Take your happy back!

I’ve read a lot of articles about how people behave differently to differnt people. Not just uptight professional at the office & wild party animal on the weekends. I mean that you behave one way to one friend, & completely different to another. We all do it. This doesn’t make us fake, it is adapting to each personality & situation as best we can. Or if we don’t, end up sitting at “the loaners'” table.

Some people are just who they are, unapologetically, & unphased, while others bend here & there to people please. I am a people-pleaser, by nature, & most often, my obsessive thoughts of “it will make me a bad person,” or “I just have to,” have really propelled that people-pleasing in my life.

Looking at patterns in my life, & routines, especially, my shrink asked me, blankly, & as if I were from another planet, “Why do I have to?”  I sat there for a minute, stunned. I had absolutely no answer.

“Will it cause harm?” she continued. And paused for her question to sink in.

(No.)

“Will having a messy living area cause physical harm? Will having a good time once in a while honestly result in physical harm to a third party from some cosmic force?”

So, with this new empowerment, I realize that I can say no when I want to. Even if it’s just because I feel like it. 

Their are certain social “norms”, like holding a door open when someone is right behind you, or having good manners, & being courteous, but you can, or shall I say, I do, take it to the extreme.

I judge myself harshly. We are always our own worse critic, but the OCD brain can’t shut it down. And the added benefits of ADHD really don’t help. So we clean, to the extreme. We wash our hand incessantly. We fall back onto our rituals. And when we are too far from our comfort zone, those intrusive thoughts become overwhelming, & wham! Panic attack, for me. Others fall into depression.

It sucks for us and those who care about us. So, for me, I am unburdening myself of the shit I simply don’t need. Guilt being one. I do the best I can. I always give my best. And that is going to have to be good enough, dammit. I’m unloading situations and people that are taxing. I am allowing myself to spend my time where I want, with whom I chose, doing whatever makes me feel good, without feeling guilt for not doing something else, or giving more, or being more.

Diva is taxing at times, but I am learning to appreciate her for who she is. Instead of fighting her & Boo, turning instead to just allowing them to be kids, and join their happy world more often.

For the friends I haven’t seen in months or even years, taking time to make time for them. I owe nobody an explanation or apology if they are not higher on my priority list. Even if you’re not about to be 40 in mere weeks, you don’t either!  Don’t rush to make someone else happy all the time. Stop, already, and get your own happy!

Take your happy back!!

The world will not reverse it’s polarity, and the moutains will not crumble, all because you actually put yourself first. I promise, if that happens, it will have just been by coincidence that you did something to get your own happy at the precise moment the earth had mounted it’s revolt against humanity.

Perspective is great. It’s even better when you have control over your ADHD/OCD brain to gain that perspective. Dump the toxicity in your life. You’ll feel so much better.  Today, I have about 8 more things that really need to be done, but if they don’t, ya know what? Fuck it! I tried. I did my best, & that IS good enough. If anyone takes issue, recognize that as not only an affront your character, but also their lack of compassion for your own peace of mind.

Peace & happy to you all, bitches!

Victory or Death

” . . . I shall never surrender or retreat. Victory or Death.” William Barret Travis.

Those are some damn bold words, if I do say so myself. Unwavering conviction. It is beautiful. It is inspiring.

I will enjoy my children. I keep thinking about yesterday morning, when both kids ran like banshees throught the apartment, shooting guns, then sword fighting while Hub was out. Something that normally makes me nuts, but I embraced it. And relished their wild laughter. The two of them playing together. It was great. I git about 5-minutes worth.

Good news, I’ll get to enjoy my growling V-8 engine for a few more months. You can bet your ass I’m gonna take delight in every last drive I make before trading it in later this year. And will pray it won’t need towing in the meantime.

Most likely I will opt for the 2015 Traverse XTL with all the options, but it’ll be something we can keep, hopefully, for the next 8 years or so. At which point Boo will be driving, Hub will have his Vette, & Mommy can get her Jag/Maseratti sports car for hauling Diva around. Hell, we can even keep it longer, if it’s still driving, as a family vehicle, if really needed. I have a plan. Victory or Death, right? And in the meantime, we’ll keep fighting to get our happy until, like a butterfly, it lands on our noses.

