I love getting my happy!

Today, while sharing a meal with my parents, you could feel the anticipation as kickoff approached.

Boo squealed when my mom brought out a key-lime pie with sheer childish happiness. Diva just quietly began diving in. She grabbed her spoon & started shoveling her slice in her mouth with such delight it was hard to take my eyes off of her.

Then . . . The snap. Ahh, the first snap of the season & my Red Raiders run down the field. 7 months since I’ve had the chance to gaze upon the glory of my alma mater. And Jones Stadium looked absolutely alive! No tortilla throwing like back in my day, before we joined the Big 12, but they still chant “BULLSHIT” loud enough to be picked up by the microphones if we get a crap call.

And all of the glorious commercials spotlighting the campus that I so intimately adored. Memories flooded my mind; all of our traditions & rituals. Friendships, beloved professors, first jobs & internships. Spreading my wings, for the first time, & learning to fly. Autumn in Lubbock. The Fair in October. Bonfires and, then the the tree-lighting ceremony on campus in December.

The campus is like it’s own small town of teenagers running amuck, & the City of Lubbock is like the laid-back parent, surronding her campus with unfaltering support. If you’ve never lived in Lubbock, Texas, I’m not sure I could ever paint a picture to do it justice. There’s just something in the air in football season (not the cotton from the gins outside of town, or the stench coming from the livestock meats lab, either). There is just something in that red dust that blows, though 24/7. And if you walk the campus in Fall, it gets in your nose, and fills your lungs. A time-honored, quiet pride that fills your face with tears when you leave and each time you remember. It’s a spirit that comes alive when you see a Double T, or admire your class ring.

And we struggled in the first half. And against a nobody team. The highly publicized, mighty son of Lubbock, former player, Kliff Kingsbury & his team . . . It was an UGLY win, but we’ll always take a “W.”

I lost most of my voice screaming during the first quarter, while Boo & Diva chased each other from one end of my parents’ home to the other. Happy. This is my idea of a perfect moment. Diva was armed with a plastic gun & running full speed after her big brother, & I got to watch Tech play. I love ‘em whether they’re winning or losing, but get to run my mouth more when we’re winning.

As Diva ran into my parent’s bathroom during a commercial break, my dad & I were hot on her trail. As I could hear the announcer readying us to for return to the game, I passed a picture hanging beside their bedroom door. It was of my dad holding my son just after his infant baptism, Boo was 6-months old.

I remembered a few minutes from last night, when I tucked him in. My brain just sat there. Just staring at the amazing human being that he is, that he has always been, & that he will be. And also in wonderment & bewilderment of how fast he went from a baby, to toddler, to half-way to 18 so fast. Like a blink.

All the pain & fear seemed minimal in contrast to the love I saw as we sat silently just gazing into each others eyes.  He grabbed my tightly and hugged me, then he whispered, “Don’t cry, Mommy.”

I just smiled back, unable to tell him how grateful I am to get to be his mom. I looked at his arms, & how long they have gotten. And then back at my own hand, & thought of a time when I could fit his entire body inside one of my own hands.

Those moments, those intimate, raw, silent moments. Those are golden. As precious as any treasure on earth. And, my OCD brain craves more, & to keep them all to myself – any & all that remain.

It also gives me hope that one day, in the very near future, that all of these very trying times with my previous Diva, will be a faded memory, overshadowed by all of the happy.

So, my personal advise: grab happy & let go of the bullshit.

Peace, bitches.

The things I hate

Notice I said things? NOT people. Never people. The actions of people, perhaps, at times, when warranted. But it’s a dangerous thing, this “hate.”

I hate illness. Physical & mental. Autism, depression, OCD, ADHD, PTSD, schizophrenia, dimentia, Alzheimer’s, & all the other ones out there that society doesn’t understand or share compassion for, unless it affect them in some way. I hate them because they make their host their prisoner.

I hate Cancer, AIDS, ALS, Lupis, CFS, MS, pneumonia, asthma, emphysema, heart disease, diabetes, and a whole long list of shit that kills people. I hate those things. I hate them because they kill their host.

I hate that some people are driven to rape women, set fires, murder strangers, or molest children . Those are the ones that simply cannot remain within our society. I hate these because it leaves destruction & grief in their wake. Twisted minds unable to be cured or satisfied. Locked up or institutionalized. And, having a heart, go ahead and lobotomize them so they are free from the insanity that drives them.

Politicians . . . Ahh, yes, those greedy, corrupt politicians. And let’s not forget about their sleezy counterparts, lobbyists. Oh. Wouldn’t it be easy to hate them because of their behavior? Pity, is more appropriate. They have “sold their souls.” Greed. Greed for power (lobbyists), & money (politicians). The difference here is that this is no sickness (mental or physical). Greed is a choice. Becoming selfish is a choice.

For many, being happy, calm, or sain is more of an unobtainable fantasy than a choice. And for those of us, I can only hope for the day that science catches up. Being well, for some, is a struggle, and for many, death steals that hope away before it is attainable. Again, praying & hoping for science to catch up with us all.

I do hate some pretty bad things, but with good reason. I do hate the choices made by our government officials to allow their greed to outweigh their responsibility to perform the duties they were elected to office to perform; represent and act in a way that reflects the best interest of the majority of Americans.

