Riverwalk & free drinks. Free WIFI. Free breakfast, too. Hell, free dinner! Seriously?

My stipulations for a hotel – on the Riverwalk & free drinks. Win! Free food is a bonus, right?

Well, the dinner “appetizers” are really a full meal. Pasta with meatballs, salad, baked potatoes . . . And as much soft drinks as possible. So that’s actually really cool. They even have high chairs for Diva. However, only 3 free alcoholic beverages, which was fine for me & Hub only had 2 beers.  Tonight’s “snack” is chili dogs. Kinda stoked about that. Breakfast was really good – scrambled eggs, roasted potatoes, biscuits & gravy & pancakes. Seriously can’t complain.  The coffee, however, reminded me of that from a truckstop, not so much Starbucks quality. Still. Included in the price of the room, which was very moderate, I can’t bitch too much. Again, this is a tremendous value & utterly family friendly hotel & town. Several times today young men in uniform (obviously on leave for the weekend) opened doors & offered to assist me with a stroller & maneuvering stairs. More than one person offered to help with the stroller today, as well.

Now, regarding the room: I applaud Drury for opting to not only save money, but reduce plastic bottle waste by mounting shampoo, conditioner, & body wash on the wall of the shower. Nice smell & decent quality.  However, I was very glad I threw in our listerine, as they had no mouthwash in the form of guest gimmies. Just some body balm/lotion.

Also lacking was a vent for the bathroom. So the mirror fogs when you take a shower, & the stink lingers if someone poops. That, I thought was strange. It’s not an all-in-one, it just doesn’t have one.

The other down-side is all of the other tourists staying in the hotel. If you wait your turn & stand a reasonable distance from the person ahead of you out of courtesy, you will notice someone, often several someones, nudging you to push their way to the front. This struck me as odd. Is this their last meal? Have they never basked in the glow of a fountain machine before? Perhaps they are unfamiliar with the term free, so they are bum rushing others in line so as to evade reprimand from authorities.

A similar occurance is prevalent while getting onto the only three working elevators. Upon checking in, we noticed a line of others with bags, some without, standing at the bank of elevators.  As soon as one set of doors opened, common courtesy for the unspoken honor system of “next in line” was thrown out the window, and those from the rear rushed forward with recless abandon in their race to their floor of choice, as if God Himself were waiting on them, & completely disregarded those respectfully obeying the commonly known laws of civilized society.

I encountered this more at the Mall today. People pushed & shoved to get into the food court area, as if it would disappear, along with all possible food sources.  Perhaps these people are refugees from another land, where you must be first, or you will not have food? Perhaps. Or perhaps this is just what society is becoming: ruthless, classless bottom-feeders.

Speaking of possible end-of-the-world scenarios, upon returning from our sweat bath, I inquired at the front desk as to where the bar was, or if I just had to order a soda from room service, only to be told there was no room service.

The horrified look on my face. Utter. Horror. As if I’d just witnessed Norman Bates running with a knife through the damn lobby.

“Excuse me, what?” I said with a chuckle. Obviously I misunderstood.

“We have free drinks at breakfast & at 5 . . .”

“No, wait,” I interrupted, “uuhm, how can I get a soda in between?”  I had suddenly moved into a visible panic &  had a feeling that I was somewhere I didn’t belong, like when you make a left turn onto a one-way street. Or walk into a private club, thinking it was a public restaurant. Panic. Panic was setting in. I don’t belong here. Something has gone horribly wrong. And I read reviews & picked this place. Oh, my sweat began sweating.

“There is a sundry shop over there.” Diva & I almost knocked a maintenance man off his ladder to get to that refrigerated door of goodness. Dr. Pepper in hand, I reached for my wallet just as Diva bolted across this once completely grand lobby. “Just charge to my room!”  I heard her yell “yes ma’am” as I ran after Diva.

So, they can do that. The staff here is really nice. Other guests, however, are not.

What has society become? This just makes me sad for my children. Strangers exchanging niceties out of courtesy is something they will never experience. Oh, the humanity. Indeed!

Perhaps I have lived a very sheltered life. Perhaps I am just old school. Because I’m not talking about kids, here, I’m talking about the parents. My age, approximately, & were either never taught manners, or feel they are out-dated. No. Rudeness will never be in style. I guess this growing rudeness is what causes highways to be shut down due to some crazed lunatic going all road rage. Nice people have had it with rudeness. Perhaps that is the reason for so many shootings. Guns don’t kill people – crazies pissed at rude people kill rude people. Ehh. Enough of my rant.

Athough I do not condone rudeness, or the invasion of my personal space, murder is completely, and unabashedly wrong, & against my religion, & every one of my personal beliefs. Now, I can wish clamidia on someone, but that’s about as far as I go.

Bout to go get my grub & drink on. Damn the rude people. Then we’re going swimming on the roof. Ahh. It was a good day. Get your happy!

Peace, bitches.

Over it.