Happy is very much like a butterfly. Easier to find in the sunny, warm months, and even then, can just flitter all around you, & stays just out of reach. But, if you are just still, & patient, like happy, a butterfly will rest on you. And if you wait, you’ll find yourself amidst a whole colony, & all you can see are flapping wings in your face.

Sometimes, life is so much like a butterfly. Boo & I discussed this just last week. You got a larva stage, then the caterpillar stage, then cocoon to go through before you can become a butterfly, or in this instance catch one, but it is soooo worth it. Don’t settle for a moth. Don’t convince yourself you are happy with a moth; all they do is ruin your favorite blouse. Chase after that happy. Be happy. You deserve it. It’s what we were made for. If not, then why do people who can’t get it commit suicide? Because they know the simple truth: We were made for happy.

Hell, the American Constitution even goes so far as to protect it’s pursuit as an inalienable right. My very government accepts what I’m saying as truth . . . Not that I hold great respect for the political machine it has become, but I hold our founding fathers in great esteem. They had vision. My very ancestors had this vision. Victory or Death. Liberty or Death. Get your happy. Be it accepting what you just can’t control, or going balls out to make a change happen.

Make a goal. Get a plan. Write that shit down. And follow through! Get happy. Be happy. And for the love of all things holy, PLEASE spread that shit around!

Peace, bitches.

And we’re off & running!

I feel like Forest Gump most days. I am running. Hubs & kids in tow thos morning, and we head to the pediatrician. I called it. Diva has impetigo. But a rare form, so oral AND cream antibiotics are needed. Poor Diva cries so genuinely sad if anything touches her nose. Breaks my heart for her.

Then Scout Shop to grab a few things, then Barnes & Noble . . . And there just happened to be a Cain’s Chicken right across the street, & it was lunchtime.

While there, we decided to just test drive a Traverse, just to get a feel for how they handle, before grabbing a few things & Diva’s meficine.

Traverse: Overall, I really liked it, & tonight I have been doing homework about it . . . Since we are planning on running back by tomorrow to let them crunch some numbers for us. Hub elected me the chief negotiator. Actually, not a bad idea. I know what I want, & I have test driven many other cars that we are considering/have considered in the recent past, & I am bullshit intollerant (side-effect of having ADHD). PLUS, I am in no rush. If it doesn’t happen, I can get a different one, or completely different vehicle. Really, not much to lose. Plus, they wanna play hardball? Well, I’ll see your “let me get my manager” and raise you an “I have to get my husband to come in, & he’s really busy for the next few days, maybe I need to go back & drive the newer XFs again before we make our final decision – I will miss that throaty growl & excellent stopping power. But we’ll let you know by later this weekend.” Then walk out like a boss.

I was too busy for dinner tonight. Dropped Boo with Ex, came back, switched cars & headed for our Adult Pack meeting. 5 parents stayed, 1 came & left swiftly, & one veteran came in late. It was successful for the most part. 6:15-9, but got a lot done & feeling better about the coming school year.

Busy day tomorrow. Something tells me I’ll be keeping my Jag just a bit longer, but hey, no biggie.

I like the Traverse more than the Evoke, Odyssey, the Lincoln & Cadillac mini SUVs, & the dreaded Caravan. Mid-sized SUV or full-sized car for me.

Now, to start looking at cars . . .  Who am I kidding? If I’m driving a car, it’s gonna be a damn Jag & I’ll curse it everytime it’s in the shop (which will be monthly). For every other vehicle, a car/truck is just a mode of transportation, but for Jaguar owners, it is truly an experience.  But THIS Jaguar owner has become bored with it’s high-maintenance bullshit. I swear, these cars need zanex – they are never happy. If it was a man, I’d have written it off as a toxic relationship by now.

Sorry, I rant & rave, and piss & moan about those burdensome beasts, but like an addict’s sickness, I can’t help but love them & crave them & the power they bestow.  I will not miss comments like the one I got today, “Who would be pulling up to the Scout Shop in a Jag? Must be someone from our Willow Bend Pack.”  Or my favorite, “You’re driving a Jag to our campout?”

I’m not that person. We really aren’t. I may be a little high maintenance, sure. I may be a stay-at-home, but I am very grounded, too. I love a good deal. I love feeling safe in a vehicle. Hell, I even shop at Wal-Mart, & we are budget conscious & live within our means. But we are well-informed consumers, & when we make a purchase, it is only after serious consideration. Hell, I am needing a new steamer, but want to make sure I get the right one this time. No need to waste money.