I don’t hate money, however. It affords you things. Like food, shelter, clothing. More money affords you luxuries, like access to health care, transportation, electricity. Still more money gets you upgrades for those necessities, plus a cushion of security, & a bit of excess, like electronics & vacations. Even more excessive money gets you additional “things”, as well as opens new doors to troubles like vanity and greed. And before you know it, the love of money turns into diminishing one’s values so that you are able to obtain more money at any cost.

In essence, these politicians in office are no better than common whores, turning tricks in our legislature for their corporate, special interest Johns. Do I think they all should be in jail? Absolutely. Will that happen? Never. Will it ever be outlawed? NOPE. Will the American people ever realize we are being played for fools? Highly unlikely. Democrats will continue to vote Democrat, Republicans will continue to vote Republican. Because it is easy to associate with party’s ideals (not practices, obviously), than to figure out what these people are really up to. It’s more fun to associate this as a game, as with sports teams. But, we have no authority over those we elect. Nobody does. They were elected by free choice of the people. They are 100% free to do anything they want.

They rarely show up to work. Many times when they do show up, they fight with their collegues, accomplish next to nothing, and are even caught playing on their electronic devices. Then give themselves a raise. They also decide what to include in their benefits package, & they are very generous to themselves with our money. They have made sure that their retirement plan is enormous, too.

Wouldn’t it be nice to blow-off your job, boss, & coworkers, and still have very little fear of getting fired from your $150k/ job? And to TELL HR what your benefits package WILL include? Then, to get that 2nd home you’ve been dreaming of by making some money on the side, just to do a few favors? Pretty worry-free life, if ya ask me. Pretty cushy job, too.

So, as I wait for science to cure the world’s health woes, I wait also for Americans to step up, to hold our representatives accountable, to inspect their public records, & vote their asses out of office! Enough is enough. Start shipping our very own neighbors out to DC to clean house. And show up at their doorstep until lobbying is outlawed, and seen for what it is; Bribery.

Sorry folks, elections are coming up, & it’s our only chance to turn things around. To stop being petty, put our differences aside, and fix what’s broken, instead of hoping someone in Congress grows a conscience. Ain’t gonna happen. This political machine is steamrolling all of us. We have got to start voting smart.

Hate is only good if it brings about change. If we can ban together, raise awareness for mental & physical health issues, we can bring about more awareness, education, & research until there is a cure. Science & medicine, in the past, have brought us tremendous advancements. There are still more break-throughs that need to happen. And unfortunately, more lives that will be lost in the interim. But there is hope.
Hope thst one day, we’ll have a more healthy population because of what we do now.

So today, choose happy. Choose determination. Choose hope. Choose to make better choices.

Ah damn! I forgot to post this like 10 hours ago. My bad.

What’s wrong?! (Epic Rant)

So, I have a ton of things whirling around my head like bees in a wildflower field. Shrink said to double up on vyvanse. Ok. Done. Still figety. If that doesn’t work, we’ll be looking at a different medication. We’ll give it a few weeks.

“And no doctor ever diagnosed you all through school?” She asked me in utter disbelief. Once again, I told her that my parents thought it was just who I was. A free spirit. But today, she asked about school. I told her all about my daily trips to the front desk, weekly paddlings, constantly being moved around the classroom, sitting out at recess, writing sentences, copying the dictionary.

“Was I disruptive in class?” Lady, seriously? I am disruptive at parent teacher conferences even now. And when did it start? Ummm, birth, I’m guesding. I can’t ever remember sitting still or quiet. My grandmother would bribe me with money, her husband with trips to the toy store. My parents had pretty much given up trying to control me by the time I was 8 or 9. I was just . . . I had too much energy, & talked too much, and way too fast.

My room was a mess. Always. Toys everywhere. I loved to clean the main living areas, though. No toys in sight. No Barbies or Legos to distract me, just one thing at a time to focus on. Dusting, vacuuming, cooking & baking stuff. Decorating, rearranging, you got it! Golf was good, but by 9 holes my dad was worn out by me. Piano at 13. Ahh. Something to keep me still. I was super-hyper-focused. And God help anyone or anything that disturbed me while I ritualisticly practiced, understanding & appreciating every note, as if they were written just for me.

Today I have too much to do. So I’ve done nothing productive. And I’m good with that. Diva & I played. We sang. We argued over the names of colors. But overall, happily, blissfully unproductive day.  Facebook helped.

Did you know a police officer is killed in the line of duty every 52 hours? Staggering. How does that not make News? I am baffled, to be quite honest. A few bad decisions or bad cops, & that is the picture painted to us by our media. Not the thousands of good cops.

Next up: Can anyone explain to me why there are thousands upon thousands of Christians being killed by terrorists, not just in the Middle East, but has recently been spreading to other continents . . . And not so much as an eyebrow is being raised? But for some reason, when Israel seeks to protect itself from these same terrorist groups, our whole country is up-in-arms.

Muslims, by in large, are peace-loving. Or at least the ones I presently know or have known, are very much peace-loving. So I am talking about the militant, extremist terror groups, just so we are clear. These groups, Hamas, or which ever one is wherever you’re looking, thrive on fear & hatred, seeking only destruction & extermination. They will accept no peace until every religion converts or dies.