I’m over it! What does that mean to you? Done? I’m over parenthood. I’m over being a grown-up. I’m over my allergies. I’m over the post-nasal drip. I’m over having arthritis. I’m really over doing all the family chores. I am over being needed for everything from everyone. I’m over being so damn exhausted that I fall asleep before 9PM with my phone in hand because I still have things left to do. Really over the trail of destruction Diva leaves. Over rude, inconsiderate people. Over self-obsesssed parents. Have I mentioned how many parents & leaders have quit scouts in the last few weeks?

Maybe over it is short for overwhelmed by it. I got a call yesterday from a recruiting agent. Two separate executive assistant jobs in Dallas that I would be perfect for.

Dear God!! Could you imagine doing all of this AND having a real job?? Plus the drive to & from downtown everyday? I would be completely exhausted & frustrated, then come home, after Hubs had picked up the kids, & will have had them for half an hour or more, on his own, and he will have to get Boo to Jiujitsu twice a week . . . Could you imagine what I would walk into each and every night? Then deal with Cub Scouts, too?

Yeah. As soon as Diva STOPS doing the opposite of everything we say, maybe. Most likely AFTER she starts school (and that countdown has begun). The living room is a disaster area, & I just cleaned it last night. The dishes pile up bad enough as it is. Hub “doesn’t do” the oven, so it would be take out every night if I had a job. No time to shop, cook, clean AND be wife & mother. Everything I love, everyone I love, taking a back seat until the two-weeks once per year we take a vacation, and the few legal holidays I am off work, AND Boo is NOT with his dad. I have done this before. It ended in divorce. Partly because my ex was a douche, & partly because after I got home every night, I crashed. We ate, I bathed Boo, & he & I went to sleep while my ex chatted online with his coworker, now wife. Next day, repeat. I could NOT do this with TWO children. It truly breaks my heart to think of the neglect everyone would feel.

Other couples do this. They manage just fine. But other couples don’t have one with ADHD & OCD. Other women don’t riddle themselves with guilt, imaginary or real. I never was able to find that balance between work & family. Just thinking about it totally stresses me out, my heart is racing, and I’m over it. I worked, then came home and spent every last ounce of myself pouring my emotions & soul into a tiny tot before passing out from exhaustion before taking him to daycare the next morning. Weekends were simply a blur of errands, cleaning, & napping. Married & divorced.

I may be overwhelmed here at home, but adding a job to it, would just create a new dimension of hell for me, Hub, & the kids. And we don’t need it.

I do, however, believe I can eliminate some drama from my life. Cutting out daily conversations with friends not related to me is first.

I am over owning high-maintenance vehicles! I love my Jaguars. LOVE. Absolutely love them. However, it seems I have one of them in the shop at least once a month. I really don’t need it. I adore the power, both in excelleration & braking. The sweet abundance of safety features. The luxurious ride. And the absolute sexy throaty growl of the engine’s purr. And when we can go a few months between another trip to Park Place, the anxiety of Bob’s call, butt-tightening to brace for the impact of whether or not it is covered, or the ridiculous cost we’re about to have to shell-out, I truly live the decadence of owning two Jaguars. $3k for tires? $2k for brakes? $1,500 here & there. What is it going to be this time? Or the next time? That, I do NOT love. Being anxious to the point of not wanting to take a long trip for fear of an inevitable break-down? Ridiculous. Serious. Fear. It is going to break down every 1000 miles, it seems, or something stops working, or malfunctions. And my ass is back at Jag. It is seriously about every 1000 miles, give or take. Something. Always something.

I hate GM for that bailout crap!!  The one my grandchildren will be paying for. I despise what GM top executives have done to Detroit because they paid themselves ungodly annual salaries, while workers who put blood, sweat, & tears into pursuing their American dream were laid off without much consideration. Sickening. Disgusting. I’m not all about labor unions, in fact, I am completely against them, but I am more against fat cats living extravagant lifestyles at the expense of the working poor. They are no better than the politicians they feed to keep our political machine running counterproductive to the American people.

But Hub makes the money, & he hates Ford. So . . . GM/Chevy it is. Marriage is all about compromise, sacrifice, & picking your battles.

Shit. I should’ve set an alarm to write this last night. My day is slipping through my fingers as I type & play with kids, while trying to finish laundry & dishes before packing up, and then heading out to my Cub Scout District Leadership meeting this evening.  Yup. I multitask. Write, make toast, cut up oranges, switching out wet & dry clean clothes, emptied dishwasher, singing & dancing with Diva, & chatting with Boo simultaneously. Oh. Gotta freeze bananas for treats! Mother-in-law gave me that idea. She’s pretty stellar. She’s been around a while. And has been a housewife & mother of 4 during 1960’s & 1970’s. So, she definitely knows her shit!

So I’m gonna chug what remains of my iced coffee, & snag some fucking happy amidst this insane-busy day that lays ahead. Yes. I hate the stupid Lay, Lie, Lies, & Laid word rules. I’m from Texas. Ain’t nobody got time for that! So just go with it. You know what I mean. Hell, I’m doing good if I proofread my fat-fingering before I hit publish. Get your happy & fuck the details. Toss hate in the garbage, along with worry. Be a friend when you can, but mainly, find happy. Be happy. And spread happy.

Peace, bitches.

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