Diva & Hub are sleeping soundly, even after I came home & woke Diva up to change her diaper & apply more ointment. She’s a tough one. Falls off a slide, no problem, tumbles down the stairs, no biggie. Runs into a door, trips over a chair & gives herself a black eye, & she just keeps going, wondering why I’m flipping out. But her tears from the pain & agony of this damn impetigo? Well that breaks my heart.

This is the first time she’s ever been in so much pain that she cries more than a whole minute before demanding to be let go of. Instead, she curls up & wants to be cuddled. Yes. Diva. Actually LETTING me hold her. In fact, desiring me to cuddle & comfort her. So I know this must REALLY hurt.

So, inspite of the busy day, it was a good day. We accomplished much, & I got to go shopping alone with Boo for a few minutes. It was all good.

Gey your happy everyday.

Peace, bitches. I get to cuddle with Diva!!

My favorite picture

image

This may be one of my favorite pics. It was actually part of a larger one where I was trying to catch the elusive Diva in her wilderness habitat, along with Boo & Hub. In looking through my snapshots on my phone, this caught my eye, and I had to zoom in. Just his expression to me alone, about my futile attempts to get a nice photo of all three, in 100° heat on the Riverwalk.

So many times in life, we all get caught up in the “big picture”, we lose sight of those tiny instances where we can find happy, change course, or be a difference in someone’s life. This photo brought me into focus. Or in a crowded place, with a lot of chatter, & you hear a familiar voice out of all of the noise, you are still able to pick that one out, even from 10 yards away, above all kinds of noise – that’s the one your ears hone in on.

As I struggle to simply survive Diva & her toddlerhood, I am missing out on all the greatness. Sometimes I am so overwhelmed by my to-do list and touching base with everyone who needs/wants me, I take her & this whole experience for granted. Which is why I have decided to minimize my friendly chats, optimize my family time, & slate more time with extended family over relaxing & catching up with friends. (And trading in my high-maintenence luxury sedans for ones that won’t be in the shop every month, sucking my time & energy). My friends understand. They were there before the kids & family, & they’ll be there after the kids are in college. And a few times a year, I will make time for them.

In leu of a job, I am heading my son’s Cub Scout Pack, which not only gains me time with my son, but also access into a life that I am daily being phased out of due to hormones that I have no personal knowledge of how to manouver, so I’ll have to depend on Hubs & rely on my ex to help guide him when I “just can’t.” And that breaks my heart a little each day just thinking about. It is coming, & just as there was no way to prepare myself for motherhood, there is no way to prepare myself for him to be a teenager. But I will hold him tight, for ad long as he allows it, & love him through it all.

The most heart-warming moment on our vacation, however, was caught by Hub, as Diva ran from one end of the open dining hall to the other, dress and hair flowing behind her, as she crashed into her brother’s arms.  In that one snapshot, it told the story of two mischievous children playing, unapologetically, and enjoying childhood to it’s fullest, and also of a little girl trusting not only that her big brother would be there to catch her, but catch her before Mommy got a hold of her.

This vacation was a sacred time. Of simple and cherished moments between us alone. And times I hope we don’t forget. I may share photos with friends & family, but only each of us know the full story behind it all. How we got there. Not just on vacation, but struggling to find our place in this family. And what we were thinking at the precise moment the shutter closed. Just everything that we are as a (blended) family. The crazy dynamics that make us uniquely “us.” And nobody gets that access, nobody steps beyond those velvet ropes but us. And that is what having a family is. Every silly, stressful, happy, argumentative, moment of family vacation.

Oh, and my phone charger was the first thing packed, so I threw it in and forgot. Nothing was left behind!! Super Mommy has prevailed, chalk-up a win for OCD!

It’s good to be home. The best part, though, is our bed! The glorious new iComfort ultra plush! 

Tomorrow, Diva has an appointment with the pediatrician, I have to run by the Scout Shop, Hub has some big meetings about his ap design with the company president who has flown-in, Boo has jiujitsu, & I have a parent meeting tomorrow night I’ll have to prep for. School starts in less than a week. You can bet your sweet ass I’m gonna squeeze all the happy out of these last few days like the last few squirts from a tube of toothpaste.