So, when extremist terror cells begin killing Jews, kidnapping their children, bombing busses, launching rockets onto civilians, that is ‘acceptable’. And when Israel retaliates, after bombing the area with warnings to the civilians to evacuate the area so they will not be among the casualties as they seek out these terror cells, “how dare they hurt these poor terrorists & the innocent women and children they hide behind!?!?”  Excuse me, but WHAT THE FUCK?!

What, pray tell, am I missing? “The Lebonese have been oppressed by the Israelis.” Really? And they have just been minding their own business, and the greedy Jews have just decided to take back what was won in a 4-day battle over, what, 60+years ago all of a sudden? Seriously? Is everybody just ate up with the dumbass, or does anyone else smell shit?

As with the Muslims I know, the Jewish people I know are equally peace-loving. So, what’s really going on? Media paints Israel as the bad guys. Much like media paints cops as bad guys. All it takes is a few bad ones, & the public convicts, with only the little, biased news snippets they are fed.

I don’t care your religion – if you are a terrorist, I don’t like you. Period. There is no need to tolerate such behavior in civilized society. It cannot exist if we are to have freedom & order. If allowed, we would all be living in a constant state of fear, which is exactly what terrorists want. So, peace-loving people on both sides, & a group of thugs, holding one side hostage, while terrorizing & bullying the other, then shouting “no, no, Israel started it, we were only testing our rocket launchers when they went off, simultaneously, for several hours at a time.”  And why, If Israel is so oppressive, has not one UN resolution or sanction been wagered against them? The US & UN have no problem issuing sanctions against other countries, & we (the US) have been threatened with sanctions in the past for our own flagrant disregard when flying off half-cocked. The thought that America stands with Israel is just a farce. If that wad true, why has the media turned the masses against Israel by telling partial stories of what is going on over there?

That still doesn’t explain why Christians are being targeted for slaughter by yet another Muslim extremist group in Africa now. For cenuries, I read, that Muslims & Christians have lived in peace in remote areas of Africa, but in recent weeks, a terror group has come in, killing literally thousands, entire villages, because they were peace-loving Christians. That was their only offense. And they were unaware of any uprisings or anything that could possibly warrant such crimes, and were uttrly unprepared for such immediate & unrelenting onslaught. And the UN sits quiet. And the US sits quiet. And one mention is made on CNN, but that’s about the sum of it. No outcry for justice. No assistance for the helpless. Not one damn thing.

And I can’t help but think that if it were Christians attacking peace-loving Muslims, hell would be breaking lose until DC deployed troops to help protect the remaining Muslim villages. Why is that? Why has this administration done nothing for his family’s homeland. Isn’t his family a branch of the original church from Egypt? The homeland of every African-American? Why is the African-American Christian community not outraged? Where is Jesse Jackson? Elections are just a few years away, afterall. Why not swoop in & secure both the African-American & the white Christian voted in one swoop?

Because the land is of no value. And the people we would be protecting are valued at less than what we value our own American soldiers, and our Western ideals, like democracy & freedom, and Christianity. Why did the US abstain from involvement while the Nazis gathered and killed Jews? **There went your arguments that the US loves Jews & Christians, as the US hangs both religions ‘out-to-dry.’**

Why? “Not our circus, not our monkeys.” It’s very easy for a country to stand on laurels & principles when we have a stake in the game, like when Japan pulled us in by bombing Pearl Harbor, or when we were out for blood after 9/11. But here we sit as a religious persecution is underway. Another Holocaust, and sit is ALL we do. It is not advantageous for the corporations pulling legislative strings to become involved. So we wait. Until Christians are in fear of their lives, or are deliberately, and systematically eliminated.

For 200 years, we claimed to be a Christian country. We put God in our pledge, on our money, referenced Him in acceptance speeches, prayed to Him in our schools, & now the last one is outlawed, the third one is kinda vague, as to be politically correct, & the first two are under attack every other months. Again, what the fuck? Did some kid who claimed to be a Christian bully you in 2nd grade?  Can you get over it?

Why would a group of people believing complete nonsense, nothing more than superstition, bother a true minority of the country at large? Why are some atheists so worried about a god or religion they don’t even believe in? 

The pursuit of happiness. Is it interfering with happiness if a nativity scene is displayed in public? Or if the word Christmas is used? Let’s face it, if you don’t know why you’re buying presents, you’re an idiot. If you don’t know the official holiday’s name for when you get a day off, or your kids are out of school a few weeks – you are an utter failure. Everyone, all religions, know what Christmas is. And we all know it’s called Christmas. So denying Christians to pursue their happiness, is really only making you appear weak-minded & scared of something. What? What in hell are atheists so scared of? So we take down the 10 commandments in all government buildings. What are you doing? Crushing their morale? Do you really think that’s going to change anyone’s mind? Forcing Christians to convert, or be condemed by our government. Forcing society to look down on Christianity as archaic & naive for only the simple-minded dolts who refuse to accept your belief that there is no belief. Isn’t that kinda what terrorists do? They oppress a group they despise. How long before practicing Christianity is outlawed? How long after that before Christians are being killed in the US, without any guff from the UN?

It could never happen here. That is exactly what the Jewish popuation in Europe thought, too. Russia, Germany, France, Austria, Hungary, Switzerland . . . All believed it was impossible to happen there, too. Such a thing had never existed. Not on that scale. Not just genocide, a cleansing to eradicate all religion from society. Much like some people want in this country, Africa, and the Middle East. And those who fail to learn from mistakes of the past are damned to repeat them. And it appears we are heading down that road like a squirrel after a nut.

So, what is a christian, this vile human denied entitlement of the basic right to live? This dispicable evil that is out to save your soul (gasp – what an atrocious idea to consider another’s well being?). Well, the word Christian simply means one who follows Christ. In non-Christian-terms, someone who believes Jesus was the Messiah, & vowing to live their life based on what He taught over 2000 years ago. *atheists – are you seriously worried here? Dear God, they may actually love you.*

The biggest problem I find is that so many “Christians” have never actually read Jesus’ teachings. That becomes obvious to me as I see Christians judging, condemning, hating, & being intollerant to others, fellow christians included. Jesus #1 message was love. For all you Westboro Baptist Church members – “here’s your sign”. So many follow the interpretations of a person standing in a pullpit, over their individual ability to open a book & actually read what the man, Jesus, had to say 2000 years ago. It was important enough to write down & keep circulating 2 millennia, so you’d think it would rank up there on their to-do list to acually read it once or twice. Love doesn’t envy, or boast, does not hate or judge. Yeah. It doesn’t oppress, or force others to believe, either, in my opinion. It simply LOVES. That was kinda big. He spells out right there what non-Christians hate about Christians – we’re a bunch of hypocrites. But does that mean we should be denied the basic right to life? Well, some groups believe so. Should we be made to hide our traditions, forsaking what we hold dear, just because it makes someone else uncomfortable? Obviously. And I just think that’s messed up. 

And another damn thing! Mexico is holding one of our Marines (freetahmoorsi) for taking a wrong turn & having his military-issued weapon on him. We released 3 Mexican military personnel months ago for doing the same thing. What gives? I’m gonna have to call out Obama on this one. Dude needs to man up & tell those bitches “to release our serviceman or it will be seen as an act of war. We already took Texas. Bitches better give us our guy or God knows what we’ll be after next. Take a look at the Middle East, suckah.” Then hang up, like a boss.

Our borders being secured is simply a bad joke. 5200 children, unaccompanied minors, were able to cross. Months ago a Mexican military helicopter even flew into our airspace, and actually fired on border patrol agents as the sought to stop some illegals crossing into the US. Where the hell was the outrage there? Or was that part of Fast & Furious part II for this administration?

Don’t even get me started on Chris Stevens, or that whole mess in Benghazi. And NO retaliation. Nothing was done to show the world we will not cower to terrorists. Nope. We’re just gonna sit here, cover it up, & move on to the next attack on Liberty & Freedom. For much of the world, America is the beacon of hope. Yeah. Not so much. Fail. We just don’t care. Not like we do about ALS or the Kardashians.

And, for my final chapter of this volume’s installment of Epic Rants, taxing the rich/corporations. Yeah. Because they’re all stupid, have no tax attorneys, & no means to remedy a higher tax on them than the rest of us.  Secondly, it’s just not fair to penalize those who make more money. As much as I think it’s just gross how one person could rise to fortune on the backs of hard-working Americans to live a lavishly decadent lifestyle, if we buy into it, then he has earned the right to those spoils, whether or not he/she gives back is on them, not me, you, or government to force upon them.

Perhaps in non-capitalist nations, but not so much here (as I point to a map of the United States). Doing such only creates resentment & hatred between the classes. Case in point – the Oracle from Omaha took Burger King & moved headquarters to our Northern Neighbor (Canada). Yeah. Way to keep that money here – where we desperately need it. So, how is this plan going to benefit us, if other corporations follow suit? We’ll be bankrupt, starving, sick from Monsato’s GMOs, & Godless, without hope, or a single prayer. Prime targets for terror cells to emerge & wipe the Christian, Jewish, & yep, even the atheist scourge from their last foot-hold: America. She’s not looking so great. We’ve had some shit administrations, lazy bastages for representatives, and greedy corporations playing puppeteer.

What we have in DC is very truthfully, the fox guarding the hen house. We elect representatives to fight for us, and to protect us from the very sources, these corporations, that are giving them bribe money, under the guise of lobbyist campaigning, while in return, they are free to poison us with “safe for consumption” products that are banned in other countries for being toxic, or as a known carcinogen. You’re damn right I’m mad! I expect the food I eat, the water I drink, & the medince I take NOT to be killing me. Call me crazy, but I think my right to life kinda takes precedence over a bunch of slobs getting rich at our expense. Slobs I elected to put my & your best interest first! Food & Drugs are just one part of the problem. The main issue we have got to outlaw is lobbying. If not, we will have lost all hopes of this country & her people to be free of this political machine that has a strangle-hold on our very freedoms.