Get your happy!

Peace, bitches!

Heading home

So, this morning I woke up with my phone in hand & in mid-sentence of writing my blog for last night. Can you say exhaustion? My two little “angels” faught sleep as if they were battling Lucifer himself.  I finally had enough & it was around 10:15 when I put an end to glow bracelets, electronics, & any light source. They were both out by 10:30!

For the first time in the history of our life, Hub woke US up this morning with a swift flick of a light switch. Seriously. Shocked. With only half an hour left to grab the free breakfast, we hustled to get changed & down to the 2nd floor. Made it. Kids & I had a nice breakfast before heading back up to pack, but not before one last trip to the Riverwalk below.

It was a frigging circus in that damn room. Those three were jacking around, playing loudly, & throwing balls, while talking to me.

Now, this may mean nothing to you. It may just sound like a typical day – a happy family playing together in a hotel room for the last time on this vacation.

For someone with OCD, this means disruption to a sacred ritual. And that means imminent doom. Anarchy & chaos. Nothing good can come of this. Nothing. Loud noise filled my ADHD brain as I struggled harder & harder to focus on packing, rather than binding & gagging my family while I handled this. I tried to accept their “help”. Which only made things in my mind, more chaotic, as they handed me things out of my ritualistic order of things. Or inquired about others.

A little over an hour after leaving the hotel, and the only thing we left was my phone charger. I do not recall getting it from the wall. I do, however, remember being interrupted when asking about all of our chargers as to whether or not I’d remembered to get this or do that . . .

If everyone leaves me alone, and I can have a quiet work area, I will not forget anything. No. Not one, single, miniscule item. I even get on my hands & knees checking every square millimeter of our space before leaving. This morning, however, with everyone’s “help”, I did no such check. And the last 15 or so minutes, I was just tossing shit here & there & just hoping to make it to the car before I had a heart attack, or someone had to call 911.

This has been a tremendous 1st official family vacation. It was great!! I got to stay on the Riverwalk, Boo got to go to The Alamo, & both Boo & Hub got to see Guardians of the Galaxy in Imax 3D.

Poor Diva got more than she bargained for, though. She had a cut on her thumb Thursday, before we left. I cleaned it, & put a Hello Kitty band aid on it. She also had a small scratch on the corner of her mouth. No biggie. It looked kinda bad when we left, but figured we could get some blistex & it would be ok. Looked like a cold sore, honestly.  By Saturday (the next) morning it was the size of a dime & her nose seemed really snotty.  By Saturday night, her nose was crusty. Sunday, the nose was red, swollen & crusty & her mouth & thumb looked like they both may be infected.

I called her pediatrician before packing up this morning, & made an appointment for tomorrow morning. Plus, our doctor is calling in an ointment to keep me from complete panic. Poor baby. It doesn’t seem to bother her much, though. We stopped in Georgetown for lunch. Quaint downtown, I must say, & everyone is friendly & nice.

Now, to get home. Oh yeah, kids are both soaked from playing in the town’s water park. Uuugh. OCD really snatches my ability for happy when I’m hyper-focused on getting home safe & germ-free. Hub helps with that. How I wish I could’ve just enjoyed those few minutes of the kids playing, instead of mentally thinking of how to keep them dry, or how to get to their clean, dry clothes. I’m glad that sometimes Hub really takes over in the fun department, for their sakes.

I have got to stop living in the “what if’s,” & how to be prepared, & instead just realize, I will figure it out. I can’t prevent everything, I can just create a boring time.

Get your happy. Less than a week from now school will be underway, & our old routine started up. And we’ll be one school year closer to packing him up for university. In that perspective, everything else seems trivial. We’ll get there. And we are all 4 going to snag that happy! Come hell or high water.

Peace, bitches.

Staying in San Antonio

Ok. So here’s my take on Drury Plaza Riverwalk in San Antonio.

Clean rooms. Direct access to the Riverwalk & free drinks. Free WIFI. Free breakfast, too. Hell, free dinner! Seriously?

My stipulations for a hotel – on the Riverwalk & free drinks. Win! Free food is a bonus, right?

Well, the dinner “appetizers” are really a full meal. Pasta with meatballs, salad, baked potatoes . . . And as much soft drinks as possible. So that’s actually really cool. They even have high chairs for Diva. However, only 3 free alcoholic beverages, which was fine for me & Hub only had 2 beers.  Tonight’s “snack” is chili dogs. Kinda stoked about that. Breakfast was really good – scrambled eggs, roasted potatoes, biscuits & gravy & pancakes. Seriously can’t complain.  The coffee, however, reminded me of that from a truckstop, not so much Starbucks quality. Still. Included in the price of the room, which was very moderate, I can’t bitch too much. Again, this is a tremendous value & utterly family friendly hotel & town. Several times today young men in uniform (obviously on leave for the weekend) opened doors & offered to assist me with a stroller & maneuvering stairs. More than one person offered to help with the stroller today, as well.

Now, regarding the room: I applaud Drury for opting to not only save money, but reduce plastic bottle waste by mounting shampoo, conditioner, & body wash on the wall of the shower. Nice smell & decent quality.  However, I was very glad I threw in our listerine, as they had no mouthwash in the form of guest gimmies. Just some body balm/lotion.

Also lacking was a vent for the bathroom. So the mirror fogs when you take a shower, & the stink lingers if someone poops. That, I thought was strange. It’s not an all-in-one, it just doesn’t have one.

The other down-side is all of the other tourists staying in the hotel. If you wait your turn & stand a reasonable distance from the person ahead of you out of courtesy, you will notice someone, often several someones, nudging you to push their way to the front. This struck me as odd. Is this their last meal? Have they never basked in the glow of a fountain machine before? Perhaps they are unfamiliar with the term free, so they are bum rushing others in line so as to evade reprimand from authorities.

A similar occurance is prevalent while getting onto the only three working elevators. Upon checking in, we noticed a line of others with bags, some without, standing at the bank of elevators.  As soon as one set of doors opened, common courtesy for the unspoken honor system of “next in line” was thrown out the window, and those from the rear rushed forward with recless abandon in their race to their floor of choice, as if God Himself were waiting on them, & completely disregarded those respectfully obeying the commonly known laws of civilized society.

I encountered this more at the Mall today. People pushed & shoved to get into the food court area, as if it would disappear, along with all possible food sources.  Perhaps these people are refugees from another land, where you must be first, or you will not have food? Perhaps. Or perhaps this is just what society is becoming: ruthless, classless bottom-feeders.

Speaking of possible end-of-the-world scenarios, upon returning from our sweat bath, I inquired at the front desk as to where the bar was, or if I just had to order a soda from room service, only to be told there was no room service.

The horrified look on my face. Utter. Horror. As if I’d just witnessed Norman Bates running with a knife through the damn lobby.

“Excuse me, what?” I said with a chuckle. Obviously I misunderstood.

“We have free drinks at breakfast & at 5 . . .”

“No, wait,” I interrupted, “uuhm, how can I get a soda in between?”  I had suddenly moved into a visible panic &  had a feeling that I was somewhere I didn’t belong, like when you make a left turn onto a one-way street. Or walk into a private club, thinking it was a public restaurant. Panic. Panic was setting in. I don’t belong here. Something has gone horribly wrong. And I read reviews & picked this place. Oh, my sweat began sweating.

“There is a sundry shop over there.” Diva & I almost knocked a maintenance man off his ladder to get to that refrigerated door of goodness. Dr. Pepper in hand, I reached for my wallet just as Diva bolted across this once completely grand lobby. “Just charge to my room!”  I heard her yell “yes ma’am” as I ran after Diva.

So, they can do that. The staff here is really nice. Other guests, however, are not.

What has society become? This just makes me sad for my children. Strangers exchanging niceties out of courtesy is something they will never experience. Oh, the humanity. Indeed!

Perhaps I have lived a very sheltered life. Perhaps I am just old school. Because I’m not talking about kids, here, I’m talking about the parents. My age, approximately, & were either never taught manners, or feel they are out-dated. No. Rudeness will never be in style. I guess this growing rudeness is what causes highways to be shut down due to some crazed lunatic going all road rage. Nice people have had it with rudeness. Perhaps that is the reason for so many shootings. Guns don’t kill people – crazies pissed at rude people kill rude people. Ehh. Enough of my rant.

Athough I do not condone rudeness, or the invasion of my personal space, murder is completely, and unabashedly wrong, & against my religion, & every one of my personal beliefs. Now, I can wish clamidia on someone, but that’s about as far as I go.