We. Are. Fucked. That’s all. As we approach this Labor Day holiday weekend, I have been thinking about 9/11. Whether or not it was a terrorist plot or a meticulously planned demolition carried out as some elaborate scheme to have a reason to start up a conflict in the Middle East, but for what I have to say, your inclination either way will work. I remember the 7-day no fly restriction, while agency think tanks figured what could be done to forever prevent this from happening again. How & where to crack down, and assess our vulnerabilities. How to, in essence, regain our blissful innocence. Other nations expressed sympathy. As a 27-year old, hearing on the radio a passenger plane hit a Twin Tower, and as I got out of my car, my boss yelling for me to come inside immediately, I was unaware how that day would unfold, or what it would mean for me always.

I remember him asking if I’d heard what had happened. I said yes, and something along the lines of ‘isn’t it just terrible’. As the guys working on the dock downstairs hurried in with a television from their break room, we waited to see if anything would be on our local news.

National news had overridden all local channels. I remember standing with our staff, men & women alike weeping aloud as we watched the first tower fall.
Regardless of religion, sexuality, or any of that HR bullshit. We formed a circle & held each other up, and we each began praying. Praying for our Nation. For New York. For peace. For a cease from attacks. For quiet. For sanity to be restored. No work was done that day. In stores, and on roadways, people were being considerate. A nation in shock & disbelief. And for a brief moment in our history, it didn’t matter your economic or social status, your race, ethnicity, gender, religion, or sexual orientation, and it didn’t matter if you were a 12-generation born native, or you arrived here a week earlier – for a brief moment in time, we were all Americans, we were all human. And we embraced one another as Americans, equally humbled by this event. We were all of one eternal spirit, & linked by our own humanity. And for the first time in our lifetime for many of us, our innocence had been stripped away forever. We were no longer immune to terrorists finding their way to hurt us; no longer a safe harbor from terror. It was no longer something on the news that happed some place over . . . There. The ugliness of hatred had been brought to our doorstep.

And for a while, we banded together to gain reassurance that we would make it through. An overall kindness among strangers. A complete outpouring of hope & survival.

We are forever changed, now. I remember George W. likening it to being sucker-punched & telling us all, that “we get back up”. And for many years pride and patriotism was something beautiful. Yet today, not even half a century later, it is scorned. That kinda makes me sad. But, that I got to see, first hand, all the goodwill that humanity is truly capable of, & just remembering that day, & the days that immediately followed, gives me hope that all is NOT lost. That people are inherently good. And we choose good, & to do good (people, not corporations).

This whole place may be fucked, but there’s a shitload of good people out there, & good in general. And so is your life, & mine. Despite whatever shitstorm you are in, whatever challenge that has landed on your door, dig deep, look indide yourself, & find it in you to persevere. To face your fears. But most of all – get your happy. Shit happens & life is short.

Peace, bitches. Sorry I’m late. It took 4 hours to write. And I fell asleep twice.

Oh yeah. Nails still hanging in there, even after habanero peppers & some lemons effectively ate away at my fingernail tips (the same combo melted acrylic nails a few years ago, just sayin’)


Today, thus far . . .

Gel nails are still holding up & I am truly amazed! This cheap, wal-mart-purchased Sally Hansen gel nail kit is BETTER than salon nails at a fraction of the dang cost!

Woke at 4, after gettimg my normal 6-hours of sleep. When I discussed exercise with my brain & body at 4AM, however my brain decided it, in fact, WAS in need of more sleep – yeah, that’s what I thought, brain. Shut up & go to sleep.

When we all woke around 7:45, I told my husband Happy 3-year Anniversary. I had a headache. I had forgotten my anti-tantrum meds last night, along with back & allergy pills. It being too hot to eat more than a cold salad & a Slim Fast yesterday, I felt weak. But, jumped on the scale & had lost 2.2 lbs since yesterday morning.

Feeling much better by 10. Diva & I enjoyed two books and we are about to head out, a mere 3 hours late in beginning my errands.

Hubs is home sick, & as badly as Diva & I need to bathe, storms are coming in this weekend, so will be taking kids to pool today, then bathe afterwards. We are in a drought, so bathing twice in one day is just irresponsible, in my mind. And if we all do this, it really will go a long way in conservation efforts.

I have seen so many ridiculous things in our news lately, & it is gnawing at me like piranhas. So, I may put forth some epic rants, but for now, my focus is on the happy: Good bargains, nice nails, tasks being completed, goals underway, & spending time reading to & playing with Diva.

Take pleasure in each and every accomplishment, no matter if others notice or not. You did! You made an effort. You accomplished a goal. Or just attempted to start a goal. And that’s good enough.

I have some serious things I’m contemplating. Like adding a podcast, or maybe even a webcast, a formal e-mail list, & sharing book excerpts with you that I’m working on (sporadically), & even some other perspectives from someone other than me. Not sure. So my blog page may be taking on a new look in the coming months.

Get your happy. Then, spread that shit around.

Peace, bitches.

Critics & Dancers

In life, they say, there are critics, & then there are dancers. I am one of the dancers, in case you couldn’t tell.

For five years I worked assiting my boss from writing correspondences & handling travel arrangements to assisting with the office day-to-day tasks to purchasing (and wrapping) Christmas gifts – and literally everything in between. I can recall, maybe a handful of times he ever criticized me. He knew I responded much more quickly & effectively if I were given praise, then a polite nudge, “helpful advise” he called it. I suppose that is true of us all. Who wants to hear, “you fucked up,” or “you did that so wrong, were you even thinking?”