Bout to go get my grub & drink on. Damn the rude people. Then we’re going swimming on the roof. Ahh. It was a good day. Get your happy!

Peace, bitches.

Over it.

I’m over it! What does that mean to you? Done? I’m over parenthood. I’m over being a grown-up. I’m over my allergies. I’m over the post-nasal drip. I’m over having arthritis. I’m really over doing all the family chores. I am over being needed for everything from everyone. I’m over being so damn exhausted that I fall asleep before 9PM with my phone in hand because I still have things left to do. Really over the trail of destruction Diva leaves. Over rude, inconsiderate people. Over self-obsesssed parents. Have I mentioned how many parents & leaders have quit scouts in the last few weeks?

Maybe over it is short for overwhelmed by it. I got a call yesterday from a recruiting agent. Two separate executive assistant jobs in Dallas that I would be perfect for.

Dear God!! Could you imagine doing all of this AND having a real job?? Plus the drive to & from downtown everyday? I would be completely exhausted & frustrated, then come home, after Hubs had picked up the kids, & will have had them for half an hour or more, on his own, and he will have to get Boo to Jiujitsu twice a week . . . Could you imagine what I would walk into each and every night? Then deal with Cub Scouts, too?

Yeah. As soon as Diva STOPS doing the opposite of everything we say, maybe. Most likely AFTER she starts school (and that countdown has begun). The living room is a disaster area, & I just cleaned it last night. The dishes pile up bad enough as it is. Hub “doesn’t do” the oven, so it would be take out every night if I had a job. No time to shop, cook, clean AND be wife & mother. Everything I love, everyone I love, taking a back seat until the two-weeks once per year we take a vacation, and the few legal holidays I am off work, AND Boo is NOT with his dad. I have done this before. It ended in divorce. Partly because my ex was a douche, & partly because after I got home every night, I crashed. We ate, I bathed Boo, & he & I went to sleep while my ex chatted online with his coworker, now wife. Next day, repeat. I could NOT do this with TWO children. It truly breaks my heart to think of the neglect everyone would feel.

Other couples do this. They manage just fine. But other couples don’t have one with ADHD & OCD. Other women don’t riddle themselves with guilt, imaginary or real. I never was able to find that balance between work & family. Just thinking about it totally stresses me out, my heart is racing, and I’m over it. I worked, then came home and spent every last ounce of myself pouring my emotions & soul into a tiny tot before passing out from exhaustion before taking him to daycare the next morning. Weekends were simply a blur of errands, cleaning, & napping. Married & divorced.

I may be overwhelmed here at home, but adding a job to it, would just create a new dimension of hell for me, Hub, & the kids. And we don’t need it.

I do, however, believe I can eliminate some drama from my life. Cutting out daily conversations with friends not related to me is first.

I am over owning high-maintenance vehicles! I love my Jaguars. LOVE. Absolutely love them. However, it seems I have one of them in the shop at least once a month. I really don’t need it. I adore the power, both in excelleration & braking. The sweet abundance of safety features. The luxurious ride. And the absolute sexy throaty growl of the engine’s purr. And when we can go a few months between another trip to Park Place, the anxiety of Bob’s call, butt-tightening to brace for the impact of whether or not it is covered, or the ridiculous cost we’re about to have to shell-out, I truly live the decadence of owning two Jaguars. $3k for tires? $2k for brakes? $1,500 here & there. What is it going to be this time? Or the next time? That, I do NOT love. Being anxious to the point of not wanting to take a long trip for fear of an inevitable break-down? Ridiculous. Serious. Fear. It is going to break down every 1000 miles, it seems, or something stops working, or malfunctions. And my ass is back at Jag. It is seriously about every 1000 miles, give or take. Something. Always something.

I hate GM for that bailout crap!!  The one my grandchildren will be paying for. I despise what GM top executives have done to Detroit because they paid themselves ungodly annual salaries, while workers who put blood, sweat, & tears into pursuing their American dream were laid off without much consideration. Sickening. Disgusting. I’m not all about labor unions, in fact, I am completely against them, but I am more against fat cats living extravagant lifestyles at the expense of the working poor. They are no better than the politicians they feed to keep our political machine running counterproductive to the American people.