He was a lot of things, but I’ll give it to the man, the best talent he had was for reading a person/situation, & all but one time, ALWAYS managing to get the results he anticipated.

I’m not used to criticism, even constructive. And I don’t like it. And being a mom is a job, so when someone criticizes that job, it is impossible to simply stay objective & “try harder”.  In all honesty, how many bosses give an employee a shovel, building material, & a crayon-drawn blueprint & told only, “Go.”?

In essence, that is motherhood. You’ve got the baby, bought all the essentials, & you leave the hospital or adoption agency with nothing more than a wink & a smile. “Go!”

So, friends, be kind to all of the mothers in your life. We all need encouragement. Daily. It helps to overcome all the failures we encounter. Every few minutes – we have a potentially EPIC fail just about to happen, or dealing with the immediate aftermath of said parenting fail.

I am just tired right now. Physically drained from waiting for the new A/C unit to be installed & for the room temp on our main floor to reach below 80°. Mentally drained from fighting with this person or that company over what look to be billing errors. I am fatigued from my never-ending to-do list. Sick of feeling tired & sick of waiting. I just want to sit, without errands to run or tasks to complete, & enjoy playing and teaching Diva & Boo.

The OCD brain takes EVERY critism, every short-coming, & magnifies it times infinity. We are already our own worst critic – no need for any help.

I feel the need to either construct a gerbil-like cage for Diva, or build shelves just beyond her reach throughout the entire apartment. Every wall, every room, 1500 sqft worth. Just to put the stuff she’s not supposed to be able to reach out of her reach. And perhaps install an electric fence in my kitchen & equip her with a shock collar.  The expensive one with a remote that shocks her when she screams, hits, or kicks. I wish the government would legalize that for toddlers. It would make life much easier. Or perhaps just legalize weed – I’m good either way. 

Until that day, I  will keep trying my best, every day, all day, & all night. And ya know what? After a long day at work, you’re exhausted. So are mothers. After you put in 10 or so hours, the last two or three are kinda “mailed-in” & you get what’s left of any functioning brain cells.

One day Diva won’t be a rambunctious toddler. And life will be much easier. She will listen and actually do what she’s told. And that will last a few weeks. One day, I’ll have a job, & my family will just be an afterthought compared to climbing that ladder. And my current dreams & aspirations will be dust, glitter, I hope.  And a few short years later, kids will be gone & life will take a new direction, perhaps.

So, again, I say – stop waiting. Embrace the chaos. If someone criticizes you, they are just poor hacks who wouldn’t make it a day without all you do.  They obviously don’t know you, how you function, lack people/managerial skills, or are just jealous. Keep doing your best until you’re able to walk out & say “I quit.” Mothers never have the luxury of that escape. We are in it for life, much like prison (at times).

If you’ve got a job where you’re appreciated & needed, keep it. It is a rare gem. If you don’t, then by God, get up off your ass & fix it – find a new job.

Everyone deserves to feel good about him- or herself. Nobody needs the negative bullshit – especially not from themselves. Fix that shit, too. Your best is all you can do & if anyone expects more, they’re a tool!

Now get your damn happy! Tuesday sucked balls, but Wednesday is coming.

Peace bitches.

Proof you are NOT alone!


And that more & more outcry for understanding, help, & acknowledgement is pushing it’s way forward, so nobody suffers in silence.

I say it all too often, but I’m saying it again: if you are struggling, if you can’t leave your home, get out of bed, or get a moment of happy, please get help! You are NOT alone. Go to a place of worship, a psychiatrist, call your doctor,  a hotline, or a friend, but do something. You deserve happy. You deserve to function. Period. You ARE worth it.

Get your happy!

Needing my Clonazapam!

So, today Boo started 3rd grade! A few hundred thoughts race through my ADHD brain & every 3 or 4 are fighting to steal my happy. Luckily, I have so many of you reaching out to me, and just letting me know you like my blog gives me the energy to push back & tell those worrisome thoughts to fuck off!

Yes, this will be a monumental year. In so many ways. Not just for Boo & Diva, but me working through the root of my OCD, & learning to conquer both my OCD & tame my ADHD.

STILL . . . I find myself in the batroom with a seriously disturbed tummy. Do you know the problem with getting up early? There are more hours in my day.  However, I will search out all the extra happy!

Diva & I are on schedule this morning, and our new routine is gonna rock! I’ve got 6 hours until I get to hear all about my little guy’s day. Instead of worrying, I will look forward, & focus on my tasks. I have my usual amout of too much to do to keep me busy in between working with Diva. 

It is a state of mind, this elusive “happy” that I’m always droning on about. Sometimes it does just hit you when weren’t expecting it. But you always have to be ready & receptive. If you want to catch butterflies, you have to find the balance between sitting still so they’ll come near with the right amout of chasing. The same is true with happy. And you just have to get your head right.

Today, I am going to calm down. I am going to clean up & run errands. Diva’s going to nap, & I’m going to take care of a few things. And then we are going to hear all about Boo’s day. It is going to be a great day. I believe that. And today, I am in control of my brain. Without my anxiety meds. But, if I keep running to the toilet, then I’ll use my Clonazapam to help me.