But Hub makes the money, & he hates Ford. So . . . GM/Chevy it is. Marriage is all about compromise, sacrifice, & picking your battles.

Shit. I should’ve set an alarm to write this last night. My day is slipping through my fingers as I type & play with kids, while trying to finish laundry & dishes before packing up, and then heading out to my Cub Scout District Leadership meeting this evening.  Yup. I multitask. Write, make toast, cut up oranges, switching out wet & dry clean clothes, emptied dishwasher, singing & dancing with Diva, & chatting with Boo simultaneously. Oh. Gotta freeze bananas for treats! Mother-in-law gave me that idea. She’s pretty stellar. She’s been around a while. And has been a housewife & mother of 4 during 1960’s & 1970’s. So, she definitely knows her shit!

So I’m gonna chug what remains of my iced coffee, & snag some fucking happy amidst this insane-busy day that lays ahead. Yes. I hate the stupid Lay, Lie, Lies, & Laid word rules. I’m from Texas. Ain’t nobody got time for that! So just go with it. You know what I mean. Hell, I’m doing good if I proofread my fat-fingering before I hit publish. Get your happy & fuck the details. Toss hate in the garbage, along with worry. Be a friend when you can, but mainly, find happy. Be happy. And spread happy.

Peace, bitches.

Welcome to adulthood

You know you made it to being a grown up when your childhood friends start burying their parents.  When you’ve had a good friends for almost a quarter of a century. Real friends from your late teen years. Who knew you as you were still young, free, naive, & hopeful. Still trying to figure out who you were & who you wanted to be. Before you got here. They knew you all along the way. And you got here together. I have only a few of those friends. Three, to be exact. The others have lost touch, drift in & out, or are casual buddies I keep touch with for old time’s sake.

But those three . . . I was the first call from Cadillac when his mother died last fall to fucking breast cancer. I was destroyed. I had meant to see her on her last visit, but was unable to because I had a 2 month old at the time. She understood. Never got to thank her for giving me such a terrific friend.

My oldest & closest friend, who has seen me at my worst & vice versa, well, we burried his mother about 6 years ago, & my husband & I just got home from his dad’s rosary tonight. It was emotional. All those little memories from hanging around their house as a teen. And popping in here in there over the years. Just to say hi because I saw their vehicles in the driveway. 

Tonight, somewhere between seeing his dad laying in that coffin & about the third part of the rosary, I suddenly realized, I wasn’t that kid who popped in. And I haven’t been for well over a decade. Hell. I wasn’t a kid at all. I was a grown up. And life had happened to me. It crept up on me while I was busy living.

I’ll be 40 in about a month. And for the life of me, I don’t know how I got here. Wasn’t it just a few years ago I was learning to drive?

Kneeling, I realized that your family, & that handful of close friends are what make life so great. When I die, I better look fabulous in that casket. Somebody better drape a boa around my neck & tuck a bottle of bubbly under my arm.

I got the feeling that when we die, we do get to all go to a better place, once we’ve finished here on earth. No matter what you believe. Our souls are intertwined into a greater frame than we can fathom. It’s bigger & greater than our human comprehension. It is only sad for those we leave behind. But that only goes to show how truly great of an impact you had on your world around you, and how you touched those you loved, and those who loved you back.

It was emotional, but very peaceful, too. Make time for your family. Show them your love every day. And get & give happy every chance you get.

Sorry. I am really drained & heading to bed. The rest of this week will be loving, packing, & preparing for this year’s Cub Scouts!  Oh yeah . . . And fucking Jag dealer!! So pissed. Really, really disappointed. And they are gonna catch some serious rath tomorrow! Don’t be interupting my summer fun with my kids, dammit. I may have to cut somebody! Just kidding. No premeditation. Bwahahaha. Ya’ll gotta laugh! We didn’t break down. Just little things that cause anxiety. Nothing truly horrible.

Get your happy. However we got here, we are here now. So I say, Hub’s right. I don’t have to act 40. I’m not old. And in these 39+ years . . . I have really lived.

Go Live!

Peace, bitches.

Suicides

Suicides make me sad. Depression makes me sad. I am on that other end of the spectrum: I throw tantrums to get my way. Or I just knuckle down, hold my breath, & just get through until the “bad part” is over. I always have that hope that it will, eventually, pass. While others see no end to their pain or suffering.