We ARE NOT alone! There are so many of us out there. We are not alone. We are not wierd or a friggin’ lunatic. We can be. We can just let our fears debilitate us & spiral into the 4th ring of hell. Or we can stop it. And sometimes, it is simply too much for us to do alone. Neurological disorders are something we didn’t ask for, but we can get through, using cognitive behavioral therapy, medication, & a positive attitude and we can. It doesn’t mean we are boring normal, it just puts us back in control of our crazy. And helps us find that happy.

I cannot stress it enough: if you are struggling with things like focus, intrusive thoughts or behaviors, or just getting out of bed, you are not alone – get professional help! Everyone deserves to get some happy! It doesn’t make you weak. It’s the most courageous thing you can do – to see there is a problem & face that (or those) demons down. It is something nobody else can do for you.

Get your happy today!

Peace, bitches.



This is something that has resonated within me the last week or so.  Like my growing “need” for a luxury vehicle. Why? Is it because they really are superior in safety? Or is it the name alone? Perhaps that is why my resentment towards Jaguar has really grown in the past several months. They are now making “affordable luxury” cars, which are basically a Honda Civic with a Jaguar Leaper glued on the trunk, but lacking their dependability. If everyone can have them, and as I pass more & more on the roads, it is becoming less & less “special.” So why do I love them?

And why have I become more & more intent on staying in Willow Bend, rather than moving to an area where we can get a LOT more house for the money since the land is much cheaper?

Is it REALLY so my kids are in a better, safer neighborhood, better schools, and have the opportunity to be with kids more like them in school (outlook, morality, socioeconomic, and values), or is it because I have, in fact, grown accustomed to the lifestyle here? Because I, have been taken in as one of them? That they acknowledge I am an equal? Even though we live in an apartment & not a mini-mansion, like them. Busy, self-involved to an extent, & comfortable with all of the luxuries we can (& can’t) afford? Luxuries like having a police station down the street, all the luxury car dealerships just a few minutes away, access to main tollways at our corner, convenient shopping, a close-knit community carefully watching who comes and goes, & measuring what each brings to the community, while demanding strict, unspoken codes of dress & demeanor? Is this what I want, or have allowed to take root & grow as a want? And . . . Is this a good or bad thing?

Is staying here, buying a house here, & putting down roots here what is truly best for us all? I’m not so concerned about the cost of living in this particular area, as where we move, it will be comparable. I’m concerned about what effects this very sheltered, upscale community will have on both of my children. I am worried we will lose our humility, and compassion for others less fortunate. To become snobs, greedy for trends & polarity.

Flipside of the coin, now: If we move away. It will be a much more diversely populated area. They will see everything. Everyone. We will not be as safe, or as protected from the “ills” of society; it will not merely be something they see on television, watch on the internet, or read about in novels – it will be in the form of children they go to school with. While they will hopefully remain humble & grateful, they will also be visible targets for bullying. A fear that literally has me gasping for my own breath. And then, if they follow in my footsteps in high school, & band together with the kids from the neighborhood & get into all kinds of trouble. Not just bullying kids that once picked on us, but anyone NOT in our neighborhood, lumping anyone who is different into “outcasts & losers”.

I regret allowing myself to stoop to that level, but in high school, it is really rough, I was pretty, very thin, & lived in the right neighborhood in a Dallas suburb. I feel horrible for what I put so many people through, especially my parents with drugs & alcohol. I most regret glamorizing my wild behavior to the point . . . Well, a little over a year ago, a once very close friend accidentally OD’d, & another got into really hard drugs, & even his family can’t find him & is presumed dead.

And I was a leader among my church youth. Me. Popular, mean girl. I do not want that for my daughter. I was fortunate. I got my shit together in college. Still thin & attractive, I was pretty popular, even at a large university. But this time, it was because I was involved, uplifting, kind, humble, and active both in college life & the community. Texas Tech was my fresh start. A lot of kids don’t get or take that opportunity to turn things around, or to become the person they want to be, rather than stay the monster they’ve become.

Again, teenagers, have to be mindful of the seeds allowed to take root & grow. Children need to be just as mindful, but it is up to the parents to help filter out the bad ones & model good behavior & positive thoughts. So, upscale living or not?

Character is up to the parents,  genetics, & environment. How they battle attacks on their character is up to them individually. I wish the world were safe for our children. It’s never been. And it ain’t gettin’ any better. I wish we didn’t have to worry about sexual predators, drugs, or peer pressure. Unfortunately, it is everywhere. I just feel safer here, real or imagined.

My ex calls this area a cesspool, defined by Webster’s as: a filthy, evil, or corrupt place or state “a cesspool of corruption”.  I don’t see this area that way. Perhaps some are living in excess, or perhaps I have not been mindful of which seeds I have allowed to take root & grow. I see it as a close-knit, safe environment for my kids, safe from predators & bullies, and for me from burglary and rapists. And the clock is ticking for me to check my moral compass. What will my children learn from me? What will they learn from their friends?

Peace, bitches.

Take your happy back!

I’ve read a lot of articles about how people behave differently to differnt people. Not just uptight professional at the office & wild party animal on the weekends. I mean that you behave one way to one friend, & completely different to another. We all do it. This doesn’t make us fake, it is adapting to each personality & situation as best we can. Or if we don’t, end up sitting at “the loaners'” table.