Many insurance providers don’t carry full coverage for mental health. Many more make it so expensive, it is out of reach. For those that claim neither excuse, I would have to assume it is the stigma society puts on depression that keeps one from getting help.

Countless celebrities have attempted and committed suicide. You would really think, in this day, Hollywood would stop treating suicide as one of those 1950’s “we don’t talk about those things,” mentality & man up.  One might go so far as to start pointing fingers to some of those “big names” to get behind a nationwide effort to reach out & campaign to stop suicide. And maybe some of those “big names” can throw some big dollars to get outreach programs funded.

Depression is a sickness. Who in their right mind would even contemplate such a thing? Nobody. Obviously, they are NOT in their right minds, & therefore need help. Just my two-cents, but if someone gave a damn, they would do something. And I just may. I live in Collin county. We don’t have a crisis center. Free clinics, if they don’t cover mental illness, they should be able to point someone to psychiatrists who do free work, or at least on a sliding scale.

Again. I am very unfamiliar with Depression, or any information for those considering suicide. And, I’m willing to bet, neither do the ones suffering from that, or considering ending all of it.

What is the answer? Am I my brother’s keeper? Damn right I am. So are you. We all are. I just want something done to help those that are hopeless & helpless to change that.

Perhaps, in all my spare time, I will get back to that preliminary project I’d hope to start in Collin county. In 2010 alone there were 4 suicides (separate) that shocked 2 small towns, & that was four too many for me. And maybe, people around the country will do the same thing.

Get your happy. Even if you have to throw a tantrum to get a few minutes of peace. Get it. And do your fucking best to spread that shit around!

I just got back from one Memorial service, & am preparing to head to another tomorrow. Some people fight to live an extra day, while others are so overwhelmed by yesterday, they are planning ways to escape life today. Being a grown up sucks ass sometimes.

Me, I’m planning how to make the most of the short time I have on this earth & with my family. My life is in the usual amount of rampant chaos, but cuddling with my children tonight just made me glad for my choices in life. Cub Scouts has taken over my entire life at the moment, with 2 meetings this week, one next, and then just like that! Our summer is over. And it is bitter sweet. One less summer I will have to enjoy with my kids. So you better bet your sweet ass, I am going to make the last days of this summer spectacular . . . To hell with the house. I’ll clean on the 1st day of school. Other than the dishes & laundry, and commitments to the scout pack, it’s going to remain cluttered & stewn with toys until I finish guzzling every second of happy outta the time left with my kids this summer!

Peace, bitches.

Wiped out!

8 hours of driving in 2 days & Hubs & I are completely wiped out! Diva even went to sleep & only fussed as we tried to wake her to get her out of her car seat.

Beat down. Mentally & physically exhausted. Although the Jaguar XF Platinum handled great, even over some truly crappy Oklahoma roadways, it just wears you out. I couldn’t imagine the discomfort we’d have had to endure in a non-luxury car.

Yes, my Portfolio XF stranded me & my kids on the side of a major highway during rush hour a year ago, and they seem to have more high-maintenance issues than a regular vehicle, but the acceleration & stopping power has allowed me to avoid a few wrecks. The stopping ability saved us twice. Perhaps I have developed an irrational, emotional attachment to my Jaguars. I don’t want an ugly regular car. I want an uber-safe, vehicle. If not a Jag, perhaps a smart crossover.

I digress. I’m exhausted. My house is a disaster. We have about 35 gigantic country bugs engrained in my grill, so as soon as Boo comes home in the morning, we are off to get that baby cleaned!! Need to get the Portfolio’s engine light recall taken care of. Geez. And a leadership prep meeting for Cub Scouts. Oh dear. What all can I get done? I am overwhelmed by the week that lay ahead. However. I digress.

I am going to do what I can. The best I can. And grab happy. And being overwhelmed just snags my happy & throws it in the trash. Or rather, it is a cock-block for happy.

So done. Diva is asleep. And Hubs & I are catching up on Greys Anatomy. Here’s my happy.

Wait. phone blowing up & more tasks rolling in. Fuck it. I may just fall asleep! And just deal with my shit later.

Get your happy. And don’t over commit, or have too many people depending on you for too many things, because at one point or another, they will all converge.

Get your happy.

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