Some people are just who they are, unapologetically, & unphased, while others bend here & there to people please. I am a people-pleaser, by nature, & most often, my obsessive thoughts of “it will make me a bad person,” or “I just have to,” have really propelled that people-pleasing in my life.

Looking at patterns in my life, & routines, especially, my shrink asked me, blankly, & as if I were from another planet, “Why do I have to?”  I sat there for a minute, stunned. I had absolutely no answer.

“Will it cause harm?” she continued. And paused for her question to sink in.


“Will having a messy living area cause physical harm? Will having a good time once in a while honestly result in physical harm to a third party from some cosmic force?”

So, with this new empowerment, I realize that I can say no when I want to. Even if it’s just because I feel like it. 

Their are certain social “norms”, like holding a door open when someone is right behind you, or having good manners, & being courteous, but you can, or shall I say, I do, take it to the extreme.

I judge myself harshly. We are always our own worse critic, but the OCD brain can’t shut it down. And the added benefits of ADHD really don’t help. So we clean, to the extreme. We wash our hand incessantly. We fall back onto our rituals. And when we are too far from our comfort zone, those intrusive thoughts become overwhelming, & wham! Panic attack, for me. Others fall into depression.

It sucks for us and those who care about us. So, for me, I am unburdening myself of the shit I simply don’t need. Guilt being one. I do the best I can. I always give my best. And that is going to have to be good enough, dammit. I’m unloading situations and people that are taxing. I am allowing myself to spend my time where I want, with whom I chose, doing whatever makes me feel good, without feeling guilt for not doing something else, or giving more, or being more.

Diva is taxing at times, but I am learning to appreciate her for who she is. Instead of fighting her & Boo, turning instead to just allowing them to be kids, and join their happy world more often.

For the friends I haven’t seen in months or even years, taking time to make time for them. I owe nobody an explanation or apology if they are not higher on my priority list. Even if you’re not about to be 40 in mere weeks, you don’t either!  Don’t rush to make someone else happy all the time. Stop, already, and get your own happy!

Take your happy back!!

The world will not reverse it’s polarity, and the moutains will not crumble, all because you actually put yourself first. I promise, if that happens, it will have just been by coincidence that you did something to get your own happy at the precise moment the earth had mounted it’s revolt against humanity.

Perspective is great. It’s even better when you have control over your ADHD/OCD brain to gain that perspective. Dump the toxicity in your life. You’ll feel so much better.  Today, I have about 8 more things that really need to be done, but if they don’t, ya know what? Fuck it! I tried. I did my best, & that IS good enough. If anyone takes issue, recognize that as not only an affront your character, but also their lack of compassion for your own peace of mind.

Peace & happy to you all, bitches!

Victory or Death

” . . . I shall never surrender or retreat. Victory or Death.” William Barret Travis.

Those are some damn bold words, if I do say so myself. Unwavering conviction. It is beautiful. It is inspiring.

I will enjoy my children. I keep thinking about yesterday morning, when both kids ran like banshees throught the apartment, shooting guns, then sword fighting while Hub was out. Something that normally makes me nuts, but I embraced it. And relished their wild laughter. The two of them playing together. It was great. I git about 5-minutes worth.

Good news, I’ll get to enjoy my growling V-8 engine for a few more months. You can bet your ass I’m gonna take delight in every last drive I make before trading it in later this year. And will pray it won’t need towing in the meantime.

Most likely I will opt for the 2015 Traverse XTL with all the options, but it’ll be something we can keep, hopefully, for the next 8 years or so. At which point Boo will be driving, Hub will have his Vette, & Mommy can get her Jag/Maseratti sports car for hauling Diva around. Hell, we can even keep it longer, if it’s still driving, as a family vehicle, if really needed. I have a plan. Victory or Death, right? And in the meantime, we’ll keep fighting to get our happy until, like a butterfly, it lands on our noses.

Happy is very much like a butterfly. Easier to find in the sunny, warm months, and even then, can just flitter all around you, & stays just out of reach. But, if you are just still, & patient, like happy, a butterfly will rest on you. And if you wait, you’ll find yourself amidst a whole colony, & all you can see are flapping wings in your face.

Sometimes, life is so much like a butterfly. Boo & I discussed this just last week. You got a larva stage, then the caterpillar stage, then cocoon to go through before you can become a butterfly, or in this instance catch one, but it is soooo worth it. Don’t settle for a moth. Don’t convince yourself you are happy with a moth; all they do is ruin your favorite blouse. Chase after that happy. Be happy. You deserve it. It’s what we were made for. If not, then why do people who can’t get it commit suicide? Because they know the simple truth: We were made for happy.

Hell, the American Constitution even goes so far as to protect it’s pursuit as an inalienable right. My very government accepts what I’m saying as truth . . . Not that I hold great respect for the political machine it has become, but I hold our founding fathers in great esteem. They had vision. My very ancestors had this vision. Victory or Death. Liberty or Death. Get your happy. Be it accepting what you just can’t control, or going balls out to make a change happen.

Make a goal. Get a plan. Write that shit down. And follow through! Get happy. Be happy. And for the love of all things holy, PLEASE spread that shit around!

Peace, bitches.